[JOTD] Joke of the day

[ducky88]

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

[andy2004]

it must be an australian keyboard..

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”

 

Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”

 

OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”

 

“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”

 

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.

 

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

 

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

 

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.

 

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”

 

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

 

“Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”

 

[Karlston]

I'm getting annoyed with friends constantly moaning about the cost of things. $3.50 for a coffee, $2.75 for a tea, $4.25 for a cupcake.

 

Spoiler

If they don't stop complaining I won't be inviting them around anymore.

 

[Dce3480]

[ducky88]

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini.
"I want to feel your breasts," he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man," she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty pounds" he says.
"Twenty pounds? Are you mad!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts. I will give you one hundred pounds" he says.
"No! Get away from me."
"TWO HUNDRED POUNDS" he says. She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, "I said No!"
"FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS" if you let me feel your breasts," he pleads.
She thinks, well, he is old, and he seems harmless enough.. and five hundred pounds is a lot of money.... "Well, OK.. but only for a minute," she says.
She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel...

and then he starts saying, "OH MY GOD.. OH MY GOD.. OH MY GOD.." while he is caressing them.
So out of curiosity, she asks him, "Why do you keep saying 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answers, "OH MY GOD.. OH MY GOD.. OH MY GOD.. where am I going to get five hundred pounds from".

[aum]

Employer: "We need someone responsible for this job."

Applicant: "Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible."

 

[aum]

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.

It was her turn, she rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature".

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time, and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

[aum]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

 

Edited April 11, 2022 by aum

[aum]

While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.

As you can see, he says, the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.

 

The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, what would you do in a case like this?

 

Well, ponders the student, suppose I'd limp, too.

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency.
The social worker raised doubts about their suitability to adopt a child.
The couple showed photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social worker raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills,” they said.
Then the social worker expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, child welfare, and diet,” they replied.
The social worker was finally satisfied.
The social worker asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
The couple answered, "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits into the cannon.”

 

[himaxpure10]

interesting data

[Dce3480]

[aum]

An old drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks."No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I have not, Reverend."

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

Edited April 13, 2022 by aum

[aum]

He looks around, and takes a seat neat to a very attractive women.

 

He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

 

The women notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

 

“No”, he replies, “Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.”

 

The intrigued women says “A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?”

 

Bond explains “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically”.

 

The lady says “Whats it telling you now?”

 

“Well, it says you are not wearing any panties.”

 

The women giggles and replies, “Well , it must be broken because I am wearing panties”

 

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says,”Bloody thing’s an hour fast”

[aum]

The neighbor of a young man was having trouble with her washing machine and asked him to come over and take a look at it.

 

"I'm not very good at fixing these things," he admitted. "The last time I tried your husband had to buy a new one."

 

"I know," she replied, smiling.

[aum]

Joe: "What's the idea of telling everyone that I'm stupid?"

 

Jill: "Sorry, I didn't realize it was a secret."

[ducky88]

PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT SENIOR STYLE
An elderly couple in their 70's were about to get married.
She said: I want to keep my house.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to keep my Rolls Royce.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: Put me down for Fridays.

 

[aum]

My twin brother called me from prison.

 

He said: “You know how we finish each other’s sentences?”

[Karlston]

Back in February, I had met my friend on the street looking really down and his eyes looked like he had been in tears not that long before, so I asked him what was wrong....

 

He said "Today is the 22nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put $2022 on the 2nd horse in the 2nd race of the day that day starting at 2.22 the odds were really great as well at 22 to 1.

 

"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?

 

Spoiler

"He came second".

 

[funkyy]

11 minutes ago, Karlston said:

Back in February, I had met my friend on the street looking really down and his eyes looked like he had been in tears not that long before, so I asked him what was wrong....

 

He said "Today is the 22nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put $2022 on the 2nd horse in the 2nd race of the day that day starting at 2.22 the odds were really great as well at 22 to 1.

 

"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?

 

  Hide contents

"He came second".

 

Story of my life.

[aum]

Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

 

[aum]

After World War II, an American soldier was going back to London from the front.

 

He was on a very crowded train and was looking for a seat, but the only empty one was next to an older lady, and she had her pet poodle on it.

 

He said, “Please, madam, I’m very tired. May I please sit here?”

 

The lady replied, “No. My precious little poodle, Miss Fluffy, is sitting here.”

 

The soldier walked the length of the train again with no luck, so he went back to the same seat next to the same woman and said, “Please, Madam, I have been fighting at the front for months, my feet hurt and I’m very tired. May I please sit here?”

 

The woman told him, “I cannot believe how rude you are! I have already told you that my darling little Miss Fluffy is sitting here.”

 

At that, the American lost his temper, picked up the poodle and threw it out the window.

 

An elderly man who was sitting across the compartment looked at the American soldier and said, “You Americans do everything wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you eat with the wrong hand and now you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!”