[JOTD] Joke of the day

[ducky88]

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through
her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and
a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job,
she's not for him

[aum]

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the Army.

"But wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too, won't she?"

"Sure," replied the man.

"Well? Won't they find out?"

"And who's gonna tell?"

[aum]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night,the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

 

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

 

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

 

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

 

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

[aum]

So Moses is up on Mount Sinai and he says to God, "God, do I have a pounding headache!"

 

And God says, "Here, take these two tablets."
 

[Karlston]

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

[aum]

I faint when I'm bored, because I can't stand the sight of blah.
 

[Karlston]

If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.

[ducky88]

 

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.
One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."
His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about 72, sitting a couple of stools down had also over-heard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to it!"

[aum]

Two nuns are running away from a bear, who is gaining on them.

 

“Do you think we’ll be able to outrun him, Sister?” one of the nuns asks the other.“

 

I don’t have to outrun him, Sister,” said the other nun. “I only have to outrun you.”
 

[Karlston]

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

 

He sold his soul to Santa.

[funkyy]

19 minutes ago, Karlston said:

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

 

He sold his soul to Santa.

Graffiti on a wall---Dyslexia Rules K.O.

[Karlston]

 

[aum]

An old station hand named Billy was overseeing his stock in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

 

The driver, a young man in a Bryony suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

 

Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers,

“Sure, why not?”

 

The yuppie parks his car whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

 

The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

 

He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

 

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to Billy and says,

“You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

 

“That’s right. Well, you’ll be helpin’ yourself to one of me animals, then, since you won it fair and square.” says Billy.

 

He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up and stuffs it into the boot of his car.

 

As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust and hair off his suit, Billy says, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do and where you come from, will you give me back my calf?”

 

The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says, “Okay, old fella, why not? I’m a believer in fair play.”

 

“You’re a politician & you work in Canberra.” says the old-timer.

 

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?”

 

“No guessing required.” answered Billy.

 

“You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollar’s worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

 

Now give me back my dog!” 

[Karlston]

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

 

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

 

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."

 

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"

 

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted! They're coming for Christmas – and they're paying their own way."

[aum]

An elderly couple who are both widowed have been courting for a long time.

 

They decide it's finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they go out to dinner and talk about how their marriage might work.

 

They discuss finances, living arrangements and so on.

 

Finally, the man broaches the subject of their physical relationship.

 

"How do you feel about sex?" he asks, rather tentatively.

 

"I would like it infrequently," replies the old lady.

 

The old gentleman sits quietly for a moment, adjusts his glasses, leans over towards her and whispers: "Is that one word or two?"

[ducky88]

A MAN AND WOMAN WERE MARRIED FOR MANY YEARS
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout , "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked:
"Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won't ask for directions."

[Karlston]

[aum]

A priest and a rabbi met at the annual July 4th picnic.

 

They were old friends and loved to tease one another.

 

"This baked ham is really good,” said the priest. “You really ought to break down and try some.”

 

"I will, I will,” replies the rabbi, smiling, “at your wedding.”

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

A traveling salesman is driving by a farm when he notices a 3 legged pig.
Not being in any particular rush, he decides to stop and ask the farmer about the pig.
The farmer says "There's an interesting story about that pig".
"One night, my wife and I were asleep when the house caught fire."
"The pig came in, woke us up, and saved our lives"
The traveling salesman says "So that's how He lost his leg."
The farmer says "Hell no. You don't eat a pig like that all at once!"

[aum]

After participating in a nutritional-health class, my 16 year-old daughter, Sarah, encouraged her sisters to try whole-grain breads and whole-wheat pasta, and complained if we were having anything that looked too processed.

At dinnertime one evening, she entered the kitchen, spied the food on the plates and boldly asked: "Are those whole-wheat potatoes?"

[aum]

A small zoo just outside Belfast obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Paddy O'Riley, a part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Paddy had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Paddy was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500.00?

Paddy showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Paddy said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "She must wear a "Ireland forever T-Shirt."

The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Fourth", Paddy said, "I want all the children raised as Catholics." Once again it was agreed.

"And last," Paddy said, "I'll need another week to come up with the £500.00."

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

Three men in a Navy recruiting office. An officer is sitting at a desk with a book and pen in front of him.
He calls the first man over. "Alright son, what's your name?"
"McCoy, Sir." The officer writes it in the book.
"Okay, McCoy, what did you do in Civvy Street?"
"I was a poof sir." The officer looks up in disgust.
"A poof! A flaming poof!"
"You don't understand sir, I worked in a glass factory, that was my job. To cool the glass off, I'd blow on it. POOF POOF."
"Alright McCoy. Go and wait over there." He points to the other side of the office and calls the next man.
"Alright son what's your name."
"McCoy sir."
"Are you related to him?"
"No sir."
"Okay McCoy what did you do in Civvy street?"
"I was a poof sir."
"A poof! a flaming poof!" The officer looks in disgust.
"No sir, you don't understand. That was my job, I worked in a Candle factory and to cool the wax, I blew on it POOF, POOF."
The officer directs him to stand with the first man. He calls the third man over.
"Okay Son, What's your name?"
"McCoy." He replies in a very calm tone.
"You related to either of those two?"
"No sir."
"Alright McCoy, what did you do in Civvy street?"
"I was a poof sir"
"Don't tell me, you worked in a Glass factory?"
"No sir."
"You worked in a candle factory?"
"No. I'm the real McCoy."

[aum]

Having been playing outside with his friends, a small boy came into the house and asked: “Grandma, what is it called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”

His grandma was surprised to hear such a forthright question from a six-year-old but decided to answer as honestly as she could. “Well,” she said hesitantly, “it’s called sexual intercourse.”

“Oh, okay,” said the boy and he ran outside to carry on playing with his friends.

A few minutes later, he came back in and said angrily: “Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called bunk beds.

 

And Jimmy’s mom would like a word with you!”