[JOTD] Joke of the day

[ducky88]

I was teaching a very basic class in BASIC programming to a group of adults.

Adults who have never been around computers before are very nervous and much harder to teach than children,

however I am a patient person so I enjoy their successes.
However, I must share the following:
After putting a short program on the board, I told the students to type "R," "U," "N" and press return to see the program execute.
A hand went up in the back of the room, waving to get my attention, and the person attached to the hand said,

"I did what you said and it didn't work." Knowing full-well that all of us make mistakes when typing at the computer,

I suggested she retype "R," "U," "N" and press return. A few seconds later, the lady's hand goes up again. "It still doesn't work," she said.
So... I went back to see what the problem was ... only to find that instead of typing RUN, she had typed in the following: ARE YOU IN !

[Karlston]

[aum]

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

 

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.

 

As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and the attorney were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

 

Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

 

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

[aum]

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.

 

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand-painted sign that read, "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass.

 

CAUTION: Do not step on exhaust."

 

 

[aum]

An elderly snake went to the doctor and told him: “Doc, my eyesight is so bad, I can’t see to hunt any more. I think I need a pair of glasses.”

So the doctor fixed the snake up with a pair of glasses and told him to come back if he still couldn’t manage.

 

Two weeks later, the snake was back in the doctor’s office.

“I’m depressed,” he complained.

“Why, what’s the problem?” asked the doctor.

“Haven’t the glasses helped?”

“The glasses are fine,” sighed the snake.

 

“But I’ve discovered that I’ve been living with a garden hose for the past three years.”

[aum]

[aum]

Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed them how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.

 

And now it was question time.

 

"Class," he said, "my name begins with the letter 'M,' and I pick up things. What am I?"

 

A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."

 

[Karlston]

Amazing actor. 3 characters in 1

[debebee]

[aum]

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

 

"The front row please." she answered. "You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

 

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired." No." he said. "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

 

"Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No." she said. "Good," he answered.

 

[aum]

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. His co-worker, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.

 

Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. Just an old hockey injury that acts up once in awhile."

 

Josh said, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."

 

Andy replied, "No, I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup Play-offs. I put my foot through the television."

 

[aum]

At a meeting, the Boss told a joke.

Everyone on the team laughed except one guy.

The Boss asked him, 'Didn’t you understand my joke?'

The guy replied, 'Oh I understood it, but I resigned this morning.'

 

[Karlston]

This is getting ridiculous

[ducky88]

A patient goes to the doctor's office where, much to his surprise the doctor asks him, "Would you please help me with a problem I'm having?"
Sure, doctor, what can I do for you, says the patient.
"Would you scream in the most earsplitting, piercing screams you can manage? Try to make it sound as if you're in terrible pain." The doctor says.
"But why, doctor, you've always been gentle with me and your treatments have never caused me any pain?" Asks the patient.
"Yes," Says the doctor in a matter-of-fact tone, "but I have a 4 o'clock tee time at the golf course I don't want to miss, and my waiting room is still full of patients."

[aum]

Inscribed in stone over the great front doors of an old church being restored was: “This is the Gate of Heaven.”

Just below it someone had placed a small cardboard sign which read: “Use Other Entrance.”

 

 

[aum]

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

“Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to mother?

Who does everything she says?”

Five small voices answered in unison.

“Okay, dad, you get the toy.”

 

[funkyy]

19 hours ago, Karlston said:

This is getting ridiculous

Hi Karlston, I've had to click on that stuff to get to download links.

This example is bad enough...but yesterday they started with a new

nonsense. They show an image of a seahorse and tell you to click

the middle of the seahorse's head. I clicked the seahorse's head to death

and it kept indicating that I was wrong. I finally gave up lol.

Edited April 7, 2023 by funkyy
spelling error

[aum]

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.

 

An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

 

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?"

 

"Flat on his butt over by the holy water!" the boy informed him.

[aum]

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds.

 

They’ve left no tern unstoned.

 

[Karlston]

Should’ve renewed earlier

[ducky88]

In the Beginning was The Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying
"It is a crock of s**t, and it stinketh."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,
"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them,
"It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,
"This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this
Company, and in these Areas in particular."
And the President looked upon The Plan,
And saw that it was good, and The Plan became Policy.
And this is how s**t Happens.

[debebee]

[debebee]

Finals
And it came to pass,
Early in the morning toward the last day of the semester (quarter),
There arose a great multitude smiting the books and wailing.
And there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth
For the Day of Judgement was at hand
And they were sore afraid, for they had left undone
Those things which they ought to have done,
And they had done
Those things which they ought not to have done
And there was no help for it.
And there were many abiding in the dorm
Who had kept watch over their books by night.
But it availed them not.
But some there were who rose peacefully,
For they had prepared themselves the way
And made straight paths of knowledge
And these were known
As Wise Burners of the Midnight Oil
And to others they were known as "Curve-raisers".
And the multitude arose
And ate a hearty breakfast.
And they came unto the appointed place
And their hearts were heavy within them.
And they had come to pass,
But some to pass out.
And some of them
Repented at their riotous living and bemoaned their fate,
But they had not a prayer.
And at the last hour there came among them
One known as The Instructor; and they feared him exceedingly.
He was of the diabolical smile,
And passed papers among them and went his way.
And many and varied
Were the answers that were given.
For some of his teachings had fallen among fertile minds.
While others had fallen flat.
And some they were who wrote for one hour,
Others for two;
But some were turned away sorrowfully, and many of these
Offered up a little bull
In hopes of pacifying The Instructor.
And these were the ones who had not a prayer.
And when they finished,
They gathered their belongings
And went their way quietly, each in his own direction,
And each vowing unto himself in this manner,
"I shall not pass this way again."

 

From the UCLA Blue Moon, June 1985

Edited April 9, 2023 by debebee

[aum]

A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town. When the children returned to school a few days later, one grade school teacher asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively.

 

"I sure did, teacher," one little girl replied. "I just prayed for more snow."

[Karlston]

I think he might