[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

[aum]

[aum]

Me:  (sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red)

        "I can't see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!"

 

Trainer:  "It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up."

 

 

Edited February 13, 2023 by aum

[aum]

Parents are expected to participate in their childrens education, and my friends were no exception. They gladly help their fifth-grade son, John, whenever hes stumped.

 

One day after school, John ran into the house waving a paper in the air. Hey, Mom, great news!

 

There were only three mistakes on my math homework, he announced. You made one, Dad made one and I made one!

 

[Disco Bob]

[Karlston]

My mom is diabetic. She eats Rockets to raise her sugar levels. I come to the pantry looking for something to snack on and find this.

[Disco Bob]

As a kid I use to watch the wizard of oz and wonder how someone could talk without having a brain ?.

 

 

Then I discovered Facebook !!!

[funkyy]

49 minutes ago, Disco Bob said:

As a kid I use to watch the wizard of oz and wonder how someone could talk without having a brain ?.

 

 

Then I discovered Facebook !!!

Uncle "Donald" seems to have managed to do it.

[ducky88]

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.
"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I'm just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle," said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The boy said, "You got a deal."
The preacher took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's 'cause you have to cuss at it to get it started."
The preacher said, "I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't know if I even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"

[Karlston]

What would happen if Dinosaurs are ever cloned in the future

[aum]

“I bet you don’t know what day this is”, said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door.

 

The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker: “Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!’?”

 

With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.

 

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses.

 

At 1 PM, a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived.

 

Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home.

 

The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered from what could have been a very bad situation.

 

His wife was indeed surprised: “First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!”

 

She exclaimed, “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”

 

[aum]

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans.

He loved them, but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to him.

 

Then one day he met a girl and fell in love.

When it became apparent that they would get married, he thought to himself.

“She is such a sweet gentle girl, who would never go for this kind of carrying on.”

So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up the beans.

 

Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work.

Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home.

On his way home, he passed a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than he could stand.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured that he could work off any ill effects from the beans by the time he reached home.

So he stopped at the diner and before he knew it, he had consumed three large orders of baked beans and a pint of fresh buttermilk.

All the way home he fizzed and fuzzed and rattled and put-putted.

 

Upon arriving at home, he felt reasonably sure that he could control his gas.

His wife seemed somewhat agitated and excited to see him and exclaimed delicately,

“Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”

She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the table.

He seated himself, and she was just about to remove the blindfold when the phone rang.

She made him promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned.

She then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans that he had consumed were still affecting him and the pressure was almost unbearable.

So while his wife was out of the room, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight on to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud and rattling, but it also smelled like a fertilizer truck

running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

He took his napkin and fanned vigorously at the stale air around him.

Shifting to the other cheek, he ripped off three more which reminded him of cabbage cooking.

Keeping his ear tuned to the conversation in the other room, he went on like this for ten delightful minutes!

When the phone farewells signaled the end of his freedom, he fanned the air a few more times with his napkin, placed it in his lap and folded his hands upon it, and smiled contently to himself.

 

His was the picture of innocence when his wife returned.

Apologizing for taking so long she asked him if he peeked, which he assured her that he had not.

At that point, she removed the blindfold and was he surprised!

 

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish him a Happy Birthday!

[aum]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic’s shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far away and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had the problem of how to carry all of his purchases home.

 

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”

The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.”

The old lady suggested, “Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”

“Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

 

On the way he says “Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?”

The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”

 

The old lady replied,

“Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”

 

[aum]

Jack was sitting at a bar. He was totally depressed. The bartender, serving him a drink, asked what was wrong.

 

“I’ll never understand women.” – said Jack.

 

“The other night on my birthday, my wife said as my gift, I could do with her what I wanted.”

 

“Wow! That’s quite some gift.” – said the bartender.

 

“So why are you so dejected?”

 

“Well I thought about it for a while” said Jack, “and decided to send her home to her mother, and now she won’t even speak to me!”

[aum]

[aum]

A couple had two little boys who were always getting into trouble.

 

Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their village, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that an elder in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her sons. The elder agreed, but asked to see them separately.

 

So, the mother sent her youngest son first, in the morning. The elder, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response. So the elder repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer. The elder raised his voice and bellowed, "Where is God?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him.

 

When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, "What happened?"

 

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time. God is missing, and they think we did it!"

 

 

[ducky88]

After a visit to the whore house,
a man notices green lumps on his willy,
So he goes to the doctor.
“That’s serious” says the doctor.
“You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”
“Yes” says the man seriously.
“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”

[aum]

An elderly priest was speaking to a younger priest. "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm!

 

The front of the church always fills first now."

 

As the young priest nodded, the old priest continued, “You also told me to assign a little more beat to the music because it would bring young people back to church. So, I supported you when you bought in that rock ‘n’ roll Gospel choir.

 

Now, our services are consistently packed.“

 

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

 

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest. "But, I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

 

"But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions and donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

 

"Yes," replied, the elderly priest. "I appreciate that, but the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot 'n’ Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof!"

 

[Karlston]

How to fix a broken car in Australia

[aum]

Got home from work today to find my kids have been on eBay all day.

 

If they are still there tomorrow I will lower the price.

 

[aum]

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

 

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

 

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

 

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

 

But the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

 

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?"

 

[aum]

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

 

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

 

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

 

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

 

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

 

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

 

"Sensible" says Jeff.

 

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

 

"And what happened then?"

 

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

 

"I kicked her in the face."

[aum]

Edited February 21, 2023 by aum

[aum]

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