[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, the wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here?" and hung up.

 

The husband said, "Who was that?"

 

The wife said, "I don't know, some young woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."

 

[aum]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

 

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

 

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

 

"The guy was your doctor...."

 

[Karlston]

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

 

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

 

"No", shouts Paddy, "This is her husband!"

[aum]

Signs of the times:

In the front yard of a funeral home, 'Drive carefully, we'll wait.'

 

On an electrician's truck, 'Let us remove your shorts.'

 

Outside a radiator repair shop, 'Best place in town to take a leak.'

 

On a maternity room door, 'Push, Push, Push.'

 

On a taxidermist's window, 'We really know our stuff.'

 

On a butcher's window, 'Let me meat your needs.'

 

On a fence, 'Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.'

 

On a muffler shop, 'No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.'

 

In a dry cleaner's emporium, 'Drop your pants here.'

 

On a desk in a reception room, 'We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.'

 

In a veterinarian's waiting room, 'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

 

In a Beauty Shop, 'Dye now!'

 

In a restaurant window, 'Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.'

 

In a cafeteria, 'Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.'

 

[aum]

When my wife and I decided to get married we'd been going out for a few years. We really loved each other and we wanted everything to be perfect... and pretty much everything was, except that one thing had been bothering me. Her sister was a babe and many times I visited, she would flirt with me, bending over in front of me, things I didn't want to acknowledge.

 

Well a couple of nights before the wedding, she called me over to help her with some boxes. She was moving out of her apartment. When I arrived, I found her alone on the couch wearing decidedly little. I was shocked and she explained to me that she'd always wanted me and that it was her final opportunity, as these were my last few days as a bachelor. Well, I didn't know what to do. She told me she would go upstairs and wait and if I wanted to, I could follow her, but if I didn't, I could just leave.

 

I waited for a moment and then went outside only to find her dad almost in tears with joy saying he knew now that I was really the right man and that I had his blessing to marry his daughter. This was a test to see just how loyal I was!

 

Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.

 

[aum]

The following ad in the Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls:

"Single Black Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight week-old black Labrador retriever.

 

[aum]

A distraught investor called his financial advisor. “Is my money really all gone?”

He wailed. “No, no,” the advisor answered calmly. “It’s just with somebody else!”

 

[aum]

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep.

Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

 

[aum]

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.

 

The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you."

 

"Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"

 

"It's called the door!"

 

 

[aum]

I love it when someone's laugh is funnier than the joke.
 

[aum]

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

 

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

 

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

 

[aum]

An angry wife to her husband on phone: "Where the hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said 'Baby it'll be yours one day'?"

 

Wife, with a smile and blushing: "Yeah I remember that my love!"

Husband: "I'm in the pub just next to that shop."

 

[aum]

Hecklers Anonymous meeting... 

Tonight - 7pm!

Bring your own boos!

 

[aum]

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy,"admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine" explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight,beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

 

 

[aum]

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise.

 

The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around. During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"

 

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. 

 

Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place--the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.

 

"Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"

 

"Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"

 

 

[aum]

After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.

"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."

"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed politician replied. "You can't make a living on that."

"Oh, don't worry," the whore replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side!"

 

[aum]

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.

"Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No, not at all!" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few."

"Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."

 

[aum]

The three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.

The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"

The second old fogy one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times."

 

Edited December 11, 2025 by aum

[aum]

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"

Student: "A serious drinking problem."

[aum]

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain. And stay home at night!"

An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Girl, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

 

[aum]

A psychiatrist received a postcard from one of his clients who was vacationing in Spain.

 

“I’m having a great time!” “Wish you were here to tell me why.”

 

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

An update to the earlier post about Paddy's pregnant wife...

 

Paddy’s wife is yelling rapidly “Can’t! Won’t! Shouldn’t! Couldn’t!”

 

Paddy yells down the phone, “Her contractions are getting faster!”

[aum]

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the townspeople were in church, listening to the organ play. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

 

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

 

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

 

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

 

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years!"

 

[aum]

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."