[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy scout and a pastor were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane.

 

Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.

Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

 

Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining.

 

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said "I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped, also.

 

The pastor looked at the little boy scout and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

 

The little boy scout handed the parachute back to the pastor and said "Not to worry, Preacher. 'The smartest man in the world' just jumped out with my back pack."

 

[ducky88]

A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking
a cigarette. "My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the father.
"Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl.
"You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?" shrieks the father.
"I don't remember," says the girl. "I was pissed."

[Karlston]

Wife: I left my job today, I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me.

 

Husband: So what did he say.?

 

Wife: "Katy, you are fired."

[aum]

A government social worker was visiting the an reservation for the first time.

A woman was yelling at an old Indian man.

The man looked like he could use some help.

The social worker walked over and broke up the disturbance by pulling the man aside.

 

“Hey, that lady sure hates you.”

“She no lady. She my wife.”

“You don’t say. What’s her name?”

“Wife name ‘Three Horse’.”

 

The social worker smiled. “Now that’s a strange name. Three Horse. Yep, that sure is a strange name. How did she get a name like that?”

 

“Nag nag nag.”

[aum]

An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes."

 

The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout."

 

POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." So he looks at the bottle, and it is magicaly filling back up with stout.

 

The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?"

 

The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these."

 

[ducky88]

A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children.

All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her.

The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him.

He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him.

He asked her, "Excuse me little girl, but why do you keep staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish."

 

[Karlston]

A snake goes in to see the optometrist because his eyesight is failing.

 

“It’s actually affecting my life. I can’t hunt anymore because I can’t see.”

 

The doctor fits the snake for glasses and the snake immediately notices an improvement in his eyesight. A week later, the doctor calls the snake to check how the glasses are holding up.

 

“They’re fine,” the snake answers. “But now I’m being treated for depression.”

 

“Depression?” the doctor asks.

 

“Yeah, my eyesight cleared up, but it made me realise I’ve been trying to chat up all the garden hoses in my area.”

[aum]

Why do archaeologists get all the girls?

 

Because they have the best dating techniques.

 

[aum]

One night a man was walking homewards when a thief jumped on him all of a sudden. Man and the thief were caught in a terrific tussle.

 

They rolled about on the ground, and the man put up a tremendous fight, until at last the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.

 

The thief then went through the man's pockets and searched him all over. There was only a 25-cents coin he could lay his hands on.

 

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked the man why he had bothered to fight so hard just for a 25-cents.

 

"Was that all you wanted?" said the man, "I thought you were after the five-hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"

 

[ducky88]

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The man replies, "Boobs!"

[Karlston]

My family was so poor that on my 12th birthday they put half a cake with six candles up against a mirror.

[aum]

Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria.

 

"Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked.

"He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied.

"How was he going to do it?"

"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and, well, you get the idea."

"So what did he end up with?"

"Ten years in prison."

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once but I didn't like it."
So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once but I didn't like it."
The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once but I didn't like it.
As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
The bartender said, "I'm guessing he's an only child"

[aum]

What are three words you dread the most while making love?

 

"Honey, I'm home."

 

[ducky88]

There is a fly hovering over the water and a fish is like "If that fly drops a couple inches I'm gonna get it."
There is a bear on the bank saying "If the fly drops a couple inches and the fish goes for that fly I'm swiping for the fish."
There is a hunter hiding on the other bank saying "If that fly drops a couple inches and the fish goes gets the fly and the bear goes and gets that fish, I am getting that bear."
There is a mouse on the ground that sees the hunter has a sandwich and says "If that fly drops a couple inches, fish goes and gets the fly, bear goes and gets the fish and the hunter shoots for the bear the sandwich will fall and I'll get the sandwich."
There is a cat hiding that says "If that fly drops a couple inches, the fish goes and gets the fly, the bear goes and gets the fish, the hunter shoots the bear and the mouse goes for the sandwich I am getting that mouse."
Fly drops, fish jumps, bear swipes, hunter shoots, and sandwich falls!
As the mouse is going for the sandwich it sees the cat and stops right before the water. The cats misjudges the jump landing in the water.
Moral of the story, it only takes a fly to drop a couple inches to get a pussy wet.

 

[aum]

"Doctor, I think I'm a moth."

 

"It's not a doctor you need, it's a psychiatrist."

"I was on my way there when I saw your light on."

 

Edited November 29, 2021 by aum

[aum]

I think, I’m going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer.

 

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

 

Officer: “License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!”

Me: “I assure you, I did not drink anything.”

 

Officer: “Ok, let’s do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?”

Me: “A car.”

Officer:”Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?”

Me:”I have no idea!”

Officer:”So, you’re drunk.”

Me:”But I didn’t drink anything.”

 

Officer:”Okay, one more test — Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?

Me:”A motorcycle.”

Officer:”Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?”

Me:”I have no idea!”

Officer:”As I suspected, you’re drunk!”

 

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

 

Me:”So…, counter question — You’re driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?”

Officer:”A prostitute of course.”

Me:”Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?”

 

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend.

[ducky88]

very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a her local store.
She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer that took her away.
She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.
When she appeared before the Magistrate, she was asked what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of sliced peaches."
The Magistrate then asked why she had done it.
She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."
The Magistrate asked how many slices were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone, "Twelve! But why do you care about that?"
The Magistrate answered patiently, "Well, madam, because I'm going to give you twelve days in jail -- one day for each slice."
As the Magistrate was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
The Magistrate said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"
The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas.

[aum]

What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?

 

They are four ways you can lose your house!

 

[aum]

Old Josh sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.

"If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars," said Josh.

His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.

About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.

"But grandpa," said the boy, "you've already given me the ten dollars you promised."

 

"That's from your grandma," said Josh.

 

[ducky88]

Took the Mrs to Subway today, I asked the girl to make me a sandwich,

she said yes no problem,

I turned to the wife and said "Now, how frigging hard was that?

 

[aum]

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, mean-looking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

 

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy sits there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

 

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes over the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

 

"So," says the little guy: "are you feeling better now?"

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, an ear of corn and a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sat there and told me, 'I've not eaten for two days.'

I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'