Karlston Posted January 4, 2023 Share Posted January 4, 2023 Best picture for McDonald’s ad ducky88, funkyy, danielson and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pc71520 Posted January 5, 2023 Share Posted January 5, 2023 Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Some time in the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson up and said, “Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes asked, “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson replied, “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.” Holmes said, “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.” ducky88, Karlston and aum 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 5, 2023 Share Posted January 5, 2023 I hate it when job interviewers ask "what is your greatest strength," so I printed up these business cards to just hand out when asked aum, pc71520 and ducky88 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 5, 2023 Share Posted January 5, 2023 A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades? The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another. After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What did you do with the boat ? Karlston, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 Fella buys a talkin centipede for £5000 & takes it home in small box. After 30 mins he opens the box & says "Would you like to go for a pint" The centipede doesn't answer. Raising his voice he repeats the question, still no reply. Getting angry, thinking he's been done, he shouts the question loudly. At which the centipede sticks his head out of his box & says "I heard you the 1st time, I'm putting my shoes on" Karlston, leapinlizards, aum and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pc71520 Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 What do Lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits. Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly that she'd just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes. "The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to send them." "Why not?" asked her friend. "Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell." "Hm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't bring this up, but. . . he didn't mention anything about including matches in the package, did he?" leapinlizards, pc71520, Karlston and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news: “There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.” Visibly shaken, the wife stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself – and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know. She met the Fortune Teller’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked: "Will I be acquitted?” kaloo1995, Karlston, ducky88 and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pc71520 Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 I only seem to get sick on Weekdays. I must have a Weekend Immune System. Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 Golf balls are like eggs. They are both white, sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to go out and buy more. ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 ducky88, Karlston and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 funkyy, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 One of the potatoes hatched aum and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 (edited) Edited January 7, 2023 by aum Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 (edited) Edited January 7, 2023 by aum Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 Karlston, ducky88 and pc71520 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted January 8, 2023 Share Posted January 8, 2023 The doctor was doing the rounds in the mental asylum. He asked the first patient why he thought he was the Pope. He answered that God had told him that he was. "I bloody did not", replied the patient in the next bed. aum, pc71520 and Karlston 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pc71520 Posted January 8, 2023 Share Posted January 8, 2023 I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch them with a six-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are! ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 8, 2023 Share Posted January 8, 2023 My mate recently got divorced from his wife. They decided to split the house. He got the outside. ducky88, funkyy and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 8, 2023 Share Posted January 8, 2023 Q: Why do pagan girls make the best wives? A: Because they will worship the ground you walk on. ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 8, 2023 Share Posted January 8, 2023 The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you. Karlston, ducky88 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 8, 2023 Share Posted January 8, 2023 We accidentally burnt a tortilla and it looks horrified aum and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dce3480 Posted January 9, 2023 Share Posted January 9, 2023 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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