[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

What happens when you play a country song backwards?

 

You get your house back, your wife back, your dog back, and your truck repairs itself.

[ducky88]

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens,

the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did.

cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

 

[aum]

A guys car broke down. He pulled over to the side of the road. Luckily there was a farm near by. He asked the farmer if he could help.

 

The farmer said "sure just let me get my horse, Bruce. So they hooked the car up. The farmer called out to his horse, giddyup Sonya!
The horse didn't move. Giddyup Tonya! The horse didn't move. Giddyup Bruce! The horse moved.

 

So when they got back they fixed the mans car. The man said thank you and then asked the farmer why he called different names."

 

Well" the farmer started, "Bruce won't do anything if he knows he's the only one doing it."

 

[aum]

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"

"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"

 

[aum]

I was traveling with my wife in Kanyakumari, India, one of the windiest places on Earth.

 

Braving our way through the crosswind, we made our way to the tollbooth where I asked a bespectacled attendant, "What do you guys do in Kanyakumari when the wind quits?"

Adjusting his rims, the guy answered, "We take the rocks out of our pockets."
 

[Karlston]

In other news, a Sydney man who fell into an upholstery machine has fully recovered.

[ducky88]

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots,

so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks,
-“Why in the world are you dressed like this?”
The Cowboy says,
-“Well, it’s like this Sheriff… I was at the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her… so I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt… so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants… so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts… so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,
-‘Now go to town cowboy…’ And here I am.”

[aum]

I was driving home from work when I was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Three days later, I got the same ticket, at the same stop, from the same cop.

“So, have you learned anything?” asked the cop.

“Yes, I have,” I began. “I’ve learned it's time to find a new way home from work.”

 

 

[aum]

A man was sitting in his house when he heard a tapping on the door. He went to see who it was. He opened the door and looked around he then heard a tiny voice, "Hey mister, could you lend me 10 bucks?"

 

The man looked down and saw a snail sitting on his porch. He said, "What do you want?"

 

The snail said, "Could you lend me 10 bucks?"

 

The man yelled, "get out of here!" and then kicked him off the porch.

 

About a year later the man hears a tapping on his door again. He goes out to see who it is. He looks around and he finally heard a tiny voice say, "What did you do that for?"

 

 

[Karlston]

Police Officer, at crime scene, reporting to Detective;

 

OFFICER: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an alter made of antlers.

 

DETECTIVE: Dear God.

 

OFFICER: Apparently yes.

[ducky88]

A couple has been married for 20 years.
Every time they make love, the husband always insists on shutting off the light.
After 20 years the wife feels that this is ridiculous.
She figures she will break him of his crazy habit.
One night, while they are in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turns on the lights.
She looks down and sees her husband holding a battery-operated leisure device:
A vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one...
She goes completely ballistic.
“You impotent bastard,” she screams at him, “How could you be lying to me all these years? You better explain yourself!”
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and states calmly,
“I'll explain the toy.
You explain the kids.”

[aum]

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

 

[aum]

A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai and gets close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute."

The man then asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny."

 

Then he asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."

 

[Karlston]

I couldn't get a reservation at the library.

 

They were completely booked.

[ducky88]

An Irishman's wife calls the doctor, stating that her husband has taken ill.
The doctor asks if she had taken his temperature; she replied that she hadn't but would and then call back.
When she hadn't called within a half hour, the doctor called and asked her what had happened.
She said, "Well, I didn't have a thermometer, so I put a barometer on his chest and it said dry, so I gave him a pint and he went off to work!"

 

[aum]

It's strange to think 75 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.

Today everyone has a car and only the rich own horses.

 

[aum]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

 

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

 

[aum]

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.

 

"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"

"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.

The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"

"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."

 

[Karlston]

Trust me, never drink invisible ink.

 

You'll end up in the ER, and it'll take forever before someone will see you.

[ducky88]

 

I picked up a hitchhiker yesterday. He said “thanks for picking me up but how do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I replied “the odds of two serial killer’s being in the same car are statistically astronomical”.

[aum]

As I get older I realized...

I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.

 

[aum]

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.

 

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

 

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

 

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

 

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

 

[aum]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says, "Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"

The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

 

[ducky88]

A foursome of guys was waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women was hitting off from the women's tee.
The ladies were not rushing and definitely were taking their time.
When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it ten feet. Then she went over and whiffed it completely.

She then whacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it ahead another few feet.
She looked back at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically, "I guess all those frigging lessons I took over the winter really didn't help."
One of the men responded, "Well, there you have it. You should probably have taken golf lessons instead!"

 

[Karlston]

I just found out I'm colour-blind.

 

The news came out of the purple.