[JOTD] Joke of the day

[ultrahub]

We all need to stay in shape during the increased isolation of this pandemic. Here are 26 easy exercises that anyone can do:

 

01)  Beating around the bush...
02)  Jumping to conclusions... 
03)  Climbing up the wall... 
04)  Swallowing your pride... 
05)  Passing the buck... 
06)  Throwing your weight around... 
07)  Dragging your heels... 
08)  Pushing your luck... 
09)  Making mountains out of molehills... 
10)  Hitting the nail on the head... 
11)  Wading through paperwork... 
12)  Bending over backwards... 
13)  Jumping on the bandwagon... 
14)  Balancing the books... 
15)  Running around in circles... 
16)  Eating crow... 
17)  Blowing your own horn... 
18)  Climbing the ladder of success... 
19)  Pulling out all stops... 
20)  Adding fuel to the fire... 
21)  Opening a can of worms... 
22)  Putting your foot in your mouth... 
23)  Setting the ball rolling... 
24)  Going over the edge... 
25)  Picking up the pieces... 
 
Whew! That is some workout ! Now SIT DOWN, and... 

26)  Exercise Caution! 

[aum]

I visited my new friend in his apartment.

 

He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out, I hate visitors.
 

[aum]

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
 

[vitorio]

A lawyer never ask a question if he/she don't know the answer to.

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

Harmonica
A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he's going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years.

A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.
"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we're going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and we're constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls.

The temptation's terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."
His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don't you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"

But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let's see how well you play that harmonica."

 

[MagicSahar]

 

[Karlston]

[madainpl]

You enjoy it

 

 

Edited February 5, 2022 by madainpl

[ducky88]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend, "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought... but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought... but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

 

The old man said, "I thought it was just gas... but I was wrong!"

[ducky88]

Computer Nerds Not Allowed
A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.
The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"

[MagicSahar]

[aum]

What does "The Devil is in the details" mean?

 

It means the government just passed the budget.

 

[ducky88]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.
He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: " Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He was a man who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Brian every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his bloody widow."

[Karlston]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

 

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.

 

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

 

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

 

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

[aum]

At work I've got the ear of my boss.

 

I'm still not convinced we should pay the ransom.

 

[ducky88]

The bartender at a local bar was so sure that he was the strongest man around that he offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to the patron.
Anyone who could squeeze two more drops would win the money.
Many people tried over the years: weightlifters, miners, bikers, dock workers, etc, and nobody was able to do it.
One day, this scrawny little fellow wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came into the bar. He ordered a schooner of draft and started looking around the bar. After reading the sign about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice: "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said. "Ok"
He grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it. Then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.
And the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000, and then asked the little man: "Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living? Are you a trucker, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for the Tax Office."

 

[ultrahub]

Attachments no longer supported here??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[MagicSahar]

[aum]

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

 

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. `Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'."

 

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

 

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.

 

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

 

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.

 

"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'

 

Holding her hand in the air and showing off her ten carat diamond ring., Tillie said, "So, do you like my stone?"

 

[Karlston]

5 hours ago, ultrahub said:

Attachments no longer supported here??

 

Still supported AFAICS. At the bottom of the reply box it says...

 

Drag files here to attach, or choose files...

 

Accepted file types: zip, rar, 7z, jpg, png, gif, doc, docx, log, pdf, txt, gifv, webp Max total size: 202.17 kB

[ultrahub]

Karlston,

'Drag file here' not there any longer.

All I see at the bottom now is a drop-down menu labelled 'Other media' and the only choices are 'Insert existing attachment' and 'Insert image from URL'

Is this browser dependent??

[ducky88]

The Washington Post invited readers to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

An outback grazier named Ted was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in central Australia when suddenly a brand-spankers 2015 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young whipper-snapper in a flash suit, expensive shoes, designer sunglasses and bright tie, leaned out the window and asked Ted the grazier, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Ted the grazier looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie-turd, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie-turd parks his car, whips out his latest fashion computer, connects it to his smart-phone, and surfs to a web page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to a satellite in orbit that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then sends the digital photo to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany…
Within seconds, he receives an email on his smart-phone that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a database and, after a few minutes, receives a response from somewhere in India.
Finally, he turns to Ted the grazier and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Ted the grazier.
He watches the young man select one from the herd and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Ted the grazier says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your profession is, will you give that one back to me and call it square?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a political advisor from Canberra", says Ted the grazier.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie-turd, “and how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered Ted the grazier. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know **** about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”