[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland.

Tips:

 

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder-width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down!
4. Avoid a quick backswing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet, please ... while others are preparing.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

 

Well done.

 

Spoiler

Now, flush the urinal, wash your hands, go outside and tee off.

[aum]

Oozing with mystery, the Ancient Greeks were Minoan for their seCrete societies.

 

[aum]

A fellow’s wife was very worried about her husband’s heavy drinking and one night she decided to give him a fright.

 

She draped herself in a white sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was in the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the pub. It was not long before he came staggering along, and out she jumped from behind a headstone.

“Ooooooo!” she wailed, “I am the devil!”

Her husband sticks out his hand. “Put it there, pal,” he says, “I’m married to your sister.”

 

[Karlston]

Bad things to hear over the PA...

 

Would the parents of the child who fell into the lion enclosure please come to Lost Property to collect their shoes

[ducky88]

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older than to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the top dog; some days you're the lamp post.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
14. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm "here after".
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

[aum]

First man: "I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller."

 

Second man: "I thought they just hired a new teller last week."

 

First man: "Right, that's the one they're looking for."

 

Edited May 5, 2022 by aum

[aum]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

 

He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question – and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

 

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

 

He called his wife for assistance and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

 

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

 

After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out.

 

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blowhard.

 

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

 

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

 

The young man insisted that it was nothing.

 

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows up?’

 

The father replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.

[Karlston]

A man approaches a very beautiful woman in the supermarket and says, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

 

“Why?” asked the beautiful woman.

 

To which the man replied, “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

[aum]

Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

 

One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife said, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said Ben, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

 

[aum]

A very poor old woman with a small family called a radio station asking for help from God.

 

A non-believer man who was also listening to this radio program decided to make fun of the woman.

 

He got her address, called his secretary and ordered her to buy a large number of foodstuffs and take them to the woman.

 

However, he sent it with the following instruction: “When the woman asks who sent the food, tell her that it’s from the devil.”

 

When the secretary arrived at the woman’s house, the woman was so happy and grateful for the help that had been received.

 

She started putting the food inside her small house.

 

The Secretary then asked her, ”Don’t you want to know who sent the food?”

 

The woman replied, "No, Say thanks to whoever sent this! I don’t care who the person is because when GOD orders, even the devil obeys”!

[Karlston]

Comment by pilot in an aircraft's maintenance log: 'Cockpit filthy; not fit for pigs.'

 

Post-maintenance response by tradesman: 'Cockpit cleaned; now fit for pigs.'

 

True story.

[ducky88]

National Orgasm Day
He turns to his wife in bed and whispers "Did you
know it's National Orgasm Day?"
"Oh, what a pity," she smiled, "Right in the middle of
National Headache Week !!

[aum]

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

 

So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.

[Karlston]

Comment by pilot in an aircraft's maintenance log: Number 3 engine missing

 

Maintenance: Engine located on right wing after brief search.

 

(The pilot-engineer jokes are here at Ha! Jokes True or not, they are hilarious.)

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many
years. Two days before the group is due to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down
and tells him he isn't going and that she's got something else planned.
Naturally, Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!
"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, actually, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?"
I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing only a see-through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. On her bedside table I saw the book '50 Shades of Grey'.
She had lit candles and sprinkled rose petals around and on the bed she had handcuffs and ropes!
Then she slipped off her nightie, laid on the bed and said,
"Okay tie me up, hand-cuff me to the bed, and do whatever you want."
"So, here I am!"

[aum]

The wife was telling me I need more exercise. I told her, "Well, I'll take up sports then.

 

"She laughed and said, "Why don't you just order the sports channel on cable? Shaking your fist at the TV and yelling at the games is more exercise than you'll get actually playing them."

 

Edited May 8, 2022 by aum

[aum]

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached Pastor Little Johnny with an unusual offer:

“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.”

He passed Little Johnny a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

 

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, Little Johnny the Pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:

“Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even

look at another woman, as long as you both shall live? ”

 

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice,

“Yes,”

then leaned toward Pastor Little Johnny and hissed:

“I thought we had a deal.”

 

Little Johnny put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered:

“She made me a better offer.”

[Karlston]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

 

"What are you doing?" she asked.

 

"Hunting flies" he responded.

 

"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.

 

"Yep, 3 males and 2 females," he replied.

 

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

 

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[ducky88]

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious.. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'
'What skill?' yelled Paddy.. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says:
'Yep, diesel fitter.'

[Karlston]

I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

 

I said, "A folding bottle."

 

She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"

 

"A Fottle."

 

"What else do you have?"

 

"I have also invented a folding carton."

 

Again she said "What do you call it?"

 

"A Farton."

 

She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds quite crude."

 

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

[aum]

When the glacier was asked for an opinion on global warming, it replied “I dunno, I've never really thawed about it.”

[aum]

What does your mother do for a headache?"

"She sends me out to play."

 

[aum]

A teacher says, “Okay, class. Today we’re going to be talking about the tenses. If I say ‘I’m beautiful,’ which tense is it?”

Little Johnny raises his hand and says, “Obviously past tense, Miss.”

 

[Karlston]

A woman of indeterminate hair colour pushes her flash harry motor car into a garage.

 

She tells the mechanic it just died on her.

 

After he works on it for a few minutes, it idles smoothly.

 

She says, "What's the story?"

 

He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor!"

 

She asks," And how often should I do that?"