[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

Tried to read the dictionary in bed last night.

Didn't finish it.

Got up to 'P'.

 

[aum]

[aum]

Edited January 15, 2023 by aum

[aum]

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[Karlston]

The local beaver has retaliated after his dam was removed

[aum]

 

[pc71520]

Teacher: Why are you late for school?

Student: Because of a sign down the road.

Teacher: What does the sign have to do with you being late?

Student: The sign said, “School Ahead, Go Slow!”

Edited January 16, 2023 by Karlston
Improve readibility with dark theme

[aum]

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

 

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

 

The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

 

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

 

Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me."

 

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."

 

[aum]

If you’re feeling down, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed.

 

It’ll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

[aum]

"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

 

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

 

[Karlston]

The restrooms at my local pizzeria

[ducky88]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin'! There's no paper on this side either!"

 

[pc71520]

What did the Great White Shark say

to the Cliff Jumper?

 

Don't worry. I'll catch you! 

Edited January 17, 2023 by Karlston
Improve readibility with dark theme

[aum]

"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Traci, the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."

"Good, what are we having for breakfast?" asked Dewey, the new husband.

"Toast and juice," Traci replied.

 

[aum]

While preaching about forgiving ones enemies, the preacher asked for a show of hands of those who were willing to forgive their enemies.

About half of the congregation raised their hands.

The minister continued his lection and again asked for a show of hands.

This time, 80 percent of his congregation raised their hands.

Not giving up, the minister continued for fifteen more minutes. When he again asked for a show of hands, all members—except one—raised their hands."

 

Mr. Jones,” asked the minster, “are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

 

"I don't have any.”

 

Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. I know you are 86-years-old. Would you please come down to the front and explain to all of us how you have lived so long without making a single enemy in the world?”

 

Mr. Jones teetered to the front and briefly explained, “Its easy. Ive outlived every one of them.”

 

[aum]

Five blondes go into a bar and one of them says to the bartender, "A round of drinks for me and my friends."

 

They get their drinks and the raise their glasses to a toast of, "To 51 days!" and they drink.

 

The "head blonde" asks the bartender to set them up again.

 

Again, the blondes toast "To 51 days!" and they drink. After they order a third round, the bartender says that he has to ask what the toast means.

 

The head blonde says, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. On the box it said, "two to four years" and we finished it in 51 days".

 

 

[Karlston]

I hope he gets enough to go

[pc71520]

[aum]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem.

The woman kept complaining about every little detail and making the trip unbearable.

But a few days before their vacation ended, a tragic accident ended the woman’s life.

The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.”

The husband thought about it for a few seconds, then told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.

 

“Why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here in Jerusalem, and it would only cost $150?!” the undertaker asked, taken aback.

 

The husband replied, “Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!”

[aum]

At a jewellery store, an old man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend.

 

Don’t you want her name engraved upon it?” asked the jeweler.

 

The Old man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic steadfastly replied,

“No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love.

That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again.”

[aum]

After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away.

They agree and the pastor greets the family.

“Pastor,” Johnny says,

“I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust.”

“That’s right, Johnny, I did say that.”

” And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust.

“Yes, I’m glad you were listening. Why do you ask?”

“Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed, ‘because there’s someone either coming’ or going’!”

[Karlston]

I guess that pillow wasn’t machine washable