[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby were talking about their grandchildren.

 

Dolly said, “Each year I send each of my grandchildren a card with a generous check inside. I never hear from them neither receive a thank you message !”

 

Ruby replies. “I too send them a very generous check. I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit.”

 

“Wow !, How come ?”remarked Dolly.

 

“Very simple solution, I don’t sign the check.”

 

Edited May 18, 2023 by aum

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Edited May 18, 2023 by aum

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[Karlston]

Every doctor needs bowling pins and a pump shotgun

[Karlston]

I love my town

[aum]

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar.

 

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"

[aum]

I just passed my drug test.

My dealer has some explaining to do!

[aum]

A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happened upon an old tribesman lying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.

 

The father of the family asked the old tribeman what he was doing.

 

The tribesman began to speak: "woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, white, four-door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h.

 

"That's amazing!" exclaimed the father. "You can tell all that just by listening to the ground?"

 

"No," said the old tribesman, weakly. "They just ran over me five minutes ago!"

[aum]

Two elderly, excited women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of lust, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs..."AMEN, BROTHER!"

 

When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, they yelled again..."PREACH IT, REVEREND!"

 

And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying...they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER...TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!"

 

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet, and one turned to the other and said, "He's done quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."

[aum]

On a recent flight I was on, this elderly woman kept peering out the window.

 

Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing tip light.

 

Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

 

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."

[aum]

They say that "a problem shared is a problem halved."

I'm not too sure about that as last night I told my wife that my girlfriend was pregnant.

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One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

 

“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

Proudly he yelled back, “Chicago Bears!”

 

[aum]

A guy walks into a bar and people start lining up to punch him.

Yeah that’s the punchline

[aum]

I went skydiving today for the first time.

This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane.

As we plummeted he said, "So how long have you been an instructor?"

[aum]

"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"

 

"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."

 

"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.

[aum]

A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming.

 

She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."

"Oh I'm sorry," responded the underclassman, "I didn't realize you were pregnant."

[aum]

Once a doctor asked a 100-year-old man and his 98-year-old wife for their health secrets.

 

The old man said, “I’ll tell you my secret. I’ve been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometres. So I’ve been walking 5 kilometres every day for past 75 years!"

 

The doctor was amazed and applauded and asked again, "ut how come your wife is very healthy as well?”

 

The old man answered, "That is another secret. For 75 years every single day she has been following me to make sure I really walk the full 5 kilometres!”

[Karlston]

[aum]

I got arrested today for walking out of an art museum with a painting.

I’m just so confused ...

... because earlier when I asked the security if I could take a picture they said "yes".

[aum]

What gets burning hot right before it freezes?

A laptop.

[aum]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

 

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before.  For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

 

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."