[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

[Dce3480]

Edited June 1, 2022 by Dce3480

[aum]

The missus was watching a cooking program the other day.

I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, "You watch porn!"

[aum]

An 8 year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take your kid to work Day'.

As they walked round the office she started crying and getting cranky.

Her father asked what was wrong.

As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"
 

[Karlston]

I just bought a new pair of shoes from a drug dealer.

 

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

[aum]

I accidentally sat on my phone.

Siri suggested several local gyms.

 

[aum]

The new associate pastor, nervous about hearing confessions asks an older priest to listen in.

 

Several penitents later, his mentor offers a few suggestions.“Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand,” he says. “Try saying things like, ‘I see, yes, go on. I understand. How did you feel about that?”

 

The new priest tries out the words and gestures.

 

The old priest says, “Good, now, don’t you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, ‘No way! You did what?'"
 

[aum]

Two English butchers, who hated each other, were doing business across the street from each other for ten years. For the full ten years they always competed for the other's business.

One butcher would put up a sign reading, "Sirloin: £2.50 a pound" and the other would put up a sign "Sirloin: £2 a pound." The first would put up a sign reading, "Whole pork loin: £1.85 a pound" and the second would, again, under-price him.

This went on for the full ten years; back and forth, back and forth. One day the first butcher got a bright idea. Instead of advertising his prices he placed a professionally painted sign reading, "The Queen buys all her meats here."

The next day another professionally painted sign appeared in the window of the butcher shop across the street which read, "God save the Queen."

 

[aum]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, 'Who was that?'

'Oh,' replies the husband, 'that was my mistress.'

The wife says, 'That's it; I want a divorce.'

'I understand,' replies her husband, 'but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours.'

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. 'Who's that woman with Jim? ' she asks.

'That's his mistress,' replies her husband.

'Ours is prettier,' says the wife.

[aum]

While a man was dying, his wife was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.

Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "I have something that I must confess," he said in a tired voice.

"There isn't anything to confess," replied his weeping wife. "Everything's ok. Go to sleep."

The man blurted out: "No, no, I must die in peace. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," whispered his wife, "that's why I poisoned you."

[aum]

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.

An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe ? You and me ?"

As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."

She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"
 

[aum]

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church.

 

Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough of his antics.

"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

[Karlston]

Half In migrated from China to Australia. Being an industrious man, he started a business which grew rapidly, and he sponsored his brother Half Out to migrate and help him run the business.

 

Well, the business kept growing so the brothers sponsored their cousin Half Up to migrate and do the business's books.

 

One day Half Up answered the phone and the caller wanted to speak to Half In. "I'm sorry, but Half In is out", said Half Up.

 

"Well, can I speak to Half Out please?"

 

"I'm sorry, but Half Out is not in either."

 

"Well, who am I speaking with?"

 

I'm Half Up, the secretary"

 

"Oh sorry, I'll call back later"

[ducky88]

 

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her
92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
‘Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw,
he could fly.'

 

[aum]

I read somewhere that it takes a village to raise a child.

Where is this village and is there a number you can call?
 

[aum]

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to piss anyone off."

[aum]

Two women were playing golf. On the third hole there was a foreman in front of them but about 175 yards down the fairway.

The first woman said I'll tee off he is far enough away. She hit the drive of her life, like a shot straight down the faraway. She screamed at the top of her lungs and as the men turned one was hit solidly.

 

He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs.

She ran to him, apologizing and saying "let me help I am a physical therapist." He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side. She unzipped his pants and began massaging him.

"How does that feel?" she asked.

 

He said, "Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[Karlston]

My girlfriend said I'm a cheapskate.

 

I don't buy that.

[ducky88]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.

He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

[aum]

A motorist was driving down the highway and all of a sudden he hit a sparrow.

He pulled over, picked the poor sparrow who was still alive, but unconscious. He decided to take him home.

When the motorist got home, he put the sparrow in a cage, leaving him some bread and water inside.

When the sparrow came back to life, he looked around and said, "Bars, bread, water.

 

Oh my God! I have killed the motorist!"
 

[aum]

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

 

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.It's the usual signs: phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up; my wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently - although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

 

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the street.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just don't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my boat next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.

 

It was at that moment, crouching behind my boat, that I noticed that the lower unit seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Worried sick in Ontario.

[aum]

It was a practical session in the psychology class.

The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it.

The rat was in the middle of the cage.

Then, the professor put a piece of cake on one side and put a female rat on the other side.

The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.

Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread.

The male rat again ran towards the bread.

This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time.

And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.

Professor asked the students.

“This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction, do you agree?”

Then, one of the students from the back rows said.

“Sir, why don’t you change the female rat? This one might be his wife!”

The professor stood straight up, his finger pointing towards the student and said, “You just got an A."

 

Edited June 3, 2022 by aum

[Karlston]

She says I keep pushing her buttons.

 

If that were true, I would have found mute by now.

[ducky88]

A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill.
The doctor checks him over and says,
'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320
Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,
'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line,
the full-house and the national game on the same card.
You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'
'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24 .'
'F**k me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well !!

[aum]

If you can show me a man with a comb over, I can show you a man who thinks that by crushing a bag of chips, you make more chips.