ducky88 Posted April 17, 2022 Share Posted April 17, 2022 Bob, an undertaker, came home with a black eye. "What happened to you?" asked his wife. "I had a terrible day," replied Bob. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was the big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half." "I see," said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?" "Wrong room." aum and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted April 17, 2022 Share Posted April 17, 2022 Pie-making is a lost tart. ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted April 17, 2022 Share Posted April 17, 2022 Every year I like to hide a dozen Easter Eggs in the house for the grand children. This year my wife said "No Way" until I find the two unaccounted for eggs from last year. ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dce3480 Posted April 18, 2022 Share Posted April 18, 2022 ducky88, aum, funkyy and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted April 19, 2022 Share Posted April 19, 2022 A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and begun reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked. Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered and again he resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz? aum and TrojanK 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted April 19, 2022 Share Posted April 19, 2022 Everyone has photographic memory! Difference is some do not have any film. Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted April 19, 2022 Share Posted April 19, 2022 McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives." ducky88, Karlston, flash48 and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted April 19, 2022 Share Posted April 19, 2022 One day, a young Indian boy walks up to the Chief. He asks, “How did my oldest brother get his name?” “Well, son,” the Chief replies, “When he was born, we opened the teepee. We immediately saw a beautiful herd of buffalo passing our camp. Hence the name Raging Buffalo.” The boy nods and then says, “What about my other brother? How did he get his name?” The Chief answers “It is a similar story, young brave. When he was born, we opened the teepee and looked into the sky. We saw a glorious eagle passing over us. So he was named Soaring Eagle.” The boy just nods and kicks the dirt. The Chief looks down at him and says “Why do you ask, Two Dogs Humping?” TrojanK, flash48, ducky88 and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted April 20, 2022 Share Posted April 20, 2022 (edited) In a convent in Kenya , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior’s bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.“ Mother.” The nuns asked earnestly. “Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us.” She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: “Don't sell that cow.” Edited April 20, 2022 by aum ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted April 20, 2022 Share Posted April 20, 2022 One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your b**t!” His wife was not amused and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. ‘ What the Hell is this?’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out. ‘Jane,’ he hollered into the bathroom,‘ why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?’ She replied with a snicker. ‘it’s not talcum powder. It’s ‘Miracle Grow’ leapinlizards, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted April 20, 2022 Share Posted April 20, 2022 A police officer is driving into the city in heavy stop start traffic, he looks over at the car next to him and notices that a granny is knitting whilst balancing the steering wheel with her knees. He winds down his window beeps his horn to get her attention, and angrily shouts "PULL OVER!" The granny winds her window down and meekly replies, "No, it's a scarf" ducky88, leapinlizards, scarabou and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted April 22, 2022 Share Posted April 22, 2022 A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub. He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie. 'She replied, 'Awe Jock that's nice are you taking me tae the pub with you? 'Nay,’ Jock replied ‘I'm turning the heat off while I'm out.' funkyy, Karlston, leapinlizards and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted April 22, 2022 Share Posted April 22, 2022 Despite what some people think, since the world is arguably 75% water that is not carbonated, one could accurately say that it's technically flat. ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arachnoid Posted April 22, 2022 Share Posted April 22, 2022 Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted April 22, 2022 Share Posted April 22, 2022 ducky88, funkyy, aum and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funkyy Posted April 23, 2022 Share Posted April 23, 2022 On 4/21/2022 at 10:17 PM, ducky88 said: A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub. He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie. 'She replied, 'Awe Jock that's nice are you taking me tae the pub with you? 'Nay,’ Jock replied ‘I'm turning the heat off while I'm out.' As a Scot I fail to see the stereotype humour in this.....but I do see a wise Scotsman!! Karlston, ducky88 and aum 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted April 23, 2022 Share Posted April 23, 2022 A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her. Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and chant, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!' She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew to a terrific D-cup rack! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.' A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ' Are you a patient of Dr.Bumbutu? 'Yes I am.. How did you know?' He winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickory dock'... andy2004 and aum 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted April 23, 2022 Share Posted April 23, 2022 How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one. ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted April 23, 2022 Share Posted April 23, 2022 Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside. One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance. When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs. "Where ya been?" he slurred. "I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!" TrojanK, funkyy, ducky88 and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted April 23, 2022 Share Posted April 23, 2022 ducky88 and aum 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted April 23, 2022 Share Posted April 23, 2022 I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. Spoiler Plus it’s fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to. aum, TrojanK and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted April 24, 2022 Share Posted April 24, 2022 Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted April 24, 2022 Share Posted April 24, 2022 The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades. Somebody is going to get a spanking." Karlston, ducky88, funkyy and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted April 24, 2022 Share Posted April 24, 2022 An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality. "If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?" "I'd have to say the living one." ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted April 25, 2022 Share Posted April 25, 2022 aum and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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