[JOTD] Joke of the day

[ducky88]

Paddy and Mick looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though.
Her clothes arrived yesterday!!

[Karlston]

If you say the word "gullible" really slowly, it sounds like "oranges".

[aum]

Two women are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.

They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then, the woman turns to the other and hands her a bill.

"Here’s that $20 I owe you," she says.

[Karlston]

A dog lover whose female dog was on heat reluctantly agreed to look after her neighbours male pooch for the weekend, as she owned a largish property and thought she would be able to keep the two canines apart.

 

However on Saturday night as she was getting into bed she heard some awful howling and moaning sounds coming up the stairs.

 

Quickly throwing on her dressing gown she rushed downstairs and found the two dogs locked together and unable to separate (as occasionally happens).

 

She tried a bucket of water and still could not get the dogs apart so frantic, she called her vet, who answered not unexpectedly in a rather grumpy tone.

 

She explained her "problem" and the vet said;

 

"Hang up your phone and place it on the floor next to the dogs, I will then call you back, the sound of the phone will cause the male dog to lose his erection enabling him to withdraw."

 

The neighbour thanked the vet profusely and asked "Do you really think that will work?"

 

Spoiler

"Just worked perfectly on me" replied the vet.

 

[aum]

The IRS is out of control.

Now that I'm older, they've even taxed my memory!

 

[ducky88]

An old man goes to the barbers for a shave, he tells the barber he won't be able to get every whisker due to the wrinkles in his skin, so the barber gives the old man a small wooden ball to put in his mouth, stretching his skin, he then proceeds to give the old man the best shave of his life, "that's great" says the old man "but what would have happened if I had swallowed the ball?" The barber replies "you just bring it back in a few days like everyone else does"!

[MagicSahar]

[aum]

An actress who suffered from an inferiority complex was complaining to her psychiatrist. "I'm a nothing!" she cried. "I can't sing. I can't remember my lines. I can't dance, I can't even act. I really don't belong in show business."

"Why don't you quit?" the doctor asked.

"I can't," moaned the actress. "I'm a Star!"


 

[aum]

A priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing.

 

The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he didn't think that he could have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day.

 

With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"

 

The Bishop said, "Yes, that would be nice."

 

The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"

[aum]

My home church welcomes all denominations, but really prefers tens and twenties.
 

[Karlston]

I passed a tow truck and the poor driver was crying his eyes out.

 

I thought "He's headed for a breakdown"

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.

The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.

At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?"

"Just snow," replied the stewardess.

"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."

[aum]

It’s a regular day at the hospital when a Blonde woman comes into the burn ward with both of her ears burnt.

The doctor in charge had never seen an injury quite like it. “How did you get both sides burnt like that?” He asked her.

She says, “well… when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone.”

“Well that explains one ear,” said the doctor, his eyebrows raised as high as they can get, “but what about the other ear??” “Well, I had to call an ambulance, didn’t I?”

[ducky88]

Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit van when suddenly Fiona (being a bit on the kinky side) yells out: "Oh, fat boy, whip me, whip me!"
Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits that, "Yes, I did."
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

[aum]

A well known womanizer with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood local and ordered a drink.

The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong.

"I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some cheesed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop screwing his wife."
"So stop," the barkeep said.

"I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The idiot didn't sign his name!"
 

[aum]

A balding man went into a barber’s shop and asked how much it would be for a haircut.

 

“Twenty-five dollars,” said the barber.

“Twenty-five dollars, that’s crazy!” exclaimed the man. “I’ve hardly got any hair. How can it be that expensive?”

The barber explained, “It’s $5 for the actual cut and $20 for the search fee.”
 

[aum]

An old codger goes to visit his doctor about painful peeing. His wife goes with him because the poor old bloke is hard of hearing.

After an examination the Doctor says to the old man, "Right, I'll need you to leave a urine, semen and feces samples for analysis."

The old man didn't quite hear the Doctor and asks his wife, "What did the Doctor say?"

The wife replies, "He wants you to leave your underpants here, dear."

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

Interviewer: "Congratulations on winning the lottery."

 

Farmer: "Thank you."

Interviewer: "Do you have any special plans for spending all of that money?"

Farmer: "Nope. Not really. I'm just gonna keep farming until the lottery money is all gone."
 

[aum]

Two convicted murderers, who were sentenced to die by lethal injection on the same day, were led to the room where they would meet their Maker. The last rites were performed by the priest, the formal speech was given by the warden and the final prayers were said by the participants. Turning to the first man to die, the warden solemnly asked, "Son, do you have any last request?"

"Yes sir, I do," replied the condemned man. "I love dance music. Could you please play 'The Macarena' for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please, I beg you," pleaded the second man. "Kill me first."

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.

2.We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

3.Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

4.Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

5.Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken,Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.