[JOTD] Joke of the day

[ducky88]

John and Sue, an old married couple, are sitting on the couch watching television. On the show, the TV hosts are speaking about how to prepare in case of death.
Turning to his wife, John says, “Honey, I want you to promise me, that if there ever comes a time that I am dependent on just machines and bottled fluids,

that you will make sure to put an end to it.”
“No problem,” said Sue.
So, she got up, turned off the TV and poured his beer down the sink.

 

[aum]

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.

 

He described a typical day this way: ‘Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.’

 

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, ‘You must be one hell of an outdoors man!

 

‘NAH,’ he replied, ‘I’m just a shitty golfer.’

 

[Karlston]

Little Benny was very sick, and the doctors had given up hope.

 

As a last present, his parents brought him to Arabia on a trip. While they were walking through a market, little Benny bought a lamp from a vendor.

 

When he arrived home, he rubbed the lamp to clean it, and, to his surprise, a genie popped out in a flash of light.

 

"What is it that you require?", the genie boomed.

 

"I just want to get better," little Benny replied.

 

"Very well," said the genie. "But on one condition: as per the custom of my people, you can never shave your face. If you do, you will be turned into a Persian urn."

 

Little Benny eagerly agreed, and the genie disappeared. When little Benny went to the doctor again, he was shocked to see that Benny had completely recovered.

 

Years go by. Benny has grown up and gotten married. All this time, he had kept his word, and never shaven once. However, it was beginning to get to him. It was hard to sleep at night because of the heavy beard and the itching.

 

One night, he decides he has had enough and grabs a razor to shave. His wife tries to talk him out of it, but he doesn't listen.

 

As soon as the razor cuts a single hair, he transforms into a large Persian urn.

 

The moral of the story? A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

[aum]

An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.

 

"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love."

 

The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!"

 

So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"

 

[ducky88]

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I, but my thermometer just broke."

 

[aum]

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said:"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me." she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

You're right." She said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea." the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
 

[ducky88]

An Aussie stock-man and his wife had just got married, and found a quiet hotel for their wedding night.
The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."
'We have many suites', then the clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'
The drover reflected on this for a moment, and then replied,
'Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'

[aum]

What is the opposite of stand up comedy?

 

A Sitcom.

 

[Rainmaker]

 

// R

[ducky88]

One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.
"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car", said the male driver.
"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.
How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver?
"No way", replied the irritated youngster.
"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY quid, eh"? quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.
"No, I'm not getting in the car!" answered the boy.
"OK, I know what you want - I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies", the driver offered.
"NO," screamed the boy.
"What will it take to get you into the car"? asked the driver with a long sigh.

The boy replied: "Listen Dad, you bought a Ford - live with it!

[aum]

One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said.

Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."

 

 

[ducky88]

I'm now getting to that stage when I have to use a lubricant before having sex with my wife
Usually about eight pints !

 

[aum]

Sergeant: "Private, I think the enemy soldiers are hiding in the woods. I want you to go in there and flush them out for us."

Private: "Yes, sir! But if you see a bunch of guys running out the woods, don’t shoot the one in front, sir!"

 

[ducky88]

A bloke met a beautiful blonde sheila and decided he wanted to tie the knot with her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's no worries, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented. They were married and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck,

followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.
After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No mate,' she replied, 'I was a hooker in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the Murray.

[aum]

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old European castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.

"Don't worry," says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."

"How long is that?" asks the girl.

"About three hundred years."
 

[ducky88]

A guy with a 25-inch p*nis went to a doctor and said, "I can't live with this pe*nis anymore! It's too long."
The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the bayou, she can help you."
So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor.
The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and find a female frog. Ask her to marry you. She'll say "No", and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"
So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her,
"Will you marry me?"
"No!", she said. He lost 5 inches off his member!
The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much.
So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?"
The frog said, "No!" And the guy lost another 5 inches.
He thought, Good, 15 inches is great, but 10 inches would just be perfect. So he asked, "Will you marry me?"
And the frog said, "How many times do I have to tell you......... ..NO! NO! NO!"

[aum]

A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical.

 

A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

 

A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
 

[ducky88]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up ...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,
'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

 

[MagicSahar]

[aum]

My doctor was giving me a hard time about my health. To get back on his good side I bought a puppy and named him 'Five Miles'.

 

That way, when I went to see my doctor I could tell him, "I walk five miles every morning!"

 

[ducky88]

The C I A had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the C I A agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”
The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife.”
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home.“
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
"The gun was loaded with blanks," she said.
"I had to kill him with the chair.”

[aum]

Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off till further notice!
 

[ultrahub]

Some Christmas cheer.

[ducky88]

A rubbish collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit
of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector
"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, where is your wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in
the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

[aum]

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them”.

Boat Owner: “Well, there’s Clarence, my deckhand, he’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board.

Then there’s the mentally challenged guy.

He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here.

He makes about $30 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life.

He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally”.

IRS AGENT: “That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one”.

Boat Owner: “That would be me. What would you like to know”?