[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

A fella was saying to his friend, "My wife seems to have developed some sort of fixation that her collection of fur coats will be stolen. When I came home early one day last week, I found she'd hired someone to *guard* them! In fact, she stationed the poor guy right inside the closet!"

 

Edited April 25, 2022 by aum

[aum]

My boss texted me, "Send me one of your funny jokes, Pete."

I replied, "I'm working at the moment, Sir, I will send you one later."

He replied, "That was fantastic, send me another one."

 

[Karlston]

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

 

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

 

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

 

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

 

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man: Correct

 

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct

 

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a new Ferrari?

 

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

 

Man: Where's your Ferrari?

[aum]

What’s the difference between USA and USB?

 

One connects to your devices and accesses all of your data.

The other is a hardware standard.

 

[Karlston]

Two nuns were driving through a Transylvanian forest when the road was blocked by a fearsome looking vampire.

 

“What do we do now?” the passenger asked.

 

“Get out and show him your Cross, that'll scare him off,” said the nun in the driving seat.

 

So the nun in the passenger seat stepped out onto the road, waggled her finger at him and said in her crossest voice: “Get out of our way, you horrible evil naughty bad vampire, or we'll be late for church!”

[ducky88]

God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.
The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on..
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over the lounge suite and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs,

he couldn’t control himself and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in heaven", said God........
The woman replied: " And they're not too happy about it in IKEA either!"

[andy2004]

https://i.postimg.cc/J7NFzshQ/20220427173321.jpg

 

Edited April 27, 2022 by andy2004

[aum]

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace.

 

What do you think it means?”

“You'll know tonight.” he said with a smile.

The woman could hardly think of anything else all day and she couldn't wait for her husband to return home.

That evening, the man finally came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it excitedly to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams”

 

[Karlston]

The Chief Financial Officer of the Holding Company, feeling it was time for a shakeup of a new acquisition, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

 

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

 

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

 

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

 

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

 

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[ducky88]

A 6 year old grandson that was shopping with his grandfather got lost in the shopping center.
The boy approached a uniformed security guard and said, “I’ve lost my grandad!”
The guard asked, “What’s his name?” The boy replied, “Grandad.”
The guard smiles, then asks “What’s he like?”
To which the little tyke hesitated for a moment and replied,
“Jack Daniels and women with big tits!!

[Dce3480]

[aum]

An aging comedian is a guest on a late night talk show.

"What do you have coming up?" the interviewer asks him.

"Mostly phlegm."

 

[Karlston]

[Dce3480]

Edited May 2, 2022 by Dce3480

[ducky88]

A Texan walks into a pub in Temple Bar, Dublin and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers.

He says, "I hear you Dubliners are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?" asks the Dub. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Dub tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Dub the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Dub replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

[aum]

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.

'It's free,' St. Peter replied, 'this is Heaven.' Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located on. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, 'What are the green fees?'

St. Peter replied, 'This is heaven, you play for free.' Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the World laid out. 'How much to eat?' asked the old man.

'Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!' St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?' the old man asked timidly. St. Peter lectured, 'That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.'

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, 'This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins and exercise, I could have been here ten years ago!'

 

[aum]

There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I’m stumped.”

 

His buddy says,“I have an idea. Why don’t you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled!”

 

The first fellow does just that.

 

The next day, his buddy asks, “Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?”

 

“She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, ‘I’ll see you in two hours!’”

 

Edited April 30, 2022 by aum

[Karlston]

A hungry traveller stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips...

 

"Are you the Friar?" he asked.

 

The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."

[ducky88]

Three Dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.
The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said, "So why are you Here?”
The Yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I **** on everything. The sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids,

but the final straw was last night when I ****** in the middle of my owner's' bed.”
The Black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do? “
"Gonna Cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down.”
The Yellow Lab said to the Black Lab, "Why are you here, then?”
The Black Lab said, "I'm a Digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.

But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my Owners''s couch."
"So what are they going to do to You?" the Yellow Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I just want to hump everything I see.

Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and she was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself.

I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?”
The Great Dane said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

[Karlston]

It's not your dryer that's shrinking your clothes.

 

It's your refrigerator.

[aum]

The 80-year-old man sat down in the orthopaedic surgeon’s office.

 

“You know, Doc,” he said, “I’ve made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand.”

 

“And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions?” the doctor asked.

 

“Hell, no!” the old fellow replied.

 

“I want to borrow your Lamborghini!”

[Karlston]

I burnt about 2000 calories in half an hour yesterday.

 

Spoiler

Should have taken the cookies out sooner.

 

[ducky88]

Female Compassion
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have
18 hours left to live maybe we could make love again?'
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.
He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.'
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny...
..but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.

[aum]

Tom tried to calm himself down in the middle of a severe argument with his wife Jany. He said to her, “Let us not fight any more. We should try to sort this out in a level-headed manner.”

Fuming with anger, Jany replied, “No. Whenever we try to sort things out in a level-headed manner, I lose!”

 

[aum]

An avid old golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

“I have some good news and some bad news,” says the surgeon.
“The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”
“Oh God no!” cries the man.
“My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”
“The good news is… I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm and I’ll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant.”

“Go for it doc,” says the old man, “as long as I can play golf again.”
The operation went well and a year later the old man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

“Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.
“Just great,” says the old golfer.
“I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved.”
“That’s great,” said the surgeon.
“Not only that,” continued the old golfer,
“My handwriting has improved, "I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours. “

“That’s unbelievable!” said the surgeon, I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?”

Well, just two, said the old golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache.

 

Edited May 3, 2022 by aum