[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

My sister was busy getting ready to host our entire family for Easter. On her to-do list was a hair appointment for her daughter.

"So, Katie," said the stylist as the little girl got up in the chair, "who’s coming to your house this weekend with big ears and floppy feet?"

Katie replied, "I think it’s my Uncle Brian."

 

[aum]

A little boy came home eating a big candy bar. Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. Surprised, she asked him where he got it.

 

"I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me," he said."But that dollar was for Sunday School," his mother replied.

 

Smiling, the boy said, "I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!"

[Karlston]

what’s the best use for this?

[ducky88]

Job Applicant: "I'm looking for a job as a consultant."
Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have enough consultants."
Applicant: "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor."
Employer: "More than we can use already."
Applicant: As he is getting desperate, "I'm not proud, I can do
paperwork, I'll be a clerk, If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor."
Employer: "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications."
Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, "work for you I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!"
Employer: "Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening."

[aum]

A group of Americans were touring Ireland.

 

One woman in the group was constantly grumbling: The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

 

The group reached the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Kissing the Blarney Stone brings good luck all your life," the guide explained. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today, so no one can kiss it. Maybe we can return tomorrow."

 

"We can't be here tomorrow," the cantankerous woman snapped. "We have another dull tour to attend. So, I guess we can't kiss that silly stone."

 

"Well," the guide replied, "it's said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll receive the same good fortune."

 

"I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

 

"No, ma'am," the exasperated guide responded, "but I've sat on it."

[aum]

A man driving a Kia stops at a traffic light next to a Rolls-Royce.

 

The Kia driver rolls down his window and calls out to the Rolls-Royce driver, "Hey, pal, that's an impressive car. Does your Rolls have Wi-Fi? My Kia does!"
The Rolls-Royce driver replies, "Yes, it has Wi-Fi."

The Kia driver continues, "Nice! And do you have a fridge in there? I have a fridge in the backseat of my Kia!"
The Rolls-Royce driver, getting irritated, responds, "Yes, there's a refrigerator."

Not backing down, the Kia driver asks, "That's cool, man! What about a TV? I've got a TV in my Kia's backseat!"
The Rolls-Royce driver, increasingly annoyed, says, "Yes, there's a television. A Rolls-Royce is the epitome of luxury vehicles!"

The Kia driver says, "Amazing car! But, do you have a bed in there? I've got a bed in the back of my Kia!"

 

Frustrated that his car lacks a bed, the Rolls-Royce driver speeds off.

He heads straight to the dealership and orders a bed to be installed in his Rolls.

 

The following morning, he picks up his car, and the bed looks fantastic, complete with silk sheets and elegant brass accents. It's undoubtedly a bed suited for a Rolls-Royce.

The Rolls-Royce driver spends the entire day searching for the Kia. Finally, late that night, he spots the Kia parked with fogged-up windows. He gets out of his Rolls-Royce and knocks on the Kia's window. At first, there's no response, but then the owner pokes his head out, dripping wet.

 

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the Rolls-Royce driver declares smugly.

The Kia driver replies, "Did you really drag me out of the shower just to tell me that?!"

[aum]

The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it.

The rat was in the middle of the cage.

 

Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on one side and kept a female rat on the other side.

The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.

Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread.

The male rat ran towards the bread.

This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time.

And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.

 

Professor said: This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction.

 

Then, one of the students from the back rows said, “Sir, why don’t you change the female rat? This one may be his wife!”

[aum]

[aum]

[Karlston]

For weeks we’ve been having issues with a bird flying into this window. My daughter’s Nicolas Cage pillow solved the problem

[aum]

My Russian mechanic souped up my car.

Now it drives like a Borscht!

[aum]

My wife and I are a temperamental couple.

I’ve got a temper and she’s mental.

[aum]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.

 

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and doing anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

 

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude

and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.

 

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, up very softly,

“May I ask what the turkey did?”

[funkyy]

2 hours ago, aum said:

My wife and I are a temperamental couple.

I’ve got a temper and she’s mental.

That sums up my marriage in one sentence. lol

[aum]

45 minutes ago, funkyy said:

That sums up my marriage in one sentence. lol

That sums up my life!     

[Karlston]

Public shaming

[Karlston]

Car for sale, like new

[aum]

I just found out I'm colorblind.

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple!

[aum]

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

 

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

 

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

[ducky88]

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now den, don't forget all de research we've done on dis Russian.

He's never lost a match because of dis 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in dat hold! If he does, you're finished.'
Paddy nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Paddy and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.

His back hit the mat with a thud and Paddy collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of dat hold? No one has ever done dat before!'
Paddy answered 'Well now, I was ready to give up when he got me in dat hold but at de last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face.

I had nothing to lose so wit my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could.'
The trainer exclaimed 'So dat's what finished him off?'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong yer get when yer bite yer own Knackers.

[aum]

Yesterday the Police arrested me for unsolicited Spooning.

I wasn't charged, they just held me over night.

Which I loved, by the way.

[aum]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

 

A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.

 

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

 

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$90,000.”

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up.

 

The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

 

He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is.

[Karlston]

Home-made pet tracking system spotted at city park in Budapest this morning

[aum]

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

"SUPPLIES!"

[aum]

Grandpa was telling his young grandson what life was like when he was a boy.

 

“In the winter we’d ice skate on our pond. In the summer we could swim in the pond, and pick berries in the woods. We’d swing on an old tire my dad hung from a tree on a rope. And we had a pony we rode all over the farm.”

 

The little boy was amazed,, and sat silently for a minute.

 

Finally, he said, “Granddad, I wish I’d gotten to know you a lot sooner!”