[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so whan he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.

 

The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man.

 

Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor: "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"

The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language: "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

 

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said: "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

[aum]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

 

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

 

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

 

“Oh, no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.

 

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”

 

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “and if the damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today.”

 

[aum]

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

 

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said,” I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”

 

“No problem,” said the attorney, “I’ll get it for you.”

 

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney’s shoe and spat in it.

 

When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”

 

Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it.

 

The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

 

“How long must this go on?” he asked. “This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”

 

[aum]

T‌‌eacher: “‌‌If I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?”

J‌‌ohnny: “‌‌Seven.”

 

T‌‌eacher: “‌‌No, l‌‌isten c‌‌arefully… I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou t‌‌wo c‌‌ats, a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?”

J‌‌ohnny: “‌‌Seven.”

 

T‌‌eacher: “‌‌Let m‌‌e p‌‌ut i‌‌t t‌‌o y‌‌ou d‌‌ifferently. I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou t‌‌wo a‌‌pples, a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo a‌‌pples a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?”

J‌‌ohnny: “‌‌Six.”

 

T‌‌eacher: “‌‌Good. N‌‌ow i‌‌f I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou t‌‌wo c‌‌ats, a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?”

J‌‌ohnny: “‌‌Seven!”

 

T‌‌eacher: “‌‌Johnny, w‌‌here i‌‌n t‌‌he h‌‌eck d‌‌o y‌‌ou g‌‌et s‌‌even f‌‌rom?!”

 

J‌‌ohnny: “‌‌Because I‌‌’ve a‌‌lready g‌‌ot a‌‌ f‌‌reaking c‌‌at!”

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

For years I have been living the life of Riley. Sadly for me Riley has just discovered his credit cards are missing..

[vitorio]

That is a good one. So sad Riley!

Edited November 7, 2021 by vitorio

[aum]

The Dean of Women was introducing the newcomers to the college and thought fit to touch the subject of sex morality:

"In moments of temptation, ask yourselves just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

 

At the end of the lecture she asked if there were any questions. One of the girls timidly raised her hand and said:

"Could you tell us how you make it last one hour?"

 

[aum]

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?"

He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise'"

 

[aum]

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut, and we'll talk about it."

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

 

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

 

To which his father replied, "Yes, and they **walked** every where they went too!"

 

[aum]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The doctor asks, "So what seems to be the problem?"

The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason at all. It's starting to scare me."

The Doctor tells her, "I think I have just the cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish, and swish, but don't swallow it until he leaves the room or decides to go to bed."

Two weeks later, the woman returns, looking fresh and reborn.

 

The woman says, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started to lose it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?!"

The Doctor informs her, "The water itself does nothing. It's having to keep your mouth shut that does the trick."

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

A man gets his new prescription for Viagra, and starts home to get ready for when his wife gets home.
He calls her on the phone, and she says, "I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," he thinks.
The Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before, so he takes the Viagra and waits.
Well, an hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife... She calls him on the cell phone and says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice.
"I'm ready and my wife won't be home for another hour! What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper!!

[aum]

I went to the doctor to see if he can help me to stop smoking .

He suggested that every time I felt like smoking I should reach for a chocolate bar.

It didn't work, because no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get the chocolate bar to light.

 

[aum]

Kevin gets a New Secretary.

 

A few days later his wife learns of this this new hire, and so he faces a volley of rapid, suspicious questions.

Emma (Kevin’s wife): “Does your new secretary have nice legs?”

Kevin: “Didn’t quite notice.”

Emma: “What color are her eyes?”

Kevin: “Haven’t had the time to check.”

Emma: “What are the nail polish colors she uses, metallic, gel or neon?”

Kevin: “Not a clue in the world.”

Emma: “Does she have a local accent?”

Kevin: “I barely spoke to her, so don’t know.”

 

Emma: “How does she dress?”

Kevin: “Very quickly.”

 

Kevin’s funeral will be held on Tuesday.

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"
Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not."
"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.
Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to.

 

[aum]

I'm not saying I hate you, what I'm saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

 

[aum]

An angry wife to her husband on phone: "Where the hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewelery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said 'Baby it'll be yours one day'?"

Wife, with a smile and blushing: "Yeah I remember that my love!"

Husband: "I'm in the pub just next to that shop."

 

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, "Go forth and multiply"

When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained."Didn't you hear me? Go forth and multiply!" Said Noah, annoyed."

We can't" replied one of the snakes. "We're adders".

 

[aum]

"Yes, Theo, what is it?" asked the teacher.

"I don’t wan to alarm you, Miss Davis, but my dad said if I don't get better grades, someone was going to be in big trouble."

 

[aum]

The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.
“Isn’t it true, “he bellowed, “that you were given $500.00 to throw this case?”

 

The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn’t heard the question. The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction - no response.

Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, “Please answer the question.”
“Oh,” said the startled witness, “I thought he was talking to you.”

 

[aum]

The following supposedly a true story.

This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
 

[Karlston]