[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."
 

[aum]

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

 

[ducky88]

Cardiologist and the Honda Mechanic.

A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda
when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and
take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit
surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda .
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out,
repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in,
and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and
I are doing basically the same work?
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic....
"Try doing it with the engine running."

[Karlston]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

 

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

 

The frog says $30,000.

 

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

 

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

 

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

 

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

 

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

 

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

[aum]

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.

The husband responded, "When we were first married we came to an agreement -- I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."

 

[aum]

When I was a kid, I wanted to play the guitar badly.

And after years of hard work, practice and dedication, I can now play the guitar ... badly.
 

[Karlston]

Customer: My car is making a horrible sound.

 

Service Log: Mariah Carey Christmas CD removed.

[ducky88]

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
“Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”
“Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.”
“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear”..
“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder”..
Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “I know you’re retired from the Navy. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?”
The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin,
“They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir”?

[aum]

A doctor and his wife are having an argument in the morning over breakfast and the doctor blurts out, "You know what? You're not that great in bed anyways!"

So he goes off to work and thinks it over and decides to call his wife and make amends.
So he calls the house and the phone rings many, many times and then his wife finally answers the phone completely out of breath.

So the doctor says, "What were you doing?" and she says, "l was in bed!" and the doctor says, "What were you doing in bed so late in the day?"
The wife says, "getting a second opinion!"

 

[Karlston]

An nSane Moderator walks out of the office, laughing loudly.

 

A colleague asks, "What is it you're laughing about?"

 

"Ah, I just read an excellent joke," the Moderator says, wiping tears of laughter.

 

"A joke? Tell me!"

 

"Are you crazy? I just banned a guy for a week for that joke."

[ducky88]

A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the petrol station.
As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, “Young man, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”
The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street and at the junction turn to your right. It’s on the left.”
The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said, “I’m the new vicar. If you and your parents come to church on Sunday, I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”
The little boy replied with a chuckle; “You’re kidding me, right? You can’t even find the bloody Post Office.”

[aum]

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."

 

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

 

[aum]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."

 

 

[aum]

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asked the husband, “What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”

 

The husband said, “In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.”

 

The wife said, “Seven weeks.”

 

[Karlston]

I must be built upside down.

 

My nose runs and my feet smell.

 

 

 

[ducky88]

WARMING!!!
If youse gets a link called 'free porn' dont opin it?!!#*
It is a birus wich deactivate you spellcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it.
Warn al1 you vriends!!

[aum]

A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman. She exclaims, "Wow, what a great chest you have!”
“He says, “Solid dynamite, babe.”

He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, “Wow, what massive calves you have!”

He flexes his leg muscles and says, “Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart.”

Then he removes his underwear and the blonde goes running and screaming in fear.

He gets dressed and goes chasing after the woman.

When he catches up to her, he asks, “Why the hell did you go running off like that?”

She replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was.”

 

[ultrahub]

[ducky88]

A social worker from a big city in Ontario recently transferred to a small community in the northern part of Saskatchewan, was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life..
Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody home?' she asked. 'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door. 'Is your father there?' asked the social worker.. 'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid. 'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker. 'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid. 'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family?'

'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door....... 'This is the Outhouse!'

(Some Government workers are so smart)

[aum]

This is my step ladder.

I never knew my real ladder.

 

[aum]

One day a blind man goes to a restaurant. The server asked him if he’d like to see the menu.

 

The blind man says: “no, I am blind, just bring me a dirty fork and I will smell it and order”.

 

The server, confused, goes to the kitchen, and brings back a dirty fork.

 

The blind man smells it and says: “I’ll have the beef steak with mash potatoes and gravy and some chocolate brownies for dessert.”

 

The server brings him his food and the blind man enjoys his meal, pays the bill and leaves.

 

Next week, the blind man goes back to the same restaurant.

 

The server recognizes him and wanting to see how good the blind man’s sense of smell is, he goes to the kitchen and asks his wife, Brenda, for a spoon.

He instructs his wife, Brenda, to rub the spoon all over her private parts and so she does.’

 

The server hands the dirty spoon to the blind man.

 

The blind man takes a whiff and says:“I didn’t know Brenda worked here.”

 

[ultrahub]

[ducky88]

I went to see my doctor, I said "I don't understand it - my wife is pregnant but we haven't had sex in a year!"
The doctor replies, "Ah, it's what we call a 'grudge pregnancy'... Someone's obviously had it in for you."

 

[aum]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’ ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’  Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each bre@st and he gently pinches each n!ppl3. He pushes her bre@sts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her bre@sts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

 

[ducky88]

 

I phoned the Hypochondriac's Helpline yesterday, the bloke at the other end said "Can you describe your symptoms"?

So, after I had done that, he replied "Do you know, I have those symptoms as well"