[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

The 4 stages of man:

He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
He looks like Santa Claus.

 

[aum]

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, he asked her the usual question, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my text?"

 

[aum]

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool."
 

[ultrahub]

If Christmas jokes are still in vogue, then there's this:

 

 

 

[Karlston]

Two men are playing golf when one realizes he's left his jacket at the last tee. He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.

 

"What's up?" asks his mate. "Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress." His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."

 

He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "it's a small world mate"."

[Rainmaker]

 

// R

[ducky88]

The British Law states that it is legal to own a firearm at the age of 17.
However it is illegal to purchase fireworks if you are below the age of 18.
This means you can shoot somebody, but have to wait a year before you can frighten the s**t out of a cat!”

 

[aum]

A five year old boy went for a weekend trip with his grandparents. On the way home, they stopped at a country restaurant for lunch.

The little boy left the table to use the restroom by himself. A moment later he returned with a confused look on his face. He says, "Grandpa, am I a rooster or a hen?"
 

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

[aum]

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"

 

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
 

[ducky88]

Andrew the drover from a huge cattle station in the Australian outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered.
"Once, on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the **** out of the lot of ya!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"A couple of minutes ago!!

 

[aum]

Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?"

 

The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."

 

The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern."

 

"Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"

 

[vitorio]

35 minutes ago, aum said:

The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern."

The famous parable of “The Blind Men and the Elephant” can be used as a warning for people who proclaim some knowledge of absolute truth.

In this parable each blind men thinks he has the whole picture and insists that others are wrong, while the truth is, all of them understand only a part of the greater picture.

Sometimes our sensory perceptions and life experiences can lead to limited access and overreaching misinterpretation.How can a person with limited touch of truth can produce a complete picture?

We all live in our own world with our own life experiences. Sometimes we all see what we want to see and continue to insist that we are right - even when none of us have ever seen the whole picture. The story teaches a lesson about understanding the limits of one's own point of view. Understanding that those differences exist and being able to consider the world from other's viewpoint is an indespensable part of devoloping tolerance.

So we must be careful to ensure that a correct balance between what is being seen and what is already believed is maintained.

[Karlston]

An Irish bloke is telling his mate about a New Year's Eve party he'd been to the night before.

 

"Got pretty well saturated," he said. "I knew the police would be out in force looking for the likes of me, so I did something I've never done before."

 

"What's that?" his mate asked.

 

"I took a taxi home," he replied.

 

"You must've been pretty far gone," his mate remarked.

 

"Aye, indeed I was, and didn't I pass at least a half-dozen roadblocks on my way home."

 

"Success, then?"

 

"Not 100%. The taxi's still in my driveway and I don't know who owns it."

[ducky88]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own f#@king blanket!'
After a moment of silence, he farted.

[Karlston]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

 

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

 

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

 

When she is about to hand him another batch again ....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

 

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

 

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

 

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

[ducky88]

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
The lab tech tells him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab,

the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that news is either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for herpes. We can't tell which one is your wife."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith.
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" he asked.
"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

[aum]

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician.

I was just sitting there doing nothing.

 

[ultrahub]

Now that would be a real adventure for them:

 

[Karlston]

First-year veterinary students were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

 

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body."

 

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

 

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it.......followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting.

 

When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

[ultrahub]

[aum]

Why is a diet called a "diet"?

 

Because all the other 4-letter words were taken.

 

 

Edited January 14, 2022 by aum

[aum]

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

 

She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face!

What's WRONG with me, Doctor?"

 

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

[aum]

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her”

Dad: That happens in every country, son.