[JOTD] Joke of the day

[ducky88]

Two old men were sitting on a park bench and lamenting (as everyone does.)
The first man says:
"The worst thing is being constipated. I eat Prunes, Bran cereal and nothing works!"
The other man says:
"I'm good in that area. Every morning at 5:00AM, I go like gangbusters!"
The first man says: "Lucky You!"
The other man says: "Not so much...I wake up at 9:00".

[aum]

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago.

 

Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world.

 

Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.

 

Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!

 

Well, it was an immediate hit.

 

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

 

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

 

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

 

Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black pant!es?”

 

She replied “My br..sts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.”

 

He knew he was not going to get lucky that night.

 

The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black pant!es and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom.

 

She looked at him and asked, “What’s with the black condom?”

 

He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences.

[Karlston]

[Dce3480]

Edited May 19, 2022 by Dce3480

[ducky88]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands, and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's,

then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time,

wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.

He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.

He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

[MagicSahar]

[Karlston]

It was time to get our chimney cleaned so I called a professional chimney sweep for a quote – he comes over and takes a look at it, and tells me it'll cost $2,000.

 

"Two grand? You must be crazy – I'll just clean it myself!"

 

"OK, soot yourself."

[ducky88]

While golfing, a senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart late one afternoon.
A very attractive, young, female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?"
"I’m OK, thanks," he replied, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later."
The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
"That’s mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don’t think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now!" she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. He was weak.
"Well, OK," he finally agreed.
After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now."
"Don’t be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. Your wife won’t know anything By the way, where is she?"
He replied, "Still under the cart, I suppose."

[Karlston]

A lady was out enjoying a round of golf one day when a she badly sliced a tee shot. It went sailing over the golf course fence and she clearly heard the distinctive tinkle of breaking glass as it smashed through the window of a neighbouring house.

 

Dang and blast, she thought, as she made her way over to retrieve her ball, and to make things right with the owner of the house.

 

When she got there, she looked through the broken window to see a handsome man standing there holding her ball in one hand, and an old oil lamp in the other.

 

"Is this yours?" he asked, indicating the golf ball.

 

She nodded, and he went on, "I must thank you! For I am a genie and your ball has knocked over my lamp and at long last freed me from my 1000-year imprisonment! If you spend but one night of passion with me to completely break the enchantment chaining me to this lamp, I will grant you three wishes!"

 

This sounds like a pretty good deal to the woman, so she agrees, goes in to the house and they go to the bedroom.

 

The next morning she wakes, and, being not quite sure how to broach the subject, says to the Genie, "so... how does it work with these wishes then?"

 

The Genie looks at her and asks, "Tell me, how old are you?"

 

She replies, "I'm 37".

 

The Genie laughs. "So... you're 37 years old and you still believe in genies?"

[ducky88]

Mike and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks,

with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
Mike asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Mike looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Mike..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Mike. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Mike looked around and nervously asked Yvonne 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?'
'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
'No gym to work out at all?' said Mike
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again'
Mike glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your F**king Bran Flakes. We could have been here years ago!'

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

Towards the end of a round of golf, Jim hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden ... POOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?

Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life... better still,

you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'
Then POOF!... she was gone!
After James recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'
Jim shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred!' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'

[Akaneharuka]

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

 

From Daily Dilbert

 

BTW that's not me, he's my identical twin brother Dilbert who prefers red polo shirts.

[ducky88]

An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"Well, the good news is... I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors.”
"That’s unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just two”, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache.”

[aum]

I took my new girlfriend out for a walk on a beautiful evening and we saw two dogs mating, she said ‘how does the male know when the female is ready for sex’?

 

I replied he can smell she is ready that’s how nature works!

 

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the yew, again my girlfreind asked how the ram knew when the yew was ready for sex.

 

I replied ‘its nature he can smell she is ready’!

 

We then went past a cow field and the bull was mating the cow, my girlfriend said this is odd they are all at it, surely the bull can’t smell when she is ready, I said look its nature all animals can smell when the female is ready for sex.

 

Anyway, after the walk I dropped her home and kissed her goodbye, she said ‘take care and get yourself checked for Covid 19.’ Surprised, I asked her why she feels that way.

 

She said, “I think you seem to have lost your sense of smell‘!

[Karlston]

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity, and I can't put it down.

[ducky88]

Sex at 82
I just took a leaflet out of my letterbox informing me that I can have sex at 82!
I'm so very happy because I live at 74...so it's not far to walk home afterwards

[MagicSahar]

[aum]

If I'm counting right ...

 

It's been ‘one of those days' for three years now.

 

[aum]

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.

 

"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly.

 

"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet" counseled the therapist.

 

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.

 

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."

 

[ducky88]

Mr. Johnson's wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young."
He thought it over and agreed.
He went to the pharmacy and bought a bottle of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant.
Upon returning home, his wife said "I've been thinking, there's no reason we can't go for a month."
Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant.
When he returned his wife said, "Since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
He went back and bought 200 bottles of seasick pills and more tubes of lubricant.
The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, I don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the heck do you do it?"