[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.

 

[Kalju]

It all looks like an anecdote:

Do You know or even imagine, what happens when you marry a picture-beautiful widow on one day...

(translated from another language, sorry if not the best translation)

Years ago, when I was 23, I married a young widow who was picture-beautiful, taken like from a fairy tale book picture..
The widow had an adult daughter with fluffy red hair.
My father fell in love with this red-headed girl, and soon they got married.
As a result, the father became my son-in-law, and all my previous ties changed radically.
My stepdaughter had become my mother because she was my father's wife.
My husband soon gave birth to a little son. My newborn son is my father's sister and therefore my uncle.
I am not happy about this, because my son is also the brother of my wife's adult daughter, who is, of course, my stepmother.
The father's young woman soon gave birth to a son, both of whom were very pleased and happy. But the boy is also my grandson, because he is the son of my stepdaughter.
Now my wife is my mother and it makes me sad. Because even though she is my wife, she is also my grandmother.
Since my wife is my grandmother, I am her granddaughter.

Thinking about it drives me crazy. Because I have become the strangest case I have ever seen: as my grandmother's wife, I am my own grandfather !!!

[ducky88]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.
The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.
The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,
'I think I am going to have a little broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.
'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
and the best man says, "Sounds to me like she's been sweeping around" !

[aum]

A woman came home early from work one day and found her husband in bed with a young and attractive woman.

The woman yelled at her husband in anger: “You slimy disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me!? I’m the mother of your children, and I’ve been faithful to you all these years! I want a divorce now!”

The husband answered: “Wait a second my love, let me at least explain what happened.”

 

“All right, let’s hear what you have to say for yourself,” answered the wife waiting to see just how her husband would try to talk his way out of this one, “but these are your last words.”

Her husband started recalling: “today when I left work and got in my car to head home and this woman asked me for a ride.”

“I noticed that she was very skinny and wearing worn out clothes covered in muck and mud. She told me she hadn’t eaten in three days.”

“She looked worse for wear so I took pity on her and let her into the car.”

“In my mercy for her, instead of taking her straight to where she needed to go, I brought her home first and warmed her up a plate of goulash, the same plate I made for you last night which you didn’t eat claiming you’d ‘get fat’.”

“She devoured it in seconds.”

 

“Since she needed to get clean, I offered to let her use our shower.”

“While she showered, I noticed that her clothes were very dirty and worn, so I threw them out. She needed new clothes so I brought her the old jeans you no longer wear because they’re ‘too tight’.”

 

“I also gave her some underwear I bought you that you didn’t wear because ‘I don’t have good taste in clothes’.”

“I found the shirt my mom bought you for Christmas that you didn’t wear to ‘piss her off’. And I gave her the high heels you only wore once because ‘someone at work had the same pair’.”

The husband took a deep breath and continued.

 

"She was so grateful for my understanding and help. When I walked her to the door she turned around with tears in her eyes and asked.”

“You’re such a great person! Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?”

 

Edited January 15, 2022 by aum

[ultrahub]

Vandalism Canadian style:

 

[aum]

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat "you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know". The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says "say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

 

Several days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says "say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

 

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him "How are things since you are here?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

 

[aum]

A store where a woman may go to choose a husband has opened in Pickyland.

 

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

 

“You may visit this store only once! There are six floors, and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.”

 

So a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor, the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 -- These Men Have Jobs.

 

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 --These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

“That's nice,” she thinks. “But I want more.”

 

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 -- These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Extremely Good Looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

 

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 -- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

 

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims. “I can hardly stand it!”

 

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 -- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 -- You are visitor 99,999,999 to this floor.

 

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

[aum]

"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

 

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

 

[ducky88]

A semi-detached house was ablaze yesterday with a man with two wooden legs trapped inside.
The fire brigade confirmed that while the damage to the house was superficial,
the gentleman in question was sadly burnt to the ground.
The insurance company said he didn't have a leg to stand on!

 

[aum]

When all this pandemic stuff is over, I still plan to wear a mask.

It hides the perpetual look of annoyance I have for most people.

 

[andy2004]

On 1/8/2022 at 4:45 AM, ducky88 said:

The British Law states that it is legal to own a firearm at the age of 17.
However it is illegal to purchase fireworks if you are below the age of 18.
This means you can shoot somebody, but have to wait a year before you can frighten the s**t out of a cat!”

 

i know this is a joke.. but only certain people are allowed to legally own a firearm in the UK.. farmers with shotguns to protect their animals.. the rich for their shooting parties.. the clay shooting and grouse.. and of course.. those are restricted to the country life..

[ultrahub]

We're coping well with the big blizzard:

 

 

 

 

[aum]

I never make the same mistake twice.

I do it like, five or six times, you know, to make sure.

 

[ducky88]

 

Let me tell you friends, that one simple spelling mistake--even a typo--can make your life hell.

I recently penned a short, romantic note to my wife while I was away on a fishing trip, and I missed one small "e". No problem you might say. Not so.

This tiny error has caused me to seek Police protection to enter my own house.

I wrote, "Hi darling, I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my whole life, and I wish you were her!"

 

[Karlston]

I was going to tell a time travel joke but I know nobody liked it.

[ducky88]

She’s single… She lives right across the street. I can see her place
from my kitchen window. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I
was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked
on the door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, “I just got home, and I have
this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid
tonight. Are you doing anything?”

I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!”
“Great,” she said. “Can you watch my dog?”

Being a senior citizen really sucks!

[aum]

A man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, “Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The horse died.”
Donald replied, “Well, then just give me back my money.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Donald said, “Ok, then just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Donald said, “Sure I can! Watch me.
A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”
Donald said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars apiece and made a profit of $2495.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his five dollars.”
Donald is moving into the White House later this month.
 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

I asked a Frenchman if he played video games.
- he said Wii.

[aum]

Carlos told his wife he wanted a guitar to play while sitting in the Jacuzzi. “The next day she bought him an electric guitar.”

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
- Aye, matey

[Akaneharuka]

Edited January 23, 2022 by Akaneharuka

[Karlston]

[aum]

Research shows that men, on average, speak about 10,000 words per day, and women speak about 40,000.

What the research doesn’t tell you is that it’s not that women are actually saying four times as much, they just have to repeat everything that many times because men don’t listen.