[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

[Karlston]

First bubble bath in nearly 35 years. I think I did something wrong?

[ducky88]

Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee, and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock -- no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."

[aum]

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were having a discussion about how they split the offering money between the church and God.

 

The rabbi said, "I take a piece of string, make a circle on my desk with it, and throw up the offering plate. Whatever goes inside the circle goes to God, and whatever falls outside the circle goes to the church."

 

The minister said, "Well, that's not bad, but I have a better way. I halve my entire office with a piece of string, and stand next to it. I throw up the offering plate, and whatever goes on the right side of the string goes to God, and whatever goes on the left side goes to the church."

 

The priest nodded, then said, "Well, that sounds pretty good, but we have a foolproof way of splitting the offering. I stand in the middle of my office, throw up the offering plate, and yell, "Keep what you want!""

[aum]

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hello... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

[aum]

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[aum]

[Karlston]

Things are so rough even Elon has taken a 2nd job as a model

[aum]

8am: Too tired to think.
Noon: Too tired to think.
5pm: Too tired to think.

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles?

 

[aum]

A man boarded an aeroplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ‘Business trip or pleasure?
She turned, smiled and said,
‘Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston’.
He swallowed hard.
Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, ‘What’s your business role at this convention?’
‘Lecturer,’ she responded.
‘ I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about s*xuality.

‘ Really?’ he said. ‘And what kind of myths are there?
‘Well, she explained, ‘one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
‘Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
‘I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck’.

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.

‘I’m sorry,’ she said, ‘I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.

‘Tonto’, the man said, ‘Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba’.

[aum]

[ducky88]

After an examination, the doctor said to his patient: 'You appear to be in good health.

Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do.' said the old man.. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly;

and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."
When the doctor examined his wife a short time later he said, 'Everything appears to be fine.

Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband mentioned an unusual problem.

He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time.

Do you have any idea about why?'
"Oh, that crazy old coot'' she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July, and the second time is in January."

[aum]

Me: I taught my dog to play chess.

Friend: He must be very smart?

Me: Not really, I beat him two games out of three!

 

[aum]

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line.

 

"Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake."

 

[Karlston]

What they would say if they could talk

[Disco Bob]

Just had the results of my IQ test ???.

 

 

Thank f*ck it`s negative !!!!

[aum]

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her young students about Noah and the ark.

 

She asked them what they thought Noah may have done to pass the time in the ark for forty years. After waiting a few moments, the teacher suggested, “Maybe he did a lot of fishing. How about that?”

 

One little boy gave her a funny look and said, “I don't think so. It’s kinda hard to fish with just two worms!”

[aum]

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

 

'I got a cookbook once,' said one, 'but I could never do anything with it.'

 

'Too much fancy work in it, eh?' asked the other.

 

'You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way --

'Take a clean dish...''

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

A man walks into the New York City bank and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he was going on some business for 2 weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.
So the man hands over the keys and the documents of the new Ferrari car parked on the street in front of the bank.
The loan officer consults the president of the bank, produces all the required items and everything check out to be OK.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as a security for the loan.
The bank president and the loan officer had a good laugh for keeping a $750,000 Ferrari as security for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the banks underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later the man returns and pays $5000 and the interest which comes to it $15.41.
Seeing this, loan officer says, “Sir, we are very happy to have your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you are away, we checked you out and found out that you were a multi millionaire.
What puzzled us was why would you bother to borrow $5000?”
The man replies "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return".

[aum]

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare-line.

 

[aum]

The children were all lined up for their first confession when Little Johnny’s turn came.

 

The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy promptly replied, “Father, I threw a stone at Jimmy.”

 

“That was a very misguided thing to do, my son,” said the priest patiently.“

 

It wasn’t misguided at all,” said Little Johnny. “I hit him.”

 

[lurch234]