aum Posted February 26, 2023 Share Posted February 26, 2023 One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blowhard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother said, “That’s wonderful. Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?!” The father replies, “From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!” ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted February 27, 2023 Share Posted February 27, 2023 My mom locked my switch and I cant find the key Disco Bob, funkyy, aum and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted February 27, 2023 Share Posted February 27, 2023 I’m bored at work. Help me think of more things for the crawfish to say... ducky88 and aum 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 28, 2023 Share Posted February 28, 2023 My wife and I were stuck in traffic. Frustrated, I looked at her and said: “I’m turning round.” She replied: “I know - stop eating so many burgers.” funkyy, Karlston, ducky88 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 28, 2023 Share Posted February 28, 2023 I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay with the current job. He asked which companies? I told him gas, electric, and cable. Karlston, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 28, 2023 Share Posted February 28, 2023 It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here." Karlston, funkyy and ducky88 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 28, 2023 Share Posted February 28, 2023 Seeing his shares plummet on a black morning during the recession, the boss called to his secretary, “Get my broker, Miss Wilks!” ”Certainly, sir. Stock or pawn?” Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 28, 2023 Share Posted February 28, 2023 Karlston, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akaneharuka Posted February 28, 2023 Share Posted February 28, 2023 Disco Bob, lurch234, Karlston and 3 others 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted March 1, 2023 Share Posted March 1, 2023 Dear miss, your application for joining our dating website has been declined due to you answer to question 14.' "What is the best way to a mans heart???..." 'Through the back, between the shoulder blades with a big knife' is not an appropriate answer!!!! lurch234, aum and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted March 1, 2023 Share Posted March 1, 2023 Saw this on my way to work today ducky88, funkyy, kmr1685 and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 1, 2023 Share Posted March 1, 2023 Bubba was thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her. He asked God: “Why did you make her so kindhearted?” The Lord responded: “So you could love her my son” Next question: “Why did you make her so good-looking?” Reply: “So you could love her my son” Third one: “Why did you make her such a good cook?” Response: “So you could love her my son” Michael thought about this for a while, and then he said: “I don’t mean to seem ungrateful or anything. But why did you make her so stupid?” Without hesitation came the answer: “So she could love you, my son. kmr1685 and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted March 1, 2023 Share Posted March 1, 2023 You’re Welcome! aum, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 1, 2023 Share Posted March 1, 2023 ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 2, 2023 Share Posted March 2, 2023 One day at home the phone rings and Joe answers it. On the other end is a confused woman who asks, "Who is this?" "This is Joe. With whom did you wish to speak with?" After a pause the woman says, "Did you just say whom?" "Yes, I did." "Then you're definitely not my son!" ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 2, 2023 Share Posted March 2, 2023 A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in. Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation. "Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination." leapinlizards and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 2, 2023 Share Posted March 2, 2023 Karlston, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted March 2, 2023 Share Posted March 2, 2023 funkyy, ultrahub, aum and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 3, 2023 Share Posted March 3, 2023 The Bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced: Ladies and Gentlemen, today is the luckiest day of my life. Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and said: My daughter has finally returned my Credit Card to me!” The whole audience -- except one -- burst into laughter. That one was in complete silence. The Groom! ducky88, Karlston and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted March 3, 2023 Share Posted March 3, 2023 aum, leapinlizards, funkyy and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post ducky88 Posted March 4, 2023 Popular Post Share Posted March 4, 2023 On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single." lurch234, pc71520, vitorio and 4 others 3 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 4, 2023 Share Posted March 4, 2023 Sherlock Holmes stood at the Gates of Heaven pulling at his pipe awaiting his turn. "I'll let you in," said St. Peter, gesturing toward the heavenly throngs behind him, "if you'll tell me who among these was the first mortal." "Elementary, my dear St. Peter," said the great detective, "he's the one without a bellybutton." Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 4, 2023 Share Posted March 4, 2023 While trying to avoid hitting a dog, I lost control of my two-wheeler and landed in a ditch by the side of the road. With some difficulty, as I crawled out of the ditch, a beautiful woman who had stopped her car and came to help me asked “Are you okay?” “I’m okay I think,” I replied as I pulled myself up. She said, “Come, get in my car. I’ll take you to my place which is only a few blocks away. You can clean up, and then I will examine you to confirm that you are not hurt.” “That’s nice of you,” I answered, ” but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!” “Oh, come on, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “We need to see if you have any scrapes and treat them properly.” Well, she was really pretty and very kind. I could not say no, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.” We arrived at her place and after cleaning up, she examined me to confirm that I do not have any major injury and then offered a drink. We had a couple of drinks, but all along I was feeling guilty and finally told her, “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now.” “Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. I suppose, she must be at home, right?” “Well, not really. She must be still in the ditch.” ducky88, vitorio, Karlston and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted March 4, 2023 Share Posted March 4, 2023 aum, ducky88 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 5, 2023 Share Posted March 5, 2023 (When Kids Rewrite Songs) "God bless America through the night with a light from a bulb!” "O Susanna, O don’t you cry for me; for I come from Alabama with a Band-Aid on my knee!” "Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the whole East Coast.” "We shall come to Joyce’s, bringing in the cheese.” ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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