[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Dce3480]

Edited March 2, 2022 by Dce3480

[aum]

A foreman of a factory was making his rounds inspecting how all of the workers were doing their jobs.

"Well," he said to one blond worker, "I see you are doing a very diligent job stamping all of the boxes 'THIS SIDE UP'."

"Yes," the worker replied, eager to please, "and just to be extra sure I stamped the bottom also!"

 

[ducky88]

Two University students decide to make an engine that runs on Vaseline.
After a period of time they have accomplished this and decide to test it in a car to see how economical it is.
They build the car and head out in the country and its going great about 100 miles to a small jar of Vaseline.
Eventually the car stops in the middle of no where around dinner time as they are out of Vaseline.
They both exit the car and are figuring what to do next when one of the students sees a house in the distance on a hill.
What they don't know is that the people in the house have a rule that after dinner the first person who speak has to wash up.
The two students arrive at the door and knock but there is no answer although they can hear the TV on.
They decide to enter the house to check this out and find the entire family (Father, Mother, Daughter) sitting around the TV and not uttering a word.
One of the students says "We've broken down up the road. Do you mind if we have something to drink !"

No one says anything so the two students open the fridge and take out two beers and sit on the couch with the family.
They then request another beer and as no one says anything they have a second beer each.
One of the students feels a bit amorous and asks the father if he minds if he has sex with his daughter and still gets no reply.
He has his way with the daughter and she doesn't utter a word.
The other student thinks that this is ok and asks the father if he can have sex with the wife.
Still nothing is said and he has his way with the wife and she also does not utter a word.
They have another beer each and still no word from anyone.
As they get up to leave one of the students says "By the way does anyone have any Vaseline".

The father jumps up and says "I'll do the washing up!!!".

[aum]

A depressed man walks into a bar. He approaches the bartender and says, “I’ll have six double brandy.”

 

The bartender replies, “You must’ve had a really tough day!”

 

“Yeah, I found out that my dad is gay”, the man replies.

 

The following day, the man returns to the bar looking much sadder than before, ordering another six double brandy.

 

“Why did you come back so soon?” asks the bartender.

 

The man, in response, dejectedly said to him, “I found out that my son is also gay.”

 

The third day comes, and the man returns looking glum as ever, again ordering six double brandy.

 

The bartender exclaimed, “Wow! Doesn’t anyone in your family like women?”

 

“Yeah, my wife…”

[aum]

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

 

Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the children what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them a guess.

 

The dad said, “Well, it’s what Mommy calls me sometimes.”

 

The little girl screamed to her brother, “Don’t eat it. Its an a$$h^^le!”

 

[Dce3480]

Edited March 10, 2022 by Dce3480

[ducky88]

An office manager is given the unpleasant news that he must let an employee go.
So he has two people in mind. Jack and Jane. but he's not sure which one he should let go.
He decides that the first one in late gets the axe.
The next day, Jane gets in about 9:30, looking like an alley can.
The manager goes up to her and says
"I have to lay you or Jack off..."
Jane says: "Could you jack off then?...I've got a splitting headache."

[ducky88]

A State Trooper pulled an 87-year-old woman over for speeding. As he looked at her driver's license he was surprised to notice that attached to it was a conceal weapon permit.

Taken aback, he couldn't help but ask, “Do you have a gun in your possession?” She replied in her crackly voice, “Indeed, I do. Why I have a 45 automatic in the glove box.”

The trooper then asked if she had any other weapons. She replied, “I have a 9 mm Glock in the center console.” The shocked trooper asked, “Is that all the weapons you are transporting?"

The little old lady held up her purse and replied, "Well, I do keep a 38 special in my purse.” Finally, the astonished trooper asked, "What are you afraid of?"

The little old lady smiled and replied: "Not a Fu*king Thing."

[Karlston]

I scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked...

 

I don’t know what scared him more, the fact that I was naked, or that I knew where he lived.

[aum]

A wife asks her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

 

He looks at her from head to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humor!”

 

[ducky88]

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 30+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.

We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.........
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.'

Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.

When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,...........
" What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[Karlston]

[aum]

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the husband's examination, the doctor then said to him, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like discuss with me?"

 

"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

 

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."

 

After examining the elderly wife, the doctor said to her, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

 

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

 

"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied.

 

"That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.

You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your penis was chopped off in the wreck

and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in Insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new penis

that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap…it's £1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before,

and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time,

she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
So the man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're having granite benchtops and a new fridge-freezer."

[aum]

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

 

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch one evening, when the wife picks up her cane and whaps her husband across the shins.
"Jesus Christ, woman! What the hell was that for?" he yells.
"That's for 60 years of bad sex." she replies.
A few minutes later, the husband picks up his cane and whaps his wife across the shins.
"Ow!!" she yells. "What the hell was THAT for??"
The husband looks at her and says, "That's for knowing the difference."

[ducky88]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too! "
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

[ducky88]

On a beautiful summer’s day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysili ogogoch they stopped for lunch,
and one of the tourists asked the waitress.
‘Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.
Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly? ‘
The girl leaned over and said, ‘ Burrr . gurrr . king ‘

[Dce3480]

[aum]

Three little ducks go into a bar.

 

"Hello, what's your name?" the bartender asks the first duck.

 

"Huey," he replies.

 

"How's your day been, Huey?" the bartender asks.

 

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" smiles Huey.

 

"That's nice," says the bartender, turning to the second duck. "Hi, and what's your name?"

 

"Dewey," comes the answer from duck number two.

 

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" asks the bartender.

 

"Great. I've had a ball, too. Been in and out of puddles all day, as well. What more could a duck want?"

 

The barman turns to the third duck and says: "So, you must be Louie?"

 

"No," she says, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."

 

[aum]

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, 'Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?' The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well yeah, if that's what they are, but I never heard of circle flies.'

 

So the farmer says, 'Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.'

 

The trooper says, 'Oh,' and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?'"

The farmer says, 'Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.'

 

The trooper says, 'Well, that's a good thing,' and goes back to writing the ticket.

 

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[ducky88]

A blonde holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks the clerk if she can use the stores baby scales
"Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the first."
"Oh, that won't work," says the blonde.
"Why not?" asks the clerk.
"Because," she answers, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt."

[Karlston]

I hate it when people act all intellectual about Mozart even though they've never seen any of his paintings...