[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one'.

 

So when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'.

 

[aum]

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a stunningly beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step.

So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.

And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

The pretty young woman went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we were friends."

 

[aum]

A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office.

After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said, “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.”

“I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office!”

 

[aum]

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

 

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

 

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

 

 

[Karlston]

My wife asked me to pass the lip balm but I accidentally picked up a tube of super glue.

 

She's still not speaking to me.

[aum]

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

 

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

 

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

 

The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

 

[aum]

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing ''Love'' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?'' asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

 

[aum]

To the thief who stole my pillow, know this.

 

I will not rest until I find you.

 

[aum]

On his first day back to work after the birth of his son, Randy's supervisor said, "I understand you have a new youngster at your house?"

Randy glanced around apprehensively, "For heaven's sake, you can't hear him all the way out here, can you?"

 

[Karlston]

My boss said "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have". 

 

Now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.

[aum]

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money."

 

 

[aum]

Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Smith into his office.

 

"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor."

 

"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Smith, "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking, do you?"

 

 

[aum]

A Canadian tourist is fascinated by the Native American way of life and culture, so he decides to visit a reservation in the United States to find out more.

After a long and dusty drive through the Arizona desert, he finally arrives at the reservation.

Soon after his arrival, the tourist meets an old chief, who claims to remember everything that ever happened in his life.

The tourist is curious and asks the chief: “What did you have for breakfast on your fifth birthday?”Without hesitation, the chief replies: “eggs”.

The tourist was very impressed by this, and he never forgot the chief’s words, even after his visit had long since ended.

Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again.

He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with “how”.

“Scrambled,” the old chief replied.

 

[aum]

One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.

As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.

A few hours passed by and most of the other deer hunters had left by then, when the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly.

 

He administered the breath-o-lizer test and it read 0.00.

 

Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on. The driver looked at him innocently and said, "Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy."

 

[aum]

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

 

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed To me has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

 

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'No Refills'."

 

[aum]

Moving on doesn't mean you forget about things.

 

It just means you accept what happened and continue living.

 

[aum]

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.

 

The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.

He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"

The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

[Karlston]

A physicist accidentally froze himself at -273°C.

 

Everyone said he was dead but actually he was 0K.

[aum]

A film crew is on location in Kenya, when a tribal shaman approaches the director and says, "Tomorrow rain." The director pays no attention, but the following day it pours and shooting has to be delayed.

 

That night, the director sends his assistant to bring the shaman back. "What will be the weather tomorrow?" asks the director.

"Bigger rain tomorrow, much wind," and sure enough a terrible storm once again delays the filming.

 

But then the witch doctor disappears for a week and the director, now depending on him, sends his people out to find him and bring him back to camp.

 

Finally, he is located and brought to the director's tent. "What will be the weather tomorrow?" asks the director in desperation.

 

"No idea," says the shaman, "Radio batteries dead."

 

[aum]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

 

His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds and it better be there!"

 

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

Bob has been missing since Friday.

 

[aum]

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.

 

 

[aum]

While preaching about forgiving ones enemies, the preacher asked for a show of hands of those who were willing to forgive their enemies.

 

About half of the congregation raised their hands.

The minister continued his lection and again asked for a show of hands.

This time, 80 percent of his congregation raised their hands.

Not giving up, the minister continued for fifteen more minutes.

When he again asked for a show of hands, all members—except one—raised their hands.

 

"Mr. Jones,” asked the minster, “are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

"I don't have any.”Mr. Jones, that is very unusual.

I know you are 86-years-old. Would you please come down to the front and explain to all of us how you have lived so long without making a single enemy in the world?”

 

Mr. Jones teetered to the front and briefly explained, “Its easy. Ive outlived every one of them.”

 

[Karlston]

The older I get, the more I think about the hereafter.

 

I go to the kitchen and say to myself "What am I here after?"

[funkyy]

Why does Germany have so many electricians?

Because many Hans make light work.

[vitorio]

3 hours ago, funkyy said:

Why does Germany have so many electricians?

Because many Hans make light work.

To fully understand the joke you need to know that Hans is a popular masculine name in Germany.