[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

I grabbed my package before the guy had taken the delivery photo

[debebee]

SQUIRREL INFESTATION

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

 

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

 

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

 

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

 

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

 

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
 

Edited April 19, 2023 by debebee

[aum]

Which letter is silent in "scent"?

Is it the 'C' or the 'S'?

[aum]

Did you hear about the plague of cartoon skunks?

It’s a Pepidemic!

[debebee]

@aum neither is silent. They work together as a digraph in the word scent to create the /s/ sound. Some may argue that the "c" is silent because you only hear the /s/ sound, but because "c" always makes an /s/ sound before an "e," it's not silent in scent.neither is silent. They work together as a digraph in the word scent to create the /s/ sound. Some may argue that the "c" is silent because you only hear the /s/ sound, but because "c" always makes an /s/ sound before an "e," it's not silent in scent.neither is silent. They work together as a digraph in the word scent to create the /s/ sound. Some may argue that the "c" is silent because you only hear the /s/ sound, but because "c" always makes an /s/ sound before an "e," it's not silent in scent.neither is silent. They work together as a digraph in the word scent to create the /s/ sound. Some may argue that the "c" is silent because you only hear the /s/ sound, but because "c" always makes an /s/ sound before an "e," it's not silent in scent.

Edited April 20, 2023 by Karlston
Improve readibility with dark theme

[aum]

A little child was in church for the first time and watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.

 

When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster said in a little voice loud enough for everyone to hear:

 

"Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."

[aum]

A young man named Rich bought a horse from a farmer for $250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

 

The next day, the farmer drove up to Rich’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Rich replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

Rich said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”

The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”

Rich said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”

Rich said, “Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

 

A month Later, the farmer met up with Rich and asked.

“What happened with that dead horse?”

Rich said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.”

The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

 

Rich said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.”

 

[Karlston]

What’s going on here?

[aum]

A hunter ventures into the forest to hunt a bear, armed with his trusty 22-gauge rifle. After some time, he spots an enormous bear, takes aim, and fires. The smoke clears, but the bear has vanished.

Moments later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "Nobody shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two options: I can tear out your throat and eat you, or you can drop your pants, bend over, and I'll do as I please." The hunter, fearing death, drops his pants and bends over, allowing the bear to do as he said.

Once the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his pants and hobbles back into town, bow-legged and furious. He purchases a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He spots the same bear, takes aim, and fires. The smoke clears, and the bear is gone.

The bear taps the hunter on the shoulder once more and says, "You know the drill." Humiliated, the hunter pulls up his pants, drags himself back to town, and buys a bazooka. Now seething with rage, he returns to the forest, spots the bear, aims, and fires. The blast from the bazooka sends him sprawling onto his back.

As the smoke clears, the bear looms over him and says, "This isn't really about hunting for you, is it?"

[aum]

 

[ducky88]

A group of 40 year-old buddies were discussing where they should go for dinner.

Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Glowing Embers Restaurant because the waitresses there are young, shapely, and beautiful.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group discusses again where they should meet.

Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Glowing Embers because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group discusses again where they should meet.

Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Glowing Embers because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group discusses again where they should meet.

Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Glowing Embers because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible and they have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group discusses again where they should meet.

Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Glowing Embers because they have never been there before.

[aum]

My 7 year-old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans.

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at the phones that kids your age are making in China!"

[Karlston]

I asked my son to take a picture of me at Disneyland

[Karlston]

Dr. Jacquelyn Hyde. Just hope you catch her on a good day

[Karlston]

Aisle 3 at Local Grocery Store...I knew I left him somewhere!

[aum]

On the sixth day, God created the platypus.

 

And God said: Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.

[aum]

My boss texted me, "Send me one of your funny jokes, Pete."

I replied, "I'm working at the moment, Sir, I will send you one later."

He replied, "That was fantastic, send me another one."

[aum]

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[aum]

[ducky88]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station,

when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice set up,' the firefighter said with admiration..
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Well,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your Fire Engine,

but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

[Karlston]

[aum]

Blind man walks into a store.

He grabs his guide dog by the tail and lifts it into the air then spins it around his head.

The store clerk, alarmed by this strange behavior said , "can I help you?"

 

"Nope, I'm just looking around."