aum Posted March 5, 2023 Share Posted March 5, 2023 Good: Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: He wants a divorce. Ugly: He's a lawyer. Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you. Good: You give 'the birds and the bees' talk to your 14-year-old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections Karlston, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted March 5, 2023 Share Posted March 5, 2023 ducky88 and aum 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Disco Bob Posted March 5, 2023 Share Posted March 5, 2023 (edited) When I was young I was afraid of the dark . Now When I see my electric bill I’m afraid of the light !!!. Women and beer are very similar ...... Both make you act like a fool and some go down better than others !!!! Edited March 5, 2023 by Disco Bob lurch234, aum, funkyy and 3 others 1 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Disco Bob Posted March 5, 2023 Share Posted March 5, 2023 Chinese man once told me........ If u walk sideways through a doorway naked , you going to Bangkok !!! funkyy, lurch234 and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted March 6, 2023 Share Posted March 6, 2023 funkyy, Disco Bob, aum and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted March 7, 2023 Share Posted March 7, 2023 Cutting edge journalism in New Zealand Disco Bob, aum and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted March 8, 2023 Share Posted March 8, 2023 Please everyone, pray for my friends' 3-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn't photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook Karlston, aum, Disco Bob and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Disco Bob Posted March 8, 2023 Share Posted March 8, 2023 My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and burn them, so I did ! But i Don't know what to do with the letters ??.. Karlston, lurch234 and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted March 8, 2023 Share Posted March 8, 2023 Nopar King funkyy, Disco Bob, aum and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 8, 2023 Share Posted March 8, 2023 On his Birthday, a man named Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him. As he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. At lunchtime, Anna knocked on his door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” Peter happily agreed They had their lunch but on the way back to the office, Anna said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day. We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” Peter replied “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.” After arriving at her apartment, Anna said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” He nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. Followed by his wife, his kids, and dozens of his friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”. And Peter just sat there. On the couch. Naked! ducky88, Karlston and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 9, 2023 Share Posted March 9, 2023 A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!" ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 9, 2023 Share Posted March 9, 2023 A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is. “Well,” the man says, “I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I’m in the doghouse.” “What kind of question?” the neighbor asks. “My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly.” “That’s easy,” says the neighbor. “You just say, ‘Of course, I will’.” “Yeah,” says the other man, “that’s what I meant to say. But what came out was, ‘Of course I do’.” funkyy, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 9, 2023 Share Posted March 9, 2023 Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 9, 2023 Share Posted March 9, 2023 Disco Bob, Karlston and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted March 9, 2023 Share Posted March 9, 2023 Disco Bob, ducky88 and aum 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted March 10, 2023 Share Posted March 10, 2023 Work tools for men! Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. Skill Saw: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. Vise-Grips: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. Belt Sander: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Table Saw: A large stationary power tool used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Band Saw: A large stationary power saw primarily used to turn aluminum sheets into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside. Two-Ton Engine Hoist: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. Straight Screwdriver: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws, and butchering your palms. Hose Cutter: A tool used to make hoses too short. Breaker Bar: Used to 'skin knuckles' or pinch fingers when you PUSH instead of PULL in using it or the bolt/nut it was being used on breaks or shears off. aum, Karlston and Disco Bob 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 10, 2023 Share Posted March 10, 2023 I took the train to NYC today and the conductor paid me the nicest compliment as I was boarding. They said, “First class rear..." ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 10, 2023 Share Posted March 10, 2023 Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. The family trooped out to the driveway, and climbed into the car, where he was about to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to the old man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years." Karlston, pc71520 and ducky88 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 10, 2023 Share Posted March 10, 2023 A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses." The woman answered "Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!" Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 10, 2023 Share Posted March 10, 2023 Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob’s wife, Sue wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob’s wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn’t, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob’s house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" Sue, using her best poker face replied, "Well, yes, in fact, he did give me $500." Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back." Now, THAT is what I call "A Good Poker Player"! ducky88, funkyy and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted March 10, 2023 Share Posted March 10, 2023 My wife’s fortune cookie fortune ducky88, aum, Disco Bob and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 11, 2023 Share Posted March 11, 2023 When I mistook the piece of crap for the sausage, my day immediately took a turd for the wurst. ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 11, 2023 Share Posted March 11, 2023 A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian." ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 11, 2023 Share Posted March 11, 2023 A Mother -in -Law decides to test her three Son- in-laws for their good nature. For this, she goes for a walk by a river with the first son-in-law & jumps in. He saves her. The next morning he finds a Toyota Corolla parked outside his house with note: From your Mother In Law. Next she goes for a walk by the river with the second son-in-law & jumps in. He too saves her. The next morning he also finds a Toyota Corolla parked outside his house with note: From your Mother In Law. Next, she goes for a walk by a river with the third son-in-law & jumps in. He just laughs and walks away. Next morning he finds a BMW M5 parked outside his house with a note: From your Father In Law leapinlizards, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pc71520 Posted March 12, 2023 Share Posted March 12, 2023 aum, vitorio, Karlston and 3 others 1 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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