[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

It is World Piano Day!

 

A man walks into a bar with a small dog under his arm and sits down at the counter, placing the dog on the stool next to him. The bartender says, "Sorry, pal. No dogs allowed."

The man says, "But this is a special dog – he plays the piano!"

The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay and have a drink on the house!"

So the man puts the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart and then he plays some rock 'n' roll. The bartender and patrons are amazed.

Suddenly, a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out.

 

The bartender asks the man, "What was that all about?"

The man replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."

 

[aum]

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"

 

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, either come in or stay out!'"

[aum]

A man goes to a Unitarian Universalist service for the first time, and later is asked what he thought of it.

 

"Darndest church I ever went to," he replies. "The only time I heard the name of Jesus Christ was when the janitor fell down the stairs!"

 

[Karlston]

This device saves lives.

[aum]

The owner of a company tells his employees, “You worked very hard this year, therefore the company’s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I'm giving everyone a check for $5,000!”

Thrilled, the employees gather round and high five one another.

“And if you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks!”

[aum]

It is International Mermaid Day!

 

Why did the mermaid cross the sea?

To get to the other tide.

 

[aum]

I want to be a pastry chef, because I feel that tart imitates life.

 

[debebee]

[Karlston]

McDonald's getting aggressive trying to hire those 14 year olds

[aum]

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.

 

First Woman : “My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.”

 

Second Woman : “I know.”

 

First Woman : “How?”

 

Second Woman : “My dog told me.”

 

[aum]

An elderly couple returned to a Mercedes dealership to find the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in, to a beautiful Lady.

“I thought you said you would hold that car until we raised the $75, 000 asking price,” said the man.

“Yet I just heard you close the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady over there. You insisted there could be no discounts on this model,”

“Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and just look at her. How could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman.

Just then the young woman approached the old folks and handed them the keys.

“There you go,” she said.

“I told you I could get this joker to drop the price.”

“See you later, grandpa.”

 

Goes to show: Never mess with the elderly!

[ducky88]

One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names?

The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees...

Why do you ask Two Dogs f**king."

[aum]

A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory was always late for work.

When confronted by his boss the man explained, "You can't park anywhere near this place!"

 

[aum]

A Sunday school teacher asked her second graders if anyone knew another name for God. She was picturing answers like 'Lord' or 'Almighty'.

 

After a long moment of silence a little boy raised his hand and said, "Howard."

 

"Howard?" replied the confused teacher.

 

"You know," continued the boy, "Howard be thy name."

[debebee]

[debebee]

[aum]

A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known.

And then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

 

[aum]

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son.

 

He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city. But his wife looked back and was turned to salt."

 

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

 

[Disco Bob]

That sexy bulge in a man's pants that all women want and cannot resist ....

 

 

Is called a wallet !!!!

[Karlston]

Moving out of house. Left something in the crawlspace for when the new residents start to snoop

[Karlston]

Pizza Hut in Taiwan sells pizza with only crust on April Fool's day

[aum]

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

 

The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

 

[aum]

John brought his new work colleague, Robert, home for dinner.

 

As they arrived at the door, his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John and kissed him passionately.

 

“Wow!” said Robert. “And how long have you two been married?”

 

“Twenty-four years,” replied John.

 

“You must have a terrific marriage if your wife greets you like that after all those years.”

 

“Don’t be fooled,” said John.

 

“She only does it to make the dog jealous.”

[aum]

A computer once beat me at chess.

But it was no match for me at kickboxing!

 

[aum]

An old lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for.

The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, “I was going to park there!”

 

The man was a real smart alec and he said, “That’s what you can do when you’re young and bright.”

“Well, this really upset the lady, even more, So she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and ploughed straight into his Mercedes.

 

The young man ran back to his car and asked, “What did you do that for?”

 

The little old lady smiled and told him, “That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!”