[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

A woman went to doctor's office for her annual examination.

 

Suddenly, another older doctor noticed her burst out of the examination room, screaming as she ran down the hall. He stopped the hysterical woman and asked her to sit down and relax. Then, he asked her what she was so upset about.

 

A few minutes later, the older doctor marched back to the woman's doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Perry is 63 years old, she has four grown children, and seven grandchildren. And you told her she was pregnant?"

 

The woman's doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard, "Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"

[aum]

Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing their problems with getting old.

 

The first one said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich”.

 

The second lady says, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down”.

 

The third one says, “Well, ladies, I’m glad I don’t have any of those problems, knock on wood”.

 

As she hit her knuckles on the table she looked up and said, “That must be the door… I’ll get it!”

[ducky88]

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.

The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks."

The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth.

After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed.

Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.

It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

[Karlston]

This ad popped up in Oslo, Norway, where over 4.000 American sailors from the

USS Gerald R. Ford are set to enjoy their shore leave this weekend.

[aum]

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?"

 

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

 

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

[aum]

Yesterday, I farted in the Apple Store and everyone got upset at me.

It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

 

[aum]

A lady dies and the police finds out she was the madam at an illegal brothel They find her black book of workers and clients so they assign Bill, an older, widowed detective to talk to the women to find out more about the operation. They figure as an older man Bill won't be as enticed as younger detectives by the pretty young women.

 

A few weeks into the investigation Bill goes to his supervisor and says he needs to be relieved of the case because of a conflict of interest. The supervisor asks what he means.

 

"Well," Bill says, "All was going well and I was getting good info from the girls, but then the last woman in the book was Cindy, a sweet, beautiful and funny 59 year old. We met a couple of times and to make a long story short, we started dating and have now become an item."

 

The supervisor looks at Bill and says "I can't believe it Bill. Thirty eight years on the job, 2 years away from retirement, and you fell for the oldest trick in the book."

[aum]

The other night, I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise," were my last words.

 

The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated.

 

Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!

 

Realizing that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was quit pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!

 

The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, "Midnight...like I promised." He didn't even raise and eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! Phew! Got away with that one!

 

After a moment, he then replied, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."

 

A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded:

 

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

A story in two parts

[ducky88]

A man goes into a doctor's office and says, "Help! I think I'm a moth!"
The doctor says, "Well, I can't help you, I'm only a GP. You need the psychiatrist next door.

Why on earth did you come to me?"
And the man says, "Your light was on."

[aum]

Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.

It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.

[aum]

An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, " Wow! You wouldn't believe the dream I had."

 

The wife replies, "Yes, go on tell me."

 

So the husband says "I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married."

 

The wife says, "Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare."

 

The husband says, "No, I am sure it was a dream."

[aum]

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale."

 

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

 

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep, " the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

 

The owner replies, "He's such a fucking liar."

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[Karlston]

This pumpkin is concerned about his future

[aum]

If I'm reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

[aum]

I married my wife for her looks.

Though not the ones she been giving me lately.

[aum]

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.

So I woke him at 2 AM to tell him my sock came off.

[aum]

English lesson:

 

Tsunami
T is silent

 

Psychology
P is silent

 

Knife
K is silent

 

Honest
H is silent

 

Wife
Husband is silent

[aum]

“A 70 years old retired Military officer had one hobby – he loved to fish.

 

He was sitting in his boat and fishing when he heard a voice say, ‘Pick me up’ .

He looked around and couldn’t see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the same voice say again, ‘Pick me up.’

He looked in the water and saw a frog floating on the water surface.

The retired officer asked the frog: ‘Are you talking to me?’

The frog said, ‘Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up & kiss me; and I’ll turn into the most beautiful girl you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!’

The retired officer looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

The frog said, ‘What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said?’

I said, ‘Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.’

 

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, ‘Nah. I would like to have a talking frog rather than a nagging wife.