aum Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 A guy walks into a bar and demands to know, “Who’s the strongest in here?” The toughest guy looks at him and says, “I am the strongest around here!” The other guy politely asks, “Can you help me push my car to the gas station?” ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 Man tries to open a bank account. Teller asks him, “Your name?” J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh. Oh, you stutter? No, my dad did, but the person, who did by birth certificate, was a complete moron! ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 Wife: I dreamed you gave me $500 for summer clothes last night. You would not spoil that dream, would you, Dear? Husband: Of course not, Darling. You may keep the $500. funkyy and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I told him, “My door is always open!” ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debebee Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 funkyy and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 A mathematician, and physicist, and an engineer are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball. The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so he measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula. The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an object so they submerge it in water and record the change in water level. The engineer finds the number on the ball then pulls out their book of red rubber balls and finds its specifications. Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 A guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat, and orders a whiskey double, neat. The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over. The gentleman reaches into his blazer, searching frantically. This catches the bartender’s attention, so he monitors the patron out of the corner of his eye. Finally, the man finds what he’s looking for and sighs a sigh of relief. He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey. The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, “I’m terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?” To which the man replies surprised, “Oh no no everything’s fine! I just promised my wife I’d never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again.” funkyy, Karlston and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a pharmacy. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, “Are you the owner?” The Pharmacist answers, “Yes.” Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?” Pharmacist: “Of course we do.” Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?” Pharmacist: “Definitely.” Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?” Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.” Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?” Pharmacist: “Absolutely.” Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?” Pharmacist: “We sure do.” Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?” Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.” Jacob: “In that case, we’d like to use this store for our wedding presents list.” ducky88, vitorio, Karlston and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 Husband: “I’m going down to the pub, get your coat on. Wife: “Ooh, am I coming?” Husband: “No, I’m turning the heating off.” ducky88, funkyy and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home. He smells something amazing. It’s the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. With his last strength, he gets out of bed and goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. They are on a plate, four of them, just out of the oven. With his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies. His wife sees him, rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, “No, they are for the funeral.” funkyy, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debebee Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 (edited) Edited March 23, 2023 by debebee Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debebee Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 Karlston and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 Saleswoman: "When this baby doll is put to bed, it goes to sleep just like a real baby." Mrs. Williams: "Whoever made it didn't know much about real babies." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, Mom?" "To make myself beautiful," she answered. She then began to remove the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" Johnny started. "Giving up?" funkyy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American. "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them." The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!" funkyy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 aum 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debebee Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 Karlston and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 You can own a sheep, or fleece it. Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debebee Posted March 24, 2023 Share Posted March 24, 2023 Karlston, ducky88 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debebee Posted March 24, 2023 Share Posted March 24, 2023 Karlston and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted March 24, 2023 Share Posted March 24, 2023 Three Doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, `I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.` Doctor Fitzpatrick says, `I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.` Doctor Ahn says, `I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.` lurch234, funkyy, Karlston and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 24, 2023 Share Posted March 24, 2023 You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's common sense leaving your body. ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 24, 2023 Share Posted March 24, 2023 Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry and A diet coke. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens To the counters. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. Only in America... do we use the word politics to describe the process so well. Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning blood sucking creatures. Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 24, 2023 Share Posted March 24, 2023 A little three-year-old boy was sitting on the toilet. His mother thought he had been in there too long, so she went in to see what was up. She found him sitting on the toilet reading a book, so she stood at the door quietly and watched. Every ten seconds or so, he put the book down, gripped the toilet seat with his left hand, and hit himself on top of the head with his right hand. His mother finally broke the silence, “Johnny, are you all right? You’ve been in here for a while…” “I’m fine, Mommy.I just haven’t gone ‘doody’ yet.” “Okay, you can stay here a few more minutes to finish, but, Johnny, why are you hitting yourself on the head?” Johnny gave her a hopeful smile, “Works for ketchup.” Karlston, Disco Bob and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Disco Bob Posted March 24, 2023 Share Posted March 24, 2023 My doctor told me to take two tablets every four hours and now I'm banned from PC World !!!! ducky88, Karlston and lurch234 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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