[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

Just reading that there's a small Island off the coast of Italy with 5 million sicilian people.

That's the biggest number I've ever heard.

 

Edited April 26, 2023 by aum

[aum]

A wealthy old man was lying on his deathbed when it occurred to him he had never made a will, so he called his lawyer to help him make his will.

 

The following day his lawyer came, and the wealthy man said, “I want 25% of my money to go to charity. After all, I’ve taken, I should give something back.”

“How generous of you,” the lawyer responded.

“I’ll make sure it happens right away.”

 

“I also want 25% of it to go to my son. He’s been counting the days till he could get my money,” the old man said.

“Okay, I’ll make sure he receives 25% of it,” the lawyer replied.

 

“I want the rest to go to my wife, on condition that she remarries after I die,” the old man said.

 

“Okay, I’ll ensure that that happens, but may I ask why you want her to remarry? It’s a quite obscure request,” the lawyer asked.

 

“I want to make sure at least one man regrets my death,” the old man said.

[debebee]

2 hours ago, aum said:

Just reading that there's a small Island off the coast of Italy with 5 million Sicilian people.

That's the biggest number I've ever heard.

Just reading that there's a small Island off the coast of Italy with 5 million sicillion people.

That's the biggest number I've ever heard.

[aum]

Health inspector: "I'm afraid you have too many roaches in here."

Restaurant owner: "How many am I allowed?"

[aum]

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.

 

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment.

His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks, “Tim, I’ve been thinking, now that we’re married maybe it’s time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs.”

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

 

She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

“For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife.”

“Ex-wife!” she screams, “I didn’t know you were married before!”

 

“I wasn’t,” he replied.

[aum]

Someone once told me, “Go for broke!”

I’m happy to report that I succeeded.

[aum]

A man goes to a Unitarian Universalist service for the first time, and later is asked what he thought of it.

 

"Darnedest church I ever went to," he replies, "the only time I heard the name of Jesus Christ was when the janitor fell down the stairs."

[aum]

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

 

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there," answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station."

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo.

 

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked "Why would you do that?"

 

"Because he's never seen a train crash."

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

[aum]

You know what really makes me throw up?

A dartboard on a ceiling.

[aum]

Our parish priest was making a visit to my nephew's home.

 

He knocked on the door and the little 4-year-old boy went to the door and saw the priest.

 

He called to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for God is here!"

[aum]

A husband went to the police station to file a “missing person” report for his missing wife:

 

Husband: “I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn’t come back yet.”

Inspector: “What is her height?”

Husband: “I never checked.”

Inspector: “Slim or healthy?”

Husband: “Not slim, she can be healthy.”

Inspector: “Color of eyes.”

Husband: “Never noticed.”

Inspector: Color of hair?”

Husband: “It changes according to season.”

Inspector: “What was she wearing?”

Husband: “Not sure. It may have been a dress or maybe a suit.”

Inspector: “Was she driving?”

Husband: “Yes.”

Inspector: “Tell me the type and color of the car?”

Husband: “A black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0-litre V6 engine generating 333 horsepower teamed with an eight-speed Tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. It has full LED headlights, which use light-emitting diodes for all light functions. It has a very thin scratch on the front left door and then the husband started crying.”

 

Inspector: “Don’t worry sir, we will find your car!”

[Karlston]

[aum]

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

 

Her mother asked, “How was the honeymoon?”

“Oh, Mum,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…” Suddenly she burst out crying.

“But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language…things I’d ever heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come to get me and take me home. Please, Mum!”

“Sarah,” her mother said, “Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?”

“Please don’t make me tell you, Mum,” wept the daughter, “I’m so embarrassed, they’re just too awful!

Come get me, please!” “Darling, you must tell me what have you so upset.

 

Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!” Still sobbing, the bride said,

 

“Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!”

[Karlston]

[debebee]

On 4/30/2023 at 2:55 AM, Karlston said:

[ducky88]

 

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh, what was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle."

[Karlston]

Big tech has gone too far

[aum]

Jack: "It's times like this that I wish I'd listened to what my Dad always said."

Jake: "What did he say?"

"I don't know, I wasn't listening."

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story.

 

As she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done.

 

Then she came across the drawing of one little boy. He was busy drawing a man driving an old car. In the backseat were two passengers—both scantily dressed.”"It's a lovely picture,” prompted the teacher, “but which story does it tell?”

 

The little boy seemed surprised at the question. “Well,” he exclaimed, “doesn't it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?”

[ducky88]

A woman was playing a round of golf as she teed off she sliced and hit the man on the next hole

and watched in horror as he clasped his hands at his groin and fell to the ground rolling about in agony.

She runs over "I'm so sorry" she says "let me help".
"It's OK" says the man". "but I'm a physio therapist" she says  and slowly moves the mans hands away from his groin

undoes his trousers and starts massaging him.

After a few minutes she says "is that better"

"That's fantastic" he replies "but i still think my thumb is broken".

 

[aum]

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

 

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

 

[Karlston]

After being boarded up for years the old heritage listed Post Office in Newcastle (Australia) has morphed into a spontaneous art piece celebrating petty civil disobedience