aum Posted August 12, 2022 Share Posted August 12, 2022 A girl walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts. The guy says, "No, ma'am." She says, "Well, do you have any dates?" And he says, "Ma'am, if I don't have nuts, do you really expect me to have dates?" lurch234, ducky88, leapinlizards and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 12, 2022 Share Posted August 12, 2022 A husband in his backyard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, ‘You need a piece of tail.’ The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, ‘Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.’ leapinlizards, lurch234, Karlston and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted August 12, 2022 Share Posted August 12, 2022 My husband was so excited about his custom card ducky88 and aum 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted August 12, 2022 Share Posted August 12, 2022 ducky88, funkyy, lurch234 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rainmaker Posted August 12, 2022 Share Posted August 12, 2022 // R Karlston, ducky88, lurch234 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 13, 2022 Share Posted August 13, 2022 An old Fiat breaks down on a remote road. The driver discovers he has no signal so he can’t call for help. He decides that the only thing for it is to start walking. Just as he is heading off, a shiny new BMW stops next to him. “Hello, are you having car trouble?” The driver asks. “I’m afraid so.” The driver of the Fiat answers. “Tell you what, my car is strong enough, I’ll tow you to the nearest garage!” Says the BMW driver. The Fiat driver is overjoyed at this, and together they couple the little hatchback to the BMW using a rope. As the BMW driver gets in, the Fiat driver asks him something. “This is an old car, so please drive carefully.” The BMW driver nods his head. “Just honk if I’m going too fast!”. With that, he gets in and they drive away. They drive for a while when suddenly a Porsche races by them. The BMW driver doesn’t like this blow to his ego, so forgetting that he has a car in tow starts chasing the Porsche. As they race down the road, they pass a farm. The farmer looks at the spectacle and walks inside. “What’s the matter with you? You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” his wife says. The farmer replies: “I just saw a BMW and Porsche racing, and an old Fiat honking to get past” leapinlizards, ducky88, funkyy and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted August 13, 2022 Share Posted August 13, 2022 I didn't want to wake my partner up this morning so I got dressed in the dark. Yay rest of the day! black1, funkyy, ducky88 and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurch234 Posted August 13, 2022 Share Posted August 13, 2022 A Japanese, German and American engineers are playing golf. A phone rings. The German engineer puts his index finger to his ear and his pinky next to his mouth and has a conversation. "What the hell is that?" the other two ask. "Oh. We Germans have reached a stage of miniaturization so that we have two implants for a phone in our hand. Another phone rings! The Japanese guy turns to his right shoulder and also has a conversation. "What the hell is that?" the other two ask. "Oh. We Japanese have reached a stage of miniaturization so that we need only 'one' implant in the shoulder for a phone. The American, not willing to be undone, excuses himself to the restroom and stuffs toilet paper in his pants so that it trails behind him. Going back to the other engineers they say, "Hey! You have toilet paper sticking out of your ass." "No its not" The American replies. "I'm receiving a fax!" ducky88, aum, Karlston and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted August 14, 2022 Share Posted August 14, 2022 Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 71 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!' Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' and ran off . And that's when I shot him ............. the little *******. aum and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted August 14, 2022 Share Posted August 14, 2022 ducky88, aum, TrojanK and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted August 14, 2022 Share Posted August 14, 2022 The local restaurant monkey and my wife meet Homer Simpsom, ducky88, leapinlizards and 3 others 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted August 15, 2022 Share Posted August 15, 2022 Somewhere in Newfoundland ducky88, lurch234, leapinlizards and 3 others 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted August 15, 2022 Share Posted August 15, 2022 When I was young I was a poor golfer. But after years of play and practice, I am no longer young. lurch234, leapinlizards, aum and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 16, 2022 Share Posted August 16, 2022 A man was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the life imprisonment. His brother found out that an Irish man was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the Irish man that he would be paid £10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter. The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter. After the trial, the brother went to the Irish man's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the £10,000. The Irish man replied, "It wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him off." funkyy, Karlston, leapinlizards and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 16, 2022 Share Posted August 16, 2022 A woman taking golf lessons had just started her first round when she was stung by a bee. Distraught, she went back into the clubhouse and told her golf teacher about the incident. "Where did it sting you?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole," she replied. He shook his head and said: "That’s your problem right there. You had your feet too far apart!" lurch234, Karlston, leapinlizards and 3 others 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted August 16, 2022 Share Posted August 16, 2022 Advertisement at my local motorbike repair shop. aum, funkyy, lurch234 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted August 16, 2022 Share Posted August 16, 2022 Someone sent me this muppet pic to insult me and it just cracked me up instead funkyy, ducky88 and aum 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 17, 2022 Share Posted August 17, 2022 I got a big envelope in the mail that had written on the front, "Photographs: Do Not Bend." Underneath the mailman wrote, "Oh, yes they do." funkyy, ducky88, scarabou and 3 others 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 17, 2022 Share Posted August 17, 2022 What did the drummer call his twin daughters? - Anna one, Anna two... funkyy, Disco Bob, ducky88 and 3 others 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted August 17, 2022 Share Posted August 17, 2022 I asked my sister how she's getting on with her new puppy ... this was the reply funkyy, ducky88, Disco Bob and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurch234 Posted August 17, 2022 Share Posted August 17, 2022 How deep is the frog pond? Knee deep Knee deep! ducky88, Karlston, scarabou and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted August 18, 2022 Share Posted August 18, 2022 The older I get, the more I have in common with computers. We both start out with lots of memory and drive then we become outdated, crash unexpectedly and eventually have to have parts replaced. Karlston, lurch234, aum and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted August 18, 2022 Share Posted August 18, 2022 Tom and Jim go into business together. Tom has the money and Jim has the brains. The night before a huge meeting Jim has a heart attack and dies. Without Jim, the business is sunk. In a state of panic, Tom goes to a fortune teller for help. Tom enters the dimly lit room and sits down across the table from the fortune teller. There is a sign on the wall with 3 prices... 25, 50 and 75 pounds. He asks, "What do I get for £25?" "You can speak to the dead," replies the fortune teller. "That's no good. What about £50?" "For £50 you speak to your friend and he will reply." "That's it! That's exactly what I need!" exclaimed Tom. "Just curious, what does 75 quid get you?" "For £75, you speak to your friend and he will reply." "That's the same thing," said Tom. "Yes," the fortune teller answered, "But this time, he will answer while I drink a glass of water." vitorio, funkyy, ducky88 and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vitorio Posted August 18, 2022 Share Posted August 18, 2022 You have to pay for the ventriculous abilities of the Fortune Teller. ducky88 and aum 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted August 18, 2022 Share Posted August 18, 2022 Whilst on holiday, my sister asked for an update picture of her two cats. This is what she got... aum, ducky88, leapinlizards and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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