[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
This dyslexic man walks into a bra.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!

[aum]

A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming.

 

She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."

"Oh I'm sorry," responded the underclassman, "I didn't realize you were pregnant."
 

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

[andy2004]

623 is that per us gallon?..

 

[Karlston]

5 hours ago, andy2004 said:

623 is that per us gallon?..

 

I believe so. https://www.eia.gov/petroleum/gasdiesel/

 

I've heard that if you buy more than 10 gallons, you get a free car

 

[aum]

10 hours ago, Karlston said:

I've heard that if you buy more than 10 gallons, you get a free car

... only for nsaneforums members with proper pre-activation [and proper 'member' credentials of 99999 likes.]   

 

Edited May 26, 2022 by aum

[aum]

After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her.

 

Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

 

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

 

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

A little boy kills a butterfly.
Dad says, "No butter for one week!"
The little boy kills a honeybee.
Dad says, "No honey for one week!"

Mom kills a cockroach.

The little boy turns to his dad and says, "Are you gonna tell her or should i do it?

[aum]

A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

 

"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!"

 

[Karlston]

In the US, the spaces between runs on ladders has increased by 1 inch in the last 100 years, because Americans are getting taller.

 

Manufacturers claim it's due to climb it change.

[Rainmaker]

 

// R

[andy2004]

erm,, thats not a joke.. its a fact.. corn doesn't break down in the gut.. and it comes out the same as it goes in..

[ducky88]

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman'.

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and
the same sign 'Don't miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman.
'But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?
'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nay whit they used tae be!!!!!!!!!'

[aum]

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

 

The man answered" Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

 

The pharmacist said "That wont do you any good."

 

The elderly gentleman said "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old.

 

I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

 

 

[aum]

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform in bed anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says, "All you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets a massive erection.

His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?"

 

[Karlston]

Being cremated will be my last hope for a smoking hot body.

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

Grey hair is hereditary – you get it from your kids.

[ducky88]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman

who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?'

Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

 

[aum]

A Jesuit was out for a drive and crashed into another car, only to discover that the other driver was a Franciscan.

 

“It was my fault,” each insisted—as is only right and proper with religious men.

 

Concerned, the Jesuit said, “You look badly shaken up, Father. You could probably use a good stiff drink right now to calm down.”

 

He produced a flask and the Franciscan drank from it and said, “Thank you, Father; I feel much better now. But you’re probably shaken up too. Why don’t you have a drink as well?”

 

“I will,” the Jesuit replied, “but I think I’ll wait until after the police have come.”

[aum]

Son: "Dad, did you go to Church when you were little?"

Dad: "Yes son, every single Sunday."

Son: "I thought so. Bet it won't do me any good either."

[andy2004]

I use to go to sunday school for 2 hrs.. on a friday night at 7.