[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Disco Bob]

A man and a woman can be friends with no s*x involved .......

 

Its called a Marriage !!!!

[Karlston]

[Disco Bob]

[aum]

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You know what would have happened if there had been three wise Women instead of three wise Men, don’t you?

 

The three wise WOMEN would have asked for directions,

arrived on time,

helped deliver the Baby,

cleaned the stable,

made a casserole, and

given practical gifts.

[aum]

When 6-year-old Johnny and his mum are waiting at the bus stop, she says to him.

 

“I’ll get a ticket for myself and if the driver asks how old you are, tell him you are 5, then I won’t have to pay.”

 

The bus pulls up, they get on and Mum pays for an adult return to the town center.

 

The driver then asks the boy.

“And what is your name, young man?”

He proudly replies. “I’m Johnny.”

The driver inquires.

“And how old are you, Johnny?”

“I’m only 5 years old.”

 

“And when will you be 6?”

 

“As soon as I get off the bus!”

 

[aum]

The Pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

 

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor’s family expanded; so would his paycheck.

 

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor’s expanding salary.

 

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

 

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, “Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.”

 

Silence fell over the congregation.

 

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,

 

“Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.”

 

The entire congregation said, “Amen.”

[aum]

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

A 5-year-old said grace at a family dinner one night. “Dear God, thank you for these pancakes.”

 

When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken.

 

He smiled and said, “I thought I’d see if he was paying attention tonight.”

 

 

[aum]

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

 

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

 

He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.

 

Did you say hello?"

[aum]

A man walks out onto a busy New York City street and happens to catch a taxi just going by.

 

He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, “Wow, perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

The passenger looks confused, and asks, "Who.?”

The cabby says, “Frank Feldman!”

He explains, “He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman – every single time.”

The passenger remarked, “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

“Not Frank Feldman.” The cabby said with gusto.

He clarified, “ Frank Feldmans was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

The passenger said, “Sounds like he was really something special.”

The cabby replied, “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.”

The cabby kept going, “He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman – he could do everything right.”

The passenger was amazed, “Wow, what a guy!”

The cabby continued, “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.”

The cabby concluded: “He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “How did you meet him?”

 

𝐂𝐚𝐛𝐛𝐲: “𝐈 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐦𝐞𝐭 𝐅𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐤. 𝐇𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐞𝐝 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐈 𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐝 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐟𝐞.”

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Cindy is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Manager’s door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Cindy surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s.

She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,

wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Cindy.
I’m sorry, he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…
Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

[aum]

On a job interview, the manager handed me his laptop and said, "Sell this to me."

So, I took it, left the office, and headed back to my place.

Eventually, he phoned me and demanded, "Return my laptop immediately!"

I said, "$300, and it's yours!"

[aum]

Parent's Dictionary

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

 

DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

 

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

 

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

 

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

 

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

 

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

 

IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

 

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

 

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

 

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

 

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

 

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

 

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

 

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

 

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

 

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

[Karlston]

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic

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