[JOTD] Joke of the day

[ducky88]

Autocorrect has become my worst enema

[aum]

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
 

[Karlston]

I put my phone under my pillow last night. When I woke up, it was gone and there was a $1 coin in its place.

 

Blasted Bluetooth fairy.

[aum]

A man who went to Church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon.

The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with it every time he would doze off.

 

As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out …” and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th?” she poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed “Good God all mighty.”

The minister said “That’s right, that’s right” and went on with his sermon.

 

The man sat back down, muttering under his breath, and later began to doze off again when the minister got to …” and who died on the cross to save us from our sins?”

The wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted “Jesus Christ.”

The Minister said “That’s right, that’s Right” and went on with his sermon.

 

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to …” and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?”

 

The wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said, “If you stick that damn thing in me again I’ll break it off.”

[Karlston]

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.

[ducky88]

Kids in a class just come back from summer holidays. Teacher had asked them all to write an essay about what they got up to. She goes around the class. Jenny says" Mummy and Daddy took me to a horse riding school for a week" Rupert says" Mama and Papa took me to the south of France on our yacht" Little Johnny at the back" I went down the park and shoved bangers up frogs arses" Teacher corrects Johnny " Rectum Johnny" Johnny says " Recked em? it blew the little buggers to kingdom come!!"

 

[aum]

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

o O

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

O o

 

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."
 

[ducky88]

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer." Another 20 minutes passes, and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips. The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go f*ck yourself, these are my chips."

 

[aum]

My wife just completed a 40-week body building routine.

It's a baby boy, weighing 7 pounds!

 

[ducky88]

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat.
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "what's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were, 'F**k or Drown'."

[aum]

At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a very delicate operation, which lasted for over five hours, and it turned  out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum,and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, after six weeks, Tom is now out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time,his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.

The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

 

[ducky88]

"Two blokes living in the Australian outback saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Queen of England. She was looking for footmen, to walk beside her carriage.
They applied and were very happy to be flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty.
HM said to them: “Because my footmen must wear long white stockings, I must see your ankles to be sure they are not swollen or misshapen."
After they show her their ankles, the Queen said: “It is also important that you don’t have knobby knees, so I need to see your knees too.”
Once she has seen their knees, she says: “Now everything appears to be in shape, so I just need to see your testimonials.”
Nine years later, when the pair are released from prison, one of the blokes said to the other:
”I reckon, if we’d just had just a bit more education, we would have got that job!”

 

[Karlston]

Last night I had a dream that I was a muffler.

 

I woke up exhausted!

[aum]

After picking up food for his daughter's cat, George spied a new bowl for the pet and grabbed it too.

 

Shall I have the cat's name written on the side of the bowl?" offered the store owner.

"No, don't bother," replied George. "He can't read anyway."

 

[aum]

The graduate with a science degree asks,
'Why does it work?'

The graduate with an engineering degree asks,
'How does it work?'

The graduate with an accounting degree asks,
'How much will it cost?'

The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks,
'Do you want fries with that?'
 

[ducky88]

 

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at the church social on Wed. night until I got the last question wrong.

The question was "where do women have the curliest hair?

Apparently, Fiji was the correct answer.

My wife said we could never go back to that church.

 

[aum]

Boy Scouts from the city were on a camping trip.

 

The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten.

 

Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. They are coming after us with flashlights."

 

[ducky88]

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'
'No, love,' he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15"

 

[aum]

My girlfriend just broke up with me for being too un-American.

But honestly, I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

 

[aum]

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."

The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"

The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"

 

 

[aum]

The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up.

 

The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

 

"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.

 

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law".

 

Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"

 

"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"

 

[aum]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies...

... "You just happened to catch my eye

 

[ducky88]

After Christmas a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona . Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are any more. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks. They just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center for potluck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

 

[Karlston]

The longest drum solo was 18 hours 45 minutes, and was performed by the child sitting behind me on QF1 Darwin to London last week.

[vitorio]

2 hours ago, ducky88 said:

After Christmas a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona . Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are any more. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks. They just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center for potluck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

 

Sad story! Which too often is the reality of many people.

Edited November 24, 2021 by vitorio