[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

Don't forget to pay your developers...

[lurch234]

-Mommy. Am I adopted?-

 

-Of course not. We would never have chosen you!-

 

[aum]

After a day of fishing at a nearby island, Bob was on his way home. No sooner had he crossed the bridge to the mainland, that he saw a policeman following him with his lights flashing. Bob pulled over, like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?"
Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?"
"67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"

Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"

The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish catch, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" repeated Bob.
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"

Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"

Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"

[aum]

Three  buddies die in a car crash, they go to an orientation in Heaven.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!!'"

[Karlston]

Sandbox for tough kids.

 

 

[lurch234]

A black belt karate instructor enrolls in the army.

 

Kills himself making his first salute...

[lurch234]

If you don't make your payments to your exorcist, your house could be repossessed!

[aum]

Q. Why were Adam and Eve the happiest couple that's ever lived?

A. Because they didn't have in-laws!

[aum]

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

 

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.”

 

The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.”

 

St. Peter let her through the gate.

 

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and figuring heaven didn’t really need all the odors this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?”

 

But the trash man had just seen the movie, too, and he answered, “about 1,500.”

 

“That’s right! You may enter,” said Peter.

 

Then St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, “Name them.”

[Dce3480]

Edited July 7, 2022 by Dce3480

[Karlston]

[aum]

"What does your mother do for a headache?"

 

"She sends me out to play."
 

[aum]

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.

He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it.

 

As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

[Karlston]

[Rainmaker]

 

// R

[ducky88]

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around
the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

[aum]

An undertaker can be one of your best friends.

He'll be the last one to let you down.

 

[aum]

A man walks in his room after work and is surprised to find his wife lying naked on the bed.

 

After careful examination he spies a pair of bare feet sticking out from underneath the curtains. He rips open the blinds to find a naked man standing there.

'Who the hell are you?' he yells.

The naked guy replies 'I'm the moth inspector'

'Oh yeah! what are you doing naked?'

He looks down and exclaims 'Oh my god! I'm too late!'

[Karlston]

This restaurant review

[aum]

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas.

Since she came from a generation where people didn’t even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help.

Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

“Doctor,” she said, “I have a very bad gas problem.”
“A gas problem?” replied the doctor.
“Yes. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ah… silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you’ve got to help me! What can we do?”

“Well,” said the doctor thoughtfully, "I think the first thing we’re going to do is give you a hearing test.”

[Karlston]

I think I was scammed.

[ducky88]

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

[Karlston]

What I see every time I get an update on my phone

[aum]

The mayor of a Jewish village decided to create an additional room in their home.

 

His wife spoke to the general contractor for some time. They laughed and enjoyed what seemed like a long conversation.

 

Her husband asked what they were talking about. The woman introduced the two men and the general contractor returned to his work.

 

The husband asked, "Did you know each other?" The wife replied, "Yes, actually. We were engaged to be married when I was very young."

 

Her husband smiled and said. "Wow, I guess you should be happy you married me. I'm the mayor. If you had married him, you would have been married to a general contractor."

 

"No" she replied. "He would have been the mayor."

[Rainmaker]

 

// R