[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

A man of eighty-one yells with joy as the nurse comes in and tells him that his twenty-year-old bride just gave birth to a baby. The man muses, "I wonder if I could do it again."

Another expectant father answers, "What makes you think you did it the first time?"

 

[Karlston]

[leapinlizards]

Hey guys/gals;

thx for the jokes in a stressful time.

please keep them coming.

cheers!

[ducky88]

A little lad hardly five years old was sad because he had to tell his Mum that he could not go to toilet number 2 and had the tummy ache
Mum said - "Never mind love, go try again"
He was gone a long time and she became worried and knocked on the door
"May Mummy come in Love"
"Sure - it is not working"
she went in and there he sat - slapping himself on the head - just too hard
She wanted to cry and said "please darlin' don't do that you will hurt yourself"
he said.............................
"Well it does work with the sauce bottle when Daddy belts it"

[aum]

It was my wedding day, and no one was happier than my 78-year-old mother.

 

But as she approached the church doors, an usher asked, “Which side are you on?”

“Oh, no,” she said. “Are they fighting already?”
 

[aum]

Your lips are so chapped, I can hear you smile.
 

[aum]

[aum]

[aum]

[aum]

[Karlston]

Very specific.

[Karlston]

Wifi names in my apartment complex.

[aum]

After receiving a beautiful haircut, a doctor asks the barber, “How much do I owe you?” “Oh, I never charge a doctor,” the barber replies. “You all do such good, important work.” The next morning, the barber arrives at his shop and finds a thank you note and a bottle of wine on his doorstep from the doctor.

 

Later that day, a police officer walks into the same barbershop. After a beautiful haircut, the police office asks the barber, “How much do I owe you?” “Oh, I never charge a police officer,” the barber replies. “You all do such good, important work.” The next morning, the barber arrives at his shop and finds a thank you note and a box of candy on his doorstep from the police officer.

 

Later that day, a priest walks into the same barbershop. After a beautiful haircut, the priest asks the barber, “How much do I owe you?” “Oh, I never charge a priest,” the barber replies. “You all do such good, important work."

 

The next morning, the barber arrives at his shop and finds twelve priests on his doorstep.
 

[aum]

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall.

 

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
 

[Karlston]

My coworker decided to prank us, so we exacted our revenge

[Karlston]

First prize winner at my local county fair. The sheer amount of adults this had to slip by blows my mind.

[ducky88]

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,

'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat *******, I was talking to the cat!'

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

Last week at the grocery store, I saw a man slipping celery into other people's shopping carts.

I believe he was a stalker.
 

[aum]

[aum]

[aum]

[aum]

[aum]

[aum]

 

Edited August 5, 2022 by aum