aum Posted June 17, 2023 Share Posted June 17, 2023 Karlston, flash13, funkyy and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 17, 2023 Share Posted June 17, 2023 ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 18, 2023 Share Posted June 18, 2023 I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down. Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me. I used to hate facial hair… but then it grew on me. How do I look? With your eyes. Wanna hear a joke about a pizza? Never mind, it’s too cheesy. I am terrified of lifts. I'm going to take steps to avoid them. What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner. Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera. Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 18, 2023 Share Posted June 18, 2023 A small boy stunned his parents after Sunday School when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?" "At church," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it." ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 18, 2023 Share Posted June 18, 2023 A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel." The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!" "Simple", replied the Priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!" ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 18, 2023 Share Posted June 18, 2023 An elderly couple returned to a Mercedes dealership to find the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in, to a beautiful Lady. “I thought you said you would hold that car until we raised the $75, 000 asking price,” said the man. “Yet I just heard you close the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady over there. You insisted there could be no discounts on this model.” “Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and just look at her. How could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman. Just then the young woman approached the old folks and handed them the keys. “There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get this joker to drop the price.” “See you later, grandpa.” [Goes to show: Never mess with the elderly!] flash13, Karlston, ducky88 and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vitorio Posted June 18, 2023 Share Posted June 18, 2023 The magic of been young, beautiful and brite!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurch234 Posted June 18, 2023 Share Posted June 18, 2023 vitorio, ducky88, funkyy and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 18, 2023 Share Posted June 18, 2023 ducky88, flash13 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rainmaker Posted June 19, 2023 Share Posted June 19, 2023 \\ R ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 19, 2023 Share Posted June 19, 2023 Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat. The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed." The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door." ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 19, 2023 Share Posted June 19, 2023 Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web. What did one plate say to the other? Dinner is on me! I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed. ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 20, 2023 Share Posted June 20, 2023 I was on vacation in Texas, and was appalled by Dallas' chaotic traffic. I asked the bellhop at the hotel why it was so disorderly. "In some countries, they drive on the right, in others on the left. Here, we drive in the shade." ducky88, funkyy and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 20, 2023 Share Posted June 20, 2023 Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation. Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet. ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 20, 2023 Share Posted June 20, 2023 So nice that airplanes include the Australian spelling of USB funkyy and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 21, 2023 Share Posted June 21, 2023 I found two large black birds stuck together. Spoiler Apparently they're Velcrows. leapinlizards, ducky88 and aum 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 21, 2023 Share Posted June 21, 2023 They say scammers are stepping up their game everywhere. Meanwhile, scam emails in my inbox... funkyy and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 22, 2023 Share Posted June 22, 2023 As a bloke I Hate Housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes, you vacuum and then dust the place... ...and six months later you have to do it all again. aum, ducky88, leapinlizards and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 23, 2023 Share Posted June 23, 2023 A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says to himself with caution, “This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before.” So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea. He says loudly, “Mmm, that was delicious lion meat!” The lion abruptly stops and says “Woah! This guy must be tougher then he looks. I better leave while I can.” Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll go get him together.” So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts, “Where the hell is that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!” ducky88, funkyy and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 23, 2023 Share Posted June 23, 2023 A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human it was physically impossible. The little girl said: “When i get to heaven I'll ask Jonah.” The teacher asked: “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied: “Then you ask him.” ducky88, Karlston, funkyy and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 23, 2023 Share Posted June 23, 2023 When I asked my boss for a salary rise because I was doing the work of three men. He said he couldn't increase my pay, but if I told him the names of the three men he'd fire them. ducky88, funkyy and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurch234 Posted June 23, 2023 Share Posted June 23, 2023 (edited) Google searchs: Edited June 23, 2023 by lurch234 Karlston, ducky88 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 23, 2023 Share Posted June 23, 2023 ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 24, 2023 Share Posted June 24, 2023 My new girlfriend told me I'm terrible in bed. I told her it's unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute. Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 24, 2023 Share Posted June 24, 2023 One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?" "Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy." "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?" "Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2." ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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