[JOTD] Joke of the day

[ultrahub]

More seasonal cheer:

[ducky88]

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston,

the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so very sorry,

but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.

I don’t know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals.

I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,

“Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight“

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: “If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.”

[aum]

What do you call a priest that’s also a lawyer?

A father in law.
 

[Karlston]

I have a fetish for magnets.

 

I don't know why, I just find them attractive.

[ducky88]

Paddy is sat having a quiet drink in the bar when Murphy walks in cradling a lizard.

Paddy exclaims "Bejeezus Murph, what the hell have you got there, looks like some mad kind of swivel eyed dinosaur type of thing?"
Murphy carefully sets his new pet down on the table and replies "It's a Chameleon."
Paddy lowers his head to the table until he's almost nose to nose with the animal and says "Go on then, tell me a joke!....."

[aum]

Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,

Judi

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
 

 

 

 

 

[aum]

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

 

[aum]

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"

"Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."

A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"

"Son, I'm 100% polar bear and your mother is 100% polar bear, so you're certainly 100% polar bear."

A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear again turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I really need to know... am I really 100% polar bear?"

Distressed by this continued questioning, the father polar bear finally asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"

"Because I'm freezing to death out here!"
 

[Rainmaker]

 

LOL...

 

// R

[Disco Bob]

[ducky88]

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry we don’t serve food here."

[aum]

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
 

[ducky88]

JOB OFFER
5 people needed to work in a large event, on the 29th, 30th and 31st of February !!!
8 Hours per day - $700.00 per day.
$2,100 cash for the 3 days.
Anyone available???????
SERIOUS WORKERS ONLY!!!!
Call me

[aum]

A man went to his lawyer and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer says "No problem, leave it all to me".

The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!
 

[ultrahub]

Some additional cheer:

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

It's Christmas ....

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic
How do you know when Santa's in the room? You can sense his presents.
The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.

[aum]

Back in the Cold War days, Ivan was a diplomat and spy. He was new to the USA and lived in Washington, D.C. After six months he complained to Boris, his aide, that he needed a woman.

Boris dropped off a high-priced hooker at his door the following Saturday night. Ivan plied her with some vodka and caviar. As she took off her top, he noticed that her armpits were shaved. He said, pointing top his own pits, "Vomen in the old country have wool – they have wool!"

She responded, "In the U.S. it's customary and fashionable to shave our underarms."

They drank more vodka and ate more caviar. She removed her slacks and he noticed that her legs are shaved also.
He repeated, "Vomen in the old country have wool – they have wool!"

Once more, she said, "In the U.S. it's customary and fashionable to shave our legs."

After more vodka and caviar, he pulled down her panties and saw that her privates were trimmed. He exclaimed again, "Vomen in the old country have wool – they have wool!"

She then asked in loud voice, "Look buddy, did you want to screw or knit?"

 

[ducky88]

A BOXING DAY POO.
You sit upon the toilet with everything prepared,
you're feeling quite excited but a little bloody scared!
That huge amount of Christmas nosh has turned into a log
and now the fateful time has come to flush it down the bog!
But first you must expel the beast and so you start to strain,
you bite down on a piece of wood to take away the pain.
But oh my god, its bloody huge, its like you're giving birth!
You sweat and push and swear and shake and strain for all you're worth.
And then the magic moment comes that fills your soul with cheer,
a turd the size of King Kong’s arm emerges from your rear.
And like a bomb it hits the pan thus lightening your mood,
and making room inside your guts for lots more Christmas food!!

 

[aum]

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.

"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."

"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
 

[Karlston]

For Christmas, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears instead of beeping.

 

She's in for a rude awakening.

[ducky88]

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.
Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street.'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'
More silence and another minute later.
Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'
Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street.'

[aum]

I recently ran into an old student of mine, who said, “I always liked you. You never had favorites."

"Why thank you," I replied.

Then he concluded with, "You were mean to everyone.”
 

[aum]

A man was watching TV and enjoying a beer. "Don't go," he yelled at the screen. "Do not enter that building. Walk away. Argh, you stupid man!"

His wife called from the kitchen, "What on earth are you watching?"

"Our wedding video."

 

[Karlston]

It's interesting... I can walk to my local whisky bar in under 10 minutes but it takes me over an hour to walk back.

 

The difference is staggering.