[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

A man goes to take out a loan. The loan officer comes over immediately.

 

“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.

 

“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.

 

The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan. So, the man holds out his hand and opens his palm, saying: “These are the keys to my car, which is sitting out front. Here are the documents, as well”.

 

The loan officer peeks out the window and sees a brand new Ferrari parallel parked directly in front of the bank.

 

“One moment, please.”

 

The loan officer walks into a back office to consult with the president of the bank. Everything checks out. So, after sharing a laugh with the president at this man leaving a $750,000 car as security for a $5,000 loan, the loan officer returns and tells the man that they will happily accept the Ferrari.

 

An employee of the bank then drives the car into the bank’s underground garage and parks it. Two weeks later, the man returns and pays the $5,000 plus interest, which comes to $15.41.

 

The loan officer smiles and says: “Sir, we are very happy to have your business. This transaction has worked out very nicely. But to be honest, we are a little bit puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. So what puzzled us is why you’d bother to borrow $5,000?”

 

The man replies: “Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for just $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on soft surfaces, like a grass path."
"Gentlemen, remember you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering... would it be all right if she carries a golf bag?"

 

[Karlston]

I have developed an interest in accents. The other week while I was sitting in a bar two women came in, talking with an interesting accent.

 

So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

 

One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, dumbo!"

 

So I corrected myself, "Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?"

 

That's about as far as I remember.

[ducky88]

My wife has just said to me "How about you dress up in that black mask again, pretending you broke into the house and shag me, you know, like you did a few weeks ago?"

I have no idea what she's f**king talking about.!!

[aum]

While working at a pizza parlor, I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.

He thought about it for some time then said, "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

 

[ducky88]

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a Union House."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!!!" the UAW man said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85 year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has Seniority."

 

[aum]

Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office.

The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, “What’s the first thing you see when you look at me?”
The guy says, “That’s not too hard, you’ve got no ears.”
The interviewer says, “That’s it, get out, you’ll never be seen around here again.”

The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question.
The applicant replies, “Uh, you’ve got no ears.”
The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he’ll never get a job with his company.

As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, “Listen man, whatever you do, don’t say he hasn’t got any ears. He’s so touchy with the ear thing.”
“Okay,” said man #3 on his way into the office.

Once inside he is told, “Name the first thing you notice when you look at me.”
The guy answers, “That’s easy, you wear contacts.”
The interviewer was flabbergasted, “How on earth did you know that, son?”

“What? Are you stupid? You can’t wear glasses, you’ve got no ears!”

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

This is getting out of hand now.
Every morning since Monday, a German Shepherd has come to my garden and had a s**t on the lawn.
Guess what happened today......
The cheeky bastard brought his dog with him.

[aum]

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex.

 

Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live.

 

Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

 

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.

 

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

 

The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses.

 

"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."

 

At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

 

[aum]

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger having sex with his wife.

He says, "What the hell are you two doing?"

His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."

 

 

[aum]

Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it's his wife's birthday today. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her.

 

Unfortunately, he realizes that life has been good and she has everything she needs. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young.

 

Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has. Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife.

 

Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.

 

Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she has never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all. So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked. She calls out, 'Marvin, come out to the hallway and look.'

 

Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, 'All that money and they didn't even iron it.'

 

[aum]

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money."

 

[aum]

Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Smith into his office.

 

"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor."

 

"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Smith, "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking, do you?"

 

[aum]

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

 

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

“What was the name of the Instructor?” asked the neighbor.

 

“Oh, ummmm, let’s see,” the old man pondered. “You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what’s that flower’s name?”

“A rose?” asked the neighbor.

 

“Yes, that’s it,” replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?”

 

[Karlston]

I was kidnapped by Mimes once.

 

They did unspeakable things to me.

[ducky88]

LOST DOG !!
3 legs
Blind in left eye
Missing right ear
Tail Broken, recently castrated
Answers to the name "LUCKY"

[aum]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display.

"Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

 

"The gentleman was your doctor." 

 

[Karlston]

Ever wonder how the tradition of putting an angel on top of your Christmas tree got its start?

 

Santa was beginning to feel the pre-Christmas pressure, four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

 

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

 

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

 

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

 

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

 

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

 

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

 

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[ducky88]

Hey dad have you seen my sunglasses?
No son, have you seen my dad glasses?

[ducky88]

They say women are better multi taskers than men.

This isn't necessarily true.

My Grandad sneezed, spat his teeth out, farted and pee'd himself, all at the same time last night, whilst eating his dinner.

[MagicSahar]

"We all agree we have secrets, why don't you allow me to keep  your secrets, why you should be burdened to keep your secrets."

 

(Cloud Computing)

[aum]

After 50 years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.

"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "but it didn't work out and they brought you back."

 

 

[Karlston]

We used to have a bloke in the office who the boss would call "The Computer".

 

Nothing to do with intelligence, or how fast he processed stuff.

 

He would just go to sleep if left unattended for 10 minutes.