[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?

 

A rock guitarist plays 4 notes in front of 1000 people, while a jazz guitarist plays 1000 notes in front of 4 people.
 

[aum]

A little boy opened the big old family Bible and with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them.

 

Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!"
 

[Karlston]

[Rainmaker]

 

// R

[aum]

An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’

[aum]

For her husband’s birthday, the wife decides to accompany him to a strip club.

“Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” the doorman greets them as they enter the club.

His wife is perplexed and inquires if he has ever visited this club.

“Oh no,” Dave exclaims.

“He’s a member of my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he wants his normal drink and offers him a Budweiser.

“How could she know you drink Budweiser?” his wife asks, getting increasingly uncomfortable.

“Honey, she’s in the Ladies Bowling League, and we’re on the same lanes as them.”

“Hi Davey. Want your customary table dance, big boy?” says a stripper as she walks over to their table and wraps her arms around Dave.

Furious, Dave’s wife grabs her handbag and walks out of the club.

Dave is following her and notices her getting into a taxi.

He rushes in beside her before she can slam the door.

He tries desperately to explain why the stripper mistook him for someone else, but his wife isn’t buying it.

She’s yelling at him and calling him every name in the book.

“Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave,” the cabbie remarks, turning his head.

[Dce3480]

[Karlston]

Well, that was embarrassing.

 

I forgot where I parked my car. Then my wife reminded me that I was shopping online.

[ducky88]

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'

[aum]

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away.

 

Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.

He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."

"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."
 

[Rainmaker]

 

 

 

// R

[Karlston]

Maths puns are the first sine of madness.

[aum]

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: ”So, Seamus, how was your day?”

Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.

“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

“Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “Help Me! For five years I have not seen any man!”

“Thundering’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes.” !

 

 

[Rainmaker]

 

// R

[Karlston]

[aum]

The young fellow is about to marry and asks his grandfather how often a married couple should have sex.

His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, maybe several times a day; later on, maybe once a week. As you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year -- maybe on your anniversary."

The young fellow asks, "How about you and Grandma?"

His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have oral sex now. She goes into her bedroom and I go into my bedroom. She yells, 'F**k you,' and I holler back, 'F**k you, too!'"
 

[aum]

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.

 

When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!" he shrieked.

"You lawyers are so materialistic it's amazing!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"

"Oh no...." replied the lawyer, looking down and noticing for the first time the bloody stump where his left arm had once been.

"Where's my Rolex?"
 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.
But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy
"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a mir….
Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"

[aum]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years.”

The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I’ll give you back the other 10?”

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a 20-year life span.”

The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for 20 years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?”
And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years.”

The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I’ll give back the other 40?”

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you 20 years.”

But the human said, “Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back? That makes 80, okay?”

“Okay,” said God. “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[aum]

A girl is walking through a cemetery at night.

She’s a little nervous because it’s dark, but it’s the shortest way to get to her home.

Suddenly she hears a distinct tapping noise from the graves on her left. Her heart almost stops as she pauses mid-step. She hears it again – tap, tap, tap.

She screams and starts running down the path. After a while she stops to catch her breath. “This is silly” she thinks to herself “there must be a rational explanation.”

She slowly retraces her steps and walks towards the direction of the sound – tap, tap, tap.

There, sitting on a grave, is a gentle old man with a small hammer and chisel. He is tapping out an inscription on the tombstone.

“Phew! You scared me” the girl says, relieved upon seeing him. “What are you carving there?”

The old man turns to her and smiles. “I’m just correcting the spelling of my name”

[Karlston]

[aum]

Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane.

 

When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her head held high.

 

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this rushed up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"

"Gave me a longer cane."
 

[aum]

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

 

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.

After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

 

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.

When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
 

[aum]

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial”.

“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...”

The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.

“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means.”

He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!”

The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”