[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

A woman goes away on vacation and has her brother watch her cat. On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going he tells her that the cat is dead.

The woman immediately goes into hysterics, really upset and says, "You can't tell a person bad news like that. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be ok. The third day you could have said that she died from complications."

The next day the brother calls the woman up and says, "I have news."

"What?"

"Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down."

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

A farmer goes to a market and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose,the farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Damn,i walked here.how am I going to carry all this home?"
The market dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to Brighedown Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens."

[ducky88]

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.

We went back to her place.

We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'

[aum]

What's the difference between Big Ben and Tic Tok?

 

One tells time, the other wastes time.

 

[aum]

While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple.

 

I asked one nurse what the pin signified. "Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."

[ducky88]

Paddy is painting his lounge. His wife walks in and can't believe how well he's doing. But the sweat is dripping off him.

She says "why are you wearing a leather jacket and a sweater?"

Paddy says HELLOOOOOOOO! Read the f------ tin - it says, for best results put two coats on!!"

[Dce3480]

[ducky88]

1. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
2. You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice
3. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off
4. My teacher accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.
5. What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way.
6. A man in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard..
7. I, for one, like Roman numerals.
8. Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
9. Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
10. There is no “i” in denial
11. I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.
12. You’re not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.
13. What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.
14. You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
15. I didn’t believe my dad was a construction site thief until I got home. All the signs were there.
16. I have a stepladder, because my real ladder left when I was a kid.
17. Why are deer nuts better than beer nuts? Beer nuts cost $1.50 but deer nuts are under a buck.

[Karlston]

I sent my hearing aids in for repair over two weeks ago.

 

Haven't heard anything since.

[ducky88]

A Lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home.
When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home.
He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, Lawyers Cannot And Do Not Lie.
So, he had an idea : he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children.
He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent.
He liked one of the homes and the agent asked :
"How Many Children Do You Have ?
He answered : "12 children, but only one is with me now.
The agent asked "Where are the others ?
The Lawyer answered, with a sad look, "They are in the Cemetery with their Mother.
And that's the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.
MORAL : It is not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words.
Lawyers Don't Lie ...They Are Creative .....and don't forget:
Most politicians are lawyers.....

[Karlston]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

 

MAN: “Hello”

 

WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

 

MAN: “Yes.”

 

WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”

 

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

 

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”

 

MAN: “How much?”

 

WOMAN: “$90,000.” ;

 

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

 

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”

 

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”

 

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

 

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

 

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

 

He turns and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is..... “

[ducky88]

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for
an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.

After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of
stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to
keep you occupied."

The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"

[aum]

God: "Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth."

 

Angel: "What are you going to do now?"

 

God: "Call it a day."

 

[ducky88]

Windows vs. Ford.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX): Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments,
Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1) For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.
2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4) Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6) The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7) The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9) Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10) You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!

[Dce3480]

Edited April 9, 2022 by Dce3480

[Karlston]

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”.

 

Quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

[Rainmaker]

 

// R

[Dce3480]

Edited May 18, 2022 by Dce3480

[ducky88]

Your the laziest person we have ever employed Smith, you've been caught asleep on more than one occasion, your always late you never reach your targets and are so lethargic it's unreal.

I thought you said you used to work on a farm ?!"

"Yes I did. A cannabis farm"

[aum]

When a small village decided to buy a new fire truck, the town council met to decide what to do with the old one.

Rodney, an older man, stood up. "Ah think we should keep the old truck," he said. "We can use it for all them false alarms!"

 

[aum]

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

 

[himaxpure10]

Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"
father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister. "The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that.Angela is also your sister." This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Dont listen to him He isn't your father."

[himaxpure10]

My son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

 

He considered this for a moment and replied: “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”

[Karlston]