[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available".

 

I had to ask the clerk what it was for and they told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that.

 

Of course I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and the answer was the classic, "Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?"

 

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him.
A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?
"No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says ... Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m. He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay".
She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed.
They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"I got married after college, my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

 

[aum]

The good thing about having a husband who never listens is being able to say: "I already told you that.

Whether you did or not, he'll never know the difference.

 

[aum]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket to find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking the husband cries out,

"Watch Out For The Wall".

 

[aum]

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft.

 

Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing.

 

They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them!

 

The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

 

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

My mate has been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

 

He said that he only intended to rough him up a bit.

[ducky88]

I Told My Doctor That I Was Experiencing Hearing loss In One Ear,

He Asked, "What Ear Is It?" I Said, "2021"......

[aum]

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

 

He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

 

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.

 

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.

 

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

 

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

Lady's dishwasher breaks down, so she calls a repairman. She has to go out so tells him, "Don't worry about my bulldog, he won't bother you, but whatever you do, don't under any circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

The man starts work, wary of the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he's ever seen, but it just lays there watching him work.

The parrot however, drives him nuts, yelling & cursing. Finally, the man snaps & yells, "Shut the f**k up, ya annoying' bastard!"

 

Parrot replies "GET HIM SPIKE!!"

 

[aum]

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way.

 

With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men.

 

The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.

 

The ensign’s efficiency has been remarkable.

 

In fact, the deck was a buzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way.

 

The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

 

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, “My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules. Make sure the Captain is aboard before getting under way!”

 

[ducky88]

A teacher in class was doing a lecture on morals. She asked the class do anyone know a tale with a moral. It went very quite until little Johnny at the back of the class shot his arm up Miss, I do. She was very apprehensive, please tell us about your tale with a moral.
In WW1 my Grandad was in the trenches waiting for the order to go over the top for a massive offensive. My Grandma had sent him a bottle of whisky prior, but he didn't know what to do, drink half and save half for his return, or drink the bottle in case he didn't return, After much thought he drank the lot. He went over the top, single handed he knocked out three machine gun nests, killed twenty Germans and captured fifty prisoners. Well said the teacher a fantastic tale, but where is the moral?

Don't mess with Grandad when he is pissed.

[aum]

Man goes to see dentist and asks "How much to pull two wisdom teeth?"

Dentist says "$100.00."

 

Man says, "too much. Can't you do it for less?"

Dentist says "I can do it for $50 if I cut out the novacaine."

 

Man says, "that's better but still too much. Can't we do it any cheaper?"

Dentist says, "I could let my trainee do it for $20 but she has never pulled a tooth before and it would be quite painful."

 

Man says, "That's great. Schedule my wife for next Tuesday."

 

[aum]

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."

 

And God agreed.

 

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."

 

So God agreed (*sigh*).

 

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

 

And God agreed again (*????*)

 

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way, man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

 

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

 

So, that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

 

[ducky88]

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him,
"Grampa, what is couple sex? The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question,

but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human
reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it. When he finished
explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide
in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you
ask this question, honey?

The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.

 

[aum]

A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."

 

"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."

 

[aum]

"If a man has a beautiful stenographer, do you suppose that will cause him to take more interest in his business?" asked Mr. Piglatch.

"I don't know whether he will take more interest in his business," said Mr. Peckton, thoughtfully, "but his wife will."

 

 

[aum]

One day St. Peter saw a street gang walking up to the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some low-life street gang members at the Gates. What do I do?"

God relied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Redirect them."

St. Peter went back to carry out the order, but he suddenly came running back and yelling, "God, God, they're gone! They're gone!"
"The street gang?"
"No, the Pearly Gates!"

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "Excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?" The shop keepers heart melts. He gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy, bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there..?" The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers . . . "I dont wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuc!!.

[aum]

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ... Something she just loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"

"Because," she replied ... "I really miss mine."

 

 

[ducky88]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

[aum]

After writing a simple equation on the board the teacher asked if anyone could solve the problem.

 

Little Johnny walked up to the board, erased it and said, “Problem Solved.”

 

Edited November 6, 2021 by aum