[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

[Karlston]

Every doctor needs bowling pins and a pump shotgun

[aum]

We’ve been letting our six-year-old go to sleep listening to the radio, and I’m beginning to wonder if it’s a good idea.

 

Last night he said his prayers and wound up with: “And God bless Mommy and Daddy and Sister. Amen—and FM!”

[aum]

[Karlston]

This little baby is going to save so much time

[aum]

[Karlston]

Notised this while surveying utility poles at work

[aum]

I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea.

He said he can’t complain.

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

A couple were going out for the evening. They’d got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc.
The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in.

They don’t want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -”Sorry I took so long” he says,

“Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!”

[Karlston]

Neighbor bought a new truck. Didn't measure twice

[aum]

A lawyer’s dog runs around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast.

 

The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”

 

The lawyer answers, “Definitely.”

 

“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”

 

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.

 

The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

 

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 is due for a consultation.

[Karlston]

[aum]

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.

Then I want to move in with them."

[Karlston]

[aum]

My wife asked me what "mansplaining" means
...now what am I supposed to do?

 

___

 

If you spell the words "Absolutely Nothing" backwards, you get "Gnihton Yletulosba" ...
…which ironically means Absolutely nothing.

 

___

 

I was feeling depressed. So my wife put her hand on my shoulder and said: "Earth."
That meant the world to me.

 

___

 

I worked really hard on a party to blend my Mexican and Norwegian heritage, but in the end it was just a big disappointment.
What did I expect from a Fjord Fiesta.

 

___

 

I have a pen that can write underwater
It can write other words as well.

[aum]

A priest came to a dying author to read him his last rites."Do you reject the devil?" asked the priest."

 

This is no time to be making enemies," replied the author.

 

[aum]

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

 

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

 

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

[aum]

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747... call sign Speedbird 206.

 

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

 

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

 

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

 

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, And I didn't land."

 

[aum]

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

 

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

 

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

 

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

 

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

 

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

 

[aum]

A policeman goes home after a long and exhausting day at work.

He enters the dark bedroom and strips off his uniform, leaving it on the floor.

Being so tired he did not bother to turn on the light, plus he didn’t want to disturb his wife who was in bed.

Just before he got into bed his wife said

“Honey we are out of bread, please buy one at the corner shop, as I needed it to make breakfast for the kids.”

” Fine,” said the husband,

“but you should have mentioned it before I took off my uniform.”

 

He then put on his uniform and went to the corner shop. He took up the loaf of bread and while paying for it, the cashier says to him

“New job?”

“Nah” replied the policeman.

 

“Really?” said the cashier, “so how come you have on fireman uniform?”

[Karlston]

I needed a lamp, and love eggs, no brainer...

[ducky88]

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally?

How is your connection with God?''
And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me.

Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.
He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God.

He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''
And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!''

[aum]

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher.

 

The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."

He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write, 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."