[JOTD] Joke of the day

[ducky88]

Three guys are talking in a bar. Two guys discuss how they are the king in their castles and how much their wife's respect them.
The third guy remains quiet.
Finally one guy turns to the quite guy and asks “what about you, Do you rule your roost?”
The quite guys says “ Well, just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees”
“what happened then?” they asked..
“She said, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man’

[ultrahub]

 

 

 

 

 

[aum]

A man says to his friend: "My wife's credit card got stolen last week."

"That's a shame," says the friend: "have you told the police?"

"No way," says the man: "the thief is spending less than she did!"

 

[Karlston]

Bored with being stuck at home, I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon, but I expect that'll come back to bite me.

[aum]

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.

 

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

 

Edited January 25, 2022 by aum

[Rainmaker]

Welcome to the 80s...

 

 

// R

[Karlston]

My wife and I have two children, a boy and a girl.

 

My son, Luke, absolutely loves that we decided to name them after characters from Star Wars.

 

My daughter, Chewbecca, is less thrilled.

[ducky88]

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.
"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like
it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that
was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of
the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no. says the nun. You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws"
, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the
sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?"

[Karlston]

Don't let your kids watch symphonies on TV.

 

There's too much sax and violins.

[aum]

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"

"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen."

 

[aum]

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear - no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

 

[Karlston]

A bit long, but worth it...

 

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases.

 

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

 

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table by candle-light. He put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of champagne.

 

When he finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

 

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

 

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

 

Then slowly the house began to smell.

 

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

 

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

 

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.

 

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

 

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later, even though they'd cut their price in half, they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

 

Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

 

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

 

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

 

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

 

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

 

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.

 

And just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!!

[ducky88]

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum..

[ultrahub]

A smile for today:

 

[vitorio]

One is never old/young for either of them!

Edited January 29, 2022 by vitorio

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so
I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy

[aum]

The condemned man was waiting for his execution, when the priest arrived.

"My son, I came to bring the word of God to you."

"No thanks, Father. I'm going to talk to Him in a little while, personally. Any message?"

 

[aum]

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

 

[ducky88]

Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started
shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is
24 and I'm 50.

It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

[aum]

Husband says to his wife.

 

Husband: If I died would you date another man.?

Wife: Of course I would.

 

Husband: Would you let him move in to our house.?

Wife: Of course I would.

 

Husband: Would you let him sleep in our bed.?

Wife: Of course I would.

 

Husband: Would you let him use my Golf Clubs.?

Wife: Definitely not!

 

Husband: Is that because they are personal to me.?

Wife: No it’s because he is left handed.

 

Edited January 31, 2022 by aum

[ultrahub]

Tax season is upon us ....

 

[aum]

A kid from Louisiana moves to California and is looking for a job.

 

The manager asks, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Louisiana.”

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.

“You start tomorrow. After we close we’ll see how you did.”

 

First day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store closed, the boss asked, “How many sales today?”

The kid says, “One.”

The boss says, “One? We average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”

Kid says, “$101,237.64.”

Boss says, “$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?”

Kid says, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then a medium fish hook. Then, a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.I asked him where he was going fishing and he said “at the coast”, so I told him he was gonna need a boat.

We went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine. He said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.”

 

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?”

 

Kid says, “No sir, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, ‘Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing”.

[Rainmaker]

 

// R

[ducky88]

A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door.
"Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"
"You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied.
"Oh yes" said the young man "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it".
"Well, help yourself" said the farmer.
He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.
The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle vine on the fence row.

I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"
"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer.
Again, the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.
The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow trees down by the creek".
The farmer said "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you!