pc71520 Posted January 1, 2023 Share Posted January 1, 2023 Why did the Jane start making Breakfast at 23:59 on December 31? Beacuse, she wanted a New Year's Toast. Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 1, 2023 Share Posted January 1, 2023 There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope." As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" The old man muttered, "Ain't my dog." ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 1, 2023 Share Posted January 1, 2023 "A Priest, Please!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St. Mary's Catholic Church on Third Avenue, and every Friday night I listen to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man. "The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured man, and says in a solemn voice: "B - 4. I - 19. N - 38. G - 54. O - 72." Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 1, 2023 Share Posted January 1, 2023 A good-looking guy is sitting in a bar, sipping a whiskey. He notices a gorgeous woman at the end of the bar, talking with a friend. He calls over a waiter, and sends them both a martini, along with a note asking for the gorgeous woman's phone number. Ten minutes later, the friend walks over with a note. It reads: "Unless you have a Mercedes parked outside, a million bucks in the bank, and eight inches in your pants, you're not getting anything from me." The man finishes his whiskey, considering his response. He then writes this down on a piece of paper, hands it to the friend, and walks out: "Actually, I only have about $300k in the bank; most of my net worth is in the three dozen buildings I own downtown. And today, I'm driving the Porsche; the Benz, Hummer, and Lamborghini are currently at my summer residence. But If you think I'm cutting off two inches for you, you can f**k right off." ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 1, 2023 Share Posted January 1, 2023 aum, ducky88 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 2, 2023 Share Posted January 2, 2023 This year I made my New Year's Resolution... To finish everything I sta... ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 2, 2023 Share Posted January 2, 2023 Once there was an old rich man who was afraid of dying and leaving all his wealth behind on earth. So, he took up the matter with God. He pleaded day and night to be able to take all his earthly possessions with him. Finally, God conceded. He said the man could take as much as he could fit in one suitcase. The old man immediately went out, bought a huge suitcase, sold all he owned and filled the suitcase with gold bars. Shortly after that, the old man died. Awkwardly dragging the big, heavy suitcase, he approached St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter stopped him, asked him to open his luggage, and then told him he couldn't bring his gold bars into Heaven. The man was irate. "You don't understand," he said. "I got permission directly from God himself for this. He told me whatever I could fit into one suitcase, I could bring with me. "St. Peter, shrugged his shoulders and simply said, "Fine with me. But we've already got plenty of pavement here." ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 2, 2023 Share Posted January 2, 2023 An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears. "Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here." "Calm down. How long have you been like this?" "Like what?" ducky88, leapinlizards, funkyy and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pc71520 Posted January 2, 2023 Share Posted January 2, 2023 On this New Year, I will consider taking up a New Hobby such as Procrastination. Or maybe, later... ducky88, Karlston, aum and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 2, 2023 Share Posted January 2, 2023 4 hours ago, pc71520 said: such as Procrastination. The Procrastinators' Creed Never put off until tomorrow, what you can put off until the day after tomorrow. leapinlizards, ducky88, aum and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 2, 2023 Share Posted January 2, 2023 We got given a toilet light but it’s stuck on red which is the most terrifying colour to have glowing from your toilet aum, ducky88, leapinlizards and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 2, 2023 Share Posted January 2, 2023 syd5237 and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pc71520 Posted January 3, 2023 Share Posted January 3, 2023 A Teenage Girl brings her new Boyfriend home to meet her Parents who are appalled by his Haircut, Tattoos, and Piercings. When the Boyfriend left from their home, the girl’s Mom said to her, “I'm sorry my dear, but he doesn’t seem to be a nice guy !!!” “Oh, please, Mom!” said the Daughter, “If he wasn’t a nice guy, would he be doing 1000 hours of Community Service?” Karlston, ducky88 and aum 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 3, 2023 Share Posted January 3, 2023 A dad walks into a market with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman pulls the boy’s pants down, carefully takes hold of his testicles, and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly! After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her profusely, saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?” ” No,” she says, “Divorce attorney.” pc71520 and ducky88 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 3, 2023 Share Posted January 3, 2023 Karlston, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 3, 2023 Share Posted January 3, 2023 ducky88, Karlston and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 3, 2023 Share Posted January 3, 2023 ducky88, funkyy and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 3, 2023 Share Posted January 3, 2023 funkyy and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 3, 2023 Share Posted January 3, 2023 I forgot my headphones at my in-laws. 'no problem, we found them!' this is what they mailed: aum, ducky88 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted January 4, 2023 Share Posted January 4, 2023 A professor stands before a philosophy class and picks up an empty jar, he then proceeds to fill the jar with golf balls, then asks the students if they think the jar is full. They all agreed that it was. The professor then picks up some fine pebbles, and pours them into the jar.. shakes the jar and the pebbles roll into the open areas between the golf balls. He again asks the students think the jar is full now, they all agreed it was. The professor picks up a box of sand and pours it into the jar, he once more asks if the jar is full, and they all agreed it was. He then picks up two cans of beer, and pours them into the jar.. ”Now says the professor, I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life, the golf balls are the important things... your family and friends and your children. If everything else were lost, your life would still be full. “The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job your house and your car... The sand is everything else, the small things, if you fill the jar with sand first, there's no room for the pebbles or golf balls. And remember no matter how full your life might seem, There's always room for a couple of beers!” Karlston, aum and ultrahub 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pc71520 Posted January 4, 2023 Share Posted January 4, 2023 How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya! ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 4, 2023 Share Posted January 4, 2023 The definition of a "gimme" in golf can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers. Neither of whom can putt very well. ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 4, 2023 Share Posted January 4, 2023 A 5-year-old said grace at a family dinner one night. “Dear God, thank you for these pancakes.” When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said, “I thought I’d see if he was paying attention tonight.” Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 4, 2023 Share Posted January 4, 2023 During work stoppages on the great Egyptian canal, the workers grew Suez-idle. ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 4, 2023 Share Posted January 4, 2023 An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards." Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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