aum Posted July 8, 2022 Share Posted July 8, 2022 Why was school so much easier for cave people? Because they had no history to study! Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Disco Bob Posted July 8, 2022 Share Posted July 8, 2022 (edited) Told the wife I was gonna start smoking weed and she said if I did she would leave me.... Proof right there that weed gets rid of chronic pains !!!!! Old Chinese proverb Man with hole in pocket will feel cocky all day Edited July 8, 2022 by Disco Bob Karlston, aum and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Disco Bob Posted July 8, 2022 Share Posted July 8, 2022 I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on there moustache... Then suddenly shes not your friend anymore! aum, leapinlizards, ducky88 and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted July 8, 2022 Share Posted July 8, 2022 Disco Bob, lurch234, ducky88 and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted July 8, 2022 Share Posted July 8, 2022 You can change a hotel TVs welcome message aum and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted July 9, 2022 Share Posted July 9, 2022 No nursing home for us. We'll be checking into a Holiday Inn! With the average cost for a nursing home care costing £188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble. I've already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's £59.23 per night. Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon. That leaves £128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. £5 worth of tips a day and you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. There's a bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Scotland ? They have Holiday Inn there too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker. If you fall and break a hip, NHS will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more could I ask for? So, when I reach that golden age, I'll face it with a grin. aum, vitorio and Karlston 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted July 9, 2022 Share Posted July 9, 2022 Disco Bob and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted July 9, 2022 Share Posted July 9, 2022 ducky88, Homer Simpsom and aum 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 10, 2022 Share Posted July 10, 2022 A man walks into his doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I've eaten something that disagrees with me." A voice from the man's stomach says, "No, you haven't." funkyy, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 10, 2022 Share Posted July 10, 2022 A wealthy man and his wife are going to a function, so they decide to give the butler the night off. However, a couple of hours later the wife was bored, so she leaves the party and goes home, only to find the butler sitting alone at the table. She orders the butler upstairs to her bedroom, where she locks the door. "Jeeves," she commands, "take off my hat." Jeeves promptly obeys. "Now, Jeeves," she says, "take off my dress." He obeys. "Now, Jeeves, please remove my underwear." Breaking into a nervous sweat, Jeeves complies. "Now Jeeves," the wife says, "if I should ever catch you wearing my clothes again..." Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 10, 2022 Share Posted July 10, 2022 I met a nice girl at a bar last night and asked her to call me when she made it home. She must be homeless. Karlston, TrojanK, Disco Bob and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted July 10, 2022 Share Posted July 10, 2022 My boss would fire me for telling lies 😂 ducky88 and aum 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted July 10, 2022 Share Posted July 10, 2022 Well played, Target. aum and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted July 11, 2022 Share Posted July 11, 2022 Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool , Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?' aum, byntf and Homer Simpsom 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 11, 2022 Share Posted July 11, 2022 There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!" TrojanK, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 11, 2022 Share Posted July 11, 2022 A cheating husband decided to write this letter to his wife: “You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54-year-old, can no longer satisfy. I’m very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn. Please don’t be upset, I shall be back before midnight.” When the man came home late that night, he found a reply to his letter on the dining room table: “My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. I would like to inform you that, while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also an assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and, like your secretary, he is 18. You, being a successful businessman with excellent knowledge of math, will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference — 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18! Karlston, funkyy, Homer Simpsom and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted July 11, 2022 Share Posted July 11, 2022 Taco truck at the cannabis shop yesterday 😀 marketing genius! aum and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted July 11, 2022 Share Posted July 11, 2022 ducky88, funkyy, aum and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 12, 2022 Share Posted July 12, 2022 A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River." Karlston, Homer Simpsom, leapinlizards and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 12, 2022 Share Posted July 12, 2022 Somehow a dog gets lost in an African jungle. As he is finding his way a lion spots him. The Lion thinks since the dog is so small he will be easy pray. When the dog sees the lion he gets extremely scared and starts to run but he sees some bones and gets an idea. As the lion approaches he says “Mmmm, that was some good lion.” The Lion immediately realizes this dog is a lot tougher than he thought and runs off. But there was a monkey in a tree watching the whole time. The monkey decides if he tells the lion what had happened the lion might reward him. So he tells the lion and the lion tells him to get on his back so they can share the dog. As the lion and monkey find the dog, the dog spots them as well. he dog begins to run but has another idea. “Where is that monkey? I told him to bring me another Lion hours ago!” ducky88, Karlston, leapinlizards and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andy2004 Posted July 12, 2022 Share Posted July 12, 2022 (edited) Joke of the day.. Being told on the day.. that your mobile phone prices are rising.. that due to a network error they didnt tell you sooner. Quote "We're letting you know that from 12/07/2022 our standard Pay as you go rates in the UK will increase to 35p a min, 15p a text and 10p per mb of data. We're sorry that due to a technical error, we didn't let you know sooner." recieved today 12/07/22 @ 16:36 talk about a fecking price hike.. i signed up to the 321 deal.. 3p per min. 2p text and 1p per mb which changed not that long ago to 10p per min. and now 35p a min.. trebling the price.. Edited July 12, 2022 by andy2004 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted July 12, 2022 Share Posted July 12, 2022 aum, ducky88 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted July 12, 2022 Share Posted July 12, 2022 My coworker’s revenge for the city putting a speed hump in front of her house and a sign in her yard. aum and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted July 13, 2022 Share Posted July 13, 2022 A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives. "Look," he said. "My regular customers won’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won’t even be used. The first day was fine but on the second day a coloured guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350". The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament. "Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her. She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes "!!!! she said " He's got one hanging there"....! The boss said "Go back in and give him $3-50......................He's the Window cleaner"!!!!!!! Karlston and aum 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted July 13, 2022 Share Posted July 13, 2022 Lady (to her doctor): "What l am worried about is my height and not my weight." Doctor: "How come?" Lady: "According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches." Archimede, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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