[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

[aum]

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.

 

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."

She leaned forward.

"Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

 

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

 

Edited November 16, 2025 by aum

[aum]

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic; but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if-"

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

 

The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

 

[aum]

Two rich men were talking over coffee and croissants at their country club one day and one of them said to the other one, "Hey, I tell you my driver is really stupid... you don't think so? Let me show you." And he called his driver over and said, "Here is a 10 dollar bill, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes."

 

To which he replied, "Yes Sir! Right away!" and rushed off to the showroom. The rich man turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was stupid."

 

The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I will show you stupid." And he called his driver: "Hey, go home now and check to see if I'm at home." He said, "Yes Sir! Right away, Sir" and ran home.

 

"See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here."

 

Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Jim said to Jack "Eh, you know my boss is so stupid. He gave me 10 dollars and asked me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes ... Doesn't he know that today is Sunday? The showroom is closed!"

 

Jack replied, "You think he is stupid, huh? My boss is so much worse, he asked me to go home to check if he is at home ... He's got a cellphone, right, he can just call home to check!"

 

[aum]

A man was walking down a street in Washington. A man walking behind him suddenly pulled out a gun and said, "Gimme all your money, now!"

 

The victim said, "You can't do this to me! I'm a Congressman!"

 

The robber thought for a moment, then said, "In that case, gimme all of my money!"

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

 

In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

 

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs.

 

With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

 

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

 

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

 

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

 

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

 

 

[aum]

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"

 

[aum]

It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.

The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers".
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.

The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy."
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.

The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.
"No," said the little girl.
So she tasted it again. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," replied the little girl, "It is a puppy.

 

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

 

Every word out of this bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

 

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything he could think of to set a good example. Nothing worked.

 

Finally, John got fed up and he yelled at the parrot. And, the bird yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, John put the bird in the refrigerator freezer.

 

For a few minutes, John heard the bird squawk and kick and scream... then suddenly there was quiet. Not a peep for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the bird, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I will do everything to correct my poor behavior."

 

John was astonished at the bird's change of attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

 

"May I ask what the chicken did?"

 

[aum]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

 

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,

"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

 

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

 

[aum]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

 

[aum]

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

 

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

 

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

A man wondered if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin. The reason is because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest. He asks for the priest's opinion.

 

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on the Sabbath."

The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?" So, he decides to ask a minister.

 

The minister gives the same reply as the priest had given him. Sex is work, and therefore not permitted on the Sabbath.

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

 

The man asks, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others are convinced that sex is work?"

 

The Rabbi replies, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

 

[aum]

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'

 

[aum]

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time.

 

Have your Mom explain that to you."

 

Edited November 22, 2025 by aum

[aum]

John: "My grandpa is 98 years old, and he doesn't even use glasses."
Jack: "Wow, that is incredible!"

John: "Yep, he drinks straight from the bottle."

[aum]

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.

So, the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man.
She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that, and what are you praying for?"
The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years.
In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man.
I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."
The journalist is amazed.
"How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.

The old man looks at her sadly.

"Like I'm talking to a wall."

 

[aum]

Wife:  Whatcha doin'?
Me:  Nothing.
Wife:  You did that yesterday.

Me:  I wasn't finished.

[aum]

How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

 

"Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

 

"He was the original owner."

 

[aum]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies...
... "You just happened to catch my eye

 

[aum]

A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. "Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. "Tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?"
"You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?"
"Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a Match."
'Match? Never heard of it."
"Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, taking a match and striking it on his pants."
"Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam."
"Well, why not?"

"I can't be walking twelve miles to borrow your pants every time I want a fire."